matt1982 is offline matt1982 Post #1  November 2,2009, 7:43pm
matt1982's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2009

NY

Posts: 8

See profile

So I'm new to this posting thing... Hi Everybody! And I have a general question that probably doesn't need asking but I'm kind of fed up at the moment.

So the question is Are there any women out there that like the good guys? I was raised old fashioned and it was ground into my skull that you should always treat a woman with respect, I'm starting to wonder though if this is what women really want. I was told just yesterday that I was "too nice," all I did was open the doors for her and walked her to her car. This will be the 3rd first date in as many weeks, 1 "too old fashioned", 1 "too nice" and the other didn't reply to my call. Maybe the women and I see respectful as two different things?

Any comments?
 
  Reply With Quote
kneo24 is offline kneo24 Post #2  November 3,2009, 2:26pm
kneo24's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2009

Posts: 150

See profile

I'm there with you. What I've learned that it isn't that you're too nice. Women don't know how to phrase what they actually mean in this context.

Whether any of them want to admit it or not, they all want the alpha male. They don't necessarily want the jerk that tends to come attached to said personality, but they do want a guy who can show confidence, that can show that he can take charge. A guy who can stand on a mountain and beat his chest and scream really loud. These are all metaphors mind you, but really, they just want a real man. Being nice and not showing any other qualities shows a sign of weakness. Women are turned off by this in potential partners.

Sure, you would make a great friend, and that's all you've shown them. Being strictly nice doesn't build chemistry. Without having actually watched your dates, it's hard to say why else they want only one date. Maybe you faux pased. Maybe you said something really horrible. Maybe you farted?

I still think there's nothing wrong with being nice, but you need to find a way to build chemistry and do it fast. That's pretty much the only thing that has ever worked for me.
 
  Reply With Quote
trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #3  November 3,2009, 2:39pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2009

London

Posts: 4,703

See profile

Women want The Good Guy. Of course they do.

We don't mind a fixer upper or a project or someone a bit damaged or imperfect. That's because we're sometimes like that too.

Maybe you've been on three dates with three 'nice' women who think it's polite to express their disinterest in you with a compliment.

But don't go thinking the reason that you're not getting anywhere with women is because we haven't sufficiently evolved to appreciate a man with a gentle and kind streak because that's a little self serving honey.

I've no reason to believe you're less than nice but maybe being 'nice' is not what those girls are really rejecting.
 
  Reply With Quote
PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #4  November 3,2009, 2:40pm

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 6,908

See profile

matt1982 wrote :

Any comments?
Next time a woman says to you "You're too nice", your answer should be "Too bad"

Then you move on.

Simple as that!
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  November 3,2009, 2:41pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

NJ

Posts: 30,728

See profile

I don't share this viewpoint, though I do see it here often.

Basic manners are expected of men (from civilized women), but are not a substitute for masculine qualities.

What you need to bring is professional stature appropriate for your age and your partners' aspirations, a modest helping of "take charge aggression" (think of it as seasoning), and then all that compatibility stuff.

Manners are just a given.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  November 3,2009, 2:52pm
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

matt1982 wrote :
So I'm new to this posting thing... Hi Everybody! And I have a general question that probably doesn't need asking but I'm kind of fed up at the moment.

So the question is Are there any women out there that like the good guys? I was raised old fashioned and it was ground into my skull that you should always treat a woman with respect, I'm starting to wonder though if this is what women really want. I was told just yesterday that I was "too nice," all I did was open the doors for her and walked her to her car. This will be the 3rd first date in as many weeks, 1 "too old fashioned", 1 "too nice" and the other didn't reply to my call. Maybe the women and I see respectful as two different things?

Any comments?
I doubt that the reason she called you 'too nice' were because you opened a door for her and walked her to her car. Much more likely it was subtle things in the way you acted with her in general.
 
  Reply With Quote
islandrain80 is offline islandrain80 Post #7  November 3,2009, 3:51pm
islandrain80's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Feb 2008

Washington

Posts: 484

See profile

matt1982 wrote :
So I'm new to this posting thing... Hi Everybody! And I have a general question that probably doesn't need asking but I'm kind of fed up at the moment.

So the question is Are there any women out there that like the good guys? I was raised old fashioned and it was ground into my skull that you should always treat a woman with respect, I'm starting to wonder though if this is what women really want. I was told just yesterday that I was "too nice," all I did was open the doors for her and walked her to her car. This will be the 3rd first date in as many weeks, 1 "too old fashioned", 1 "too nice" and the other didn't reply to my call. Maybe the women and I see respectful as two different things?

Any comments?
I think every girl wants a good guy...but there's a different between a good guy and a guy who has no spine and lets the girl walk on him.
 
  Reply With Quote
shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #8  November 3,2009, 4:00pm
shoopthedoop's Avatar

is happy with the way things are going!

Enthusiast

Joined: Jul 2009

Edmonton

Posts: 915

See profile

islandrain80 wrote :
I think every girl wants a good guy...but there's a different between a good guy and a guy who has no spine and lets the girl walk on him.
That's a fine line to draw. For some women a guy who doesn't let a woman walk all over him is a jerk and definitely not a nice guy.

OP, remember that when someone is telling you they don't want to see you again they won't tell you the real reason most of the time.

So don't try and be less of a nice guy in an attempt to be more attractive to women. Be true to yourself and the right woman will come along.
 
  Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  November 3,2009, 4:02pm
littlebluemon…'s Avatar

Sage

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 13,323

See profile

Chances are the reason it didn't go any further isn't because you were too nice. Manners are always appreciated. If they're not, you're with a Philistine and should exit immediately.

Nor are all women fawning over alpha males. And, despite the popularity of "player" instructions and websites, most aren't looking for someone who'll play games by pretending to be less interested than they are.

But there are sometimes issues.

I have an acquaintance. Let's call him Luke. Luke thinks he's a good guy. He'll tell anyone who'll listen how nice he is. He's always helping and making himself available. In a relationship, he can't do enough for his partner.

Here's the problem. Luke does all that for himself. Without regard to how it makes his partner feel. Without regard to her boundaries (but I like her, so what's wrong with showing her I like her?). Without regard to her feedback that he's coming on a bit too strong, moving too quickly, or triggering a negative response in her. He's helpful even when she asks him not to be. Luke doesn't leave at that point, when he sees that they have different wants from a relationship, nor does he do the serious self-evaluation needed to see if he's capable of change. He stays. And keeps doing what he always does. When she leaves, Luke can't understand it. All he did was care about her and hold her in the highest regard. Even when she ends things, he hounds her to stay friends, and acts out some passive aggressive hostility when she declines the friendship. But what is he doing wrong? All he wants is to stay friends with someone he really cared about.

Do you see the problem here?

I don't know if this is what you're doing. I do know that there are a lot of self-proclaimed nice guys out there who really aren't that nice at all. If this dating thing is a pattern with you, you might look into that. Ask friends what their perceptions are of you in a relationship. And listen to the feedback without getting defensive.

Social intercourse requires us to have self-awareness and healthy boundaries in addition to being good. And it requires you to ask the question...good for whom?

Then again, they could just be idiots. I don't know. You're the only one who can answer that.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; November 3,2009 at 4:10pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
melman is offline melman Post #10  November 3,2009, 4:25pm
melman's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 2,944

See profile

islandrain80 wrote :
I think every girl wants a good guy...but there's a different between a good guy and a guy who has no spine and lets the girl walk on him.
Exactly what I was going to say.

You can be "nice" while still also being decisive, firm, and opinionated. A real person and not an amorphous blob of niceness.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Frozen solid | Dating | Proper Etiquette »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
do nice guys like good girls? AgOrApHoBiChEaRt Dating 77 February 22,2010 3:46pm
Good Ol Girls Clubs Seneca "Red Flag" Central 8 September 22,2009 11:30am
In with the Good ....out with the bad..... hogrally AAA Completely Stupid Conversations 15 August 26,2009 3:06pm
Anything current or upcoming that's good to see on a date? bravethestorm Dating 17 August 17,2009 3:00pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 7:49am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0