The Good Guy

Chances are the reason it didn't go any further isn't because you were too nice. Manners are always appreciated. If they're not, you're with a Philistine and should exit immediately.

Nor are all women fawning over alpha males. And, despite the popularity of "player" instructions and websites, most aren't looking for someone who'll play games by pretending to be less interested than they are.

But there are sometimes issues.

I have an acquaintance. Let's call him Luke. Luke thinks he's a good guy. He'll tell anyone who'll listen how nice he is. He's always helping and making himself available. In a relationship, he can't do enough for his partner.

Here's the problem. Luke does all that for himself. Without regard to how it makes his partner feel. Without regard to her boundaries (but I like her, so what's wrong with showing her I like her?). Without regard to her feedback that he's coming on a bit too strong, moving too quickly, or triggering a negative response in her. He's helpful even when she asks him not to be. Luke doesn't leave at that point, when he sees that they have different wants from a relationship, nor does he do the serious self-evaluation needed to see if he's capable of change. He stays. And keeps doing what he always does. When she leaves, Luke can't understand it. All he did was care about her and hold her in the highest regard. Even when she ends things, he hounds her to stay friends, and acts out some passive aggressive hostility when she declines the friendship. But what is he doing wrong? All he wants is to stay friends with someone he really cared about.

Do you see the problem here?

I don't know if this is what you're doing. I do know that there are a lot of self-proclaimed nice guys out there who really aren't that nice at all. If this dating thing is a pattern with you, you might look into that. Ask friends what their perceptions are of you in a relationship. And listen to the feedback without getting defensive.

Social intercourse requires us to have self-awareness and healthy boundaries in addition to being good. And it requires you to ask the question...good for whom?

Then again, they could just be idiots. I don't know. You're the only one who can answer that.

Women do like a nice, polite guy. But he has to also have a personality, opinions, values and the courage of his convictions. If you are just agreeable to everything, what do you care about. Even if I disagree with man, I will respect him and be attracted to him if he can stand up for himself. Sometimes that is very attractive.

More of the self-proclaimed 'Lukes' that I"ve known are the type that are super pleasing to a woman initially....but then reveal a very selfish side and all that 'giving' stops before long.

A real person and not an amorphous blob of niceness.

So I'm new to this posting thing... Hi Everybody! And I have a general question that probably doesn't need asking but I'm kind of fed up at the moment.

So the question is Are there any women out there that like the good guys? I was raised old fashioned and it was ground into my skull that you should always treat a woman with respect, I'm starting to wonder though if this is what women really want. I was told just yesterday that I was "too nice," all I did was open the doors for her and walked her to her car. This will be the 3rd first date in as many weeks, 1 "too old fashioned", 1 "too nice" and the other didn't reply to my call. Maybe the women and I see respectful as two different things?

Any comments?

There is something else going on that you're either not aware of or not telling us.