peg099 is offline peg099 Post #101  November 6,2009, 7:10pm
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Gumbee wrote :
After a lot of soul searching she came to an interesting conclusion about why she was continually chasing after these types. She said, a "bad boy" puts it out there - he's not hiding anything so she knows what she's getting into from the start. She thinks the "nice guys" are just "bad boys" in disguise and she doesn't trust them.
Actually, there's a lot of truth to her observation. I've said repeatedly that nice guys and jerks are simply flip sides of the same coin. A nice guy or people pleaser will often appear nice on the outside, but his actions are motivated by selfishness and getting what he wants. LBMM's friend 'Luke' is a good example. Such guys ultimately have little respect for the woman's boundaries and will 'force' their 'niceness' on the woman regardless of what she wants. They are wolves in sheep's clothing. Jerks also have little respect for the woman's boundaries - only they will be more blatant about it. Both are really focussed on getting what they want instead of relating in a genuine way. And underneath it, there is usually a great deal of insecurity in who they are and their sense of worth.

What your daughter needs to realize is that not all men fall into one of these two categories. There are guys out there who are decent and respectful - guys who have a strong enough sense of self that they can stand up for themselves and their values when needed, but that don't need to violate another person's boundaries in the process.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but if she's pretty young, that may be part of her difficulty. It often takes people a while to develop a good sense of who they are and be ok with it. it's probably harder to find the type of guy I'm talking about at a young age.
 
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Gumbee is offline Gumbee Post #102  November 6,2009, 8:39pm
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Thanks for that, Peg. Put that way, it makes a LOT of sense.

She's 25, but didn't really date in high school, so she's making her first real foray into the dating world and there have been a lot of tears so far.

Thanks again

- G.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #103  November 6,2009, 8:44pm
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TheWanderer wrote :
I had two girls tell me they weren't interested because I was "too perfect." Two completely separate times too, so it's not like that was the suggestion in that month's Cosmo.

To be fair to them, this was college and they basically weren't ready for anything long term. So it wasn't a complete line... just mostly :P
I don't know you real well or the situation but ... is it possible that these individuals had morals that were less than your own and they felt you wouldn't accept them as is? It's just a thought.
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #104  November 6,2009, 8:47pm
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Gumbee wrote :
Thanks for that, Peg. Put that way, it makes a LOT of sense.

She's 25, but didn't really date in high school, so she's making her first real foray into the dating world and there have been a lot of tears so far.

Thanks again

- G.
If she's pretty new to dating - yeah, there's always a certain amount of trial and error, and in many ways disappointment is harder to take early on because she doesn't yet have the track record of bouncing back. Plus the newness and anxiety around that can intensify feelings.

I wish her luck. She's an astute young lady. Just tell her to keep her eyes open and not put up with guys who don't show respect. Eventually she'll find the right one.
 
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Bunky12 is offline Bunky12 Post #105  November 7,2009, 7:55pm
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How do you define good? Good is a subjective rating. It may mean that you have good qualities, but maybe not the ones that she is looking for. Keep looking.
 
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