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littlebluemonkeymind littlebluemonkeymind is offline
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vinlukin wrote :
Actually she is pretty cool overall and is really smart and easy to have a good conversation with. She and I have some nice things in common, so I was willing to see if she was just trying to find some sort of comfort level.

Last night we were at dinner and our waitress set the bill down and I just let it sit there for a few minutes thinking maybe she would get the hint. No dice.

I've never dated anyone who hasn't at least offered, she did offer to split our first lunch meetup but I covered it because I had to make some last minute changes of venue. I figured since I did change the plans last minute I could at least pick up the tab.

Saturday we are supposed to hit a museum, I'm going to eat right before she gets here so I won't be hungry all day. I'm going to wait until she is so hungry she suggests getting something to eat, then technically it would be her idea, plus I'm going to give her the where are you taking me to line.

For those that are asking about why I'm still dating her, well it usually takes me a bit more than a couple of sidesteps to get bothered. The last girl I dated got freaked out because I wiped her shower out with the towel after I used it. I was just thinking of cleaning up after myself. She thought it was too strange and that was one of the reasons she said why she wanted to break up. I refuse to be that person who dumps someone over something so stupid.

I also believe this behavior might not entirely be her fault and that her parents should hold some of the blame. I have the feeling they didn't tell her no very much. She is in her mid 20's so i wold have thought she would know better though.
You can use my shower anytime.

You're good to give her a chance but sometimes these things are ingrained. I'd skip the subtle approach and next time the bill arrives, smile really big and say "I'm going to let you get this one." And then thank her, profusely.

Or, if she really seems like someone you want to move into a relationship with...have a chat. Something along the lines of "I'm really enjoying your company but I don't always know that you've enjoyed yourself. I wonder if you would be comfortable communicating that to me." and with the money "I really hope we can keep seeing one another but I think we should talk about dating and money. I want to make sure we're both on the same page about that."

These things would not offend me if done tactfully. They might offend some, but I would rather someone approach me directly about behavior that bothered them.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; November 2nd, 2009 at 09:00 pm.
- November 2nd, 2009, 08:56 pm
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nightling nightling is offline
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vinlukin wrote :
Actually she is pretty cool overall and is really smart and easy to have a good conversation with. She and I have some nice things in common, so I was willing to see if she was just trying to find some sort of comfort level.

Last night we were at dinner and our waitress set the bill down and I just let it sit there for a few minutes thinking maybe she would get the hint. No dice.

I've never dated anyone who hasn't at least offered, she did offer to split our first lunch meetup but I covered it because I had to make some last minute changes of venue. I figured since I did change the plans last minute I could at least pick up the tab.

Saturday we are supposed to hit a museum, I'm going to eat right before she gets here so I won't be hungry all day. I'm going to wait until she is so hungry she suggests getting something to eat, then technically it would be her idea, plus I'm going to give her the where are you taking me to line.

For those that are asking about why I'm still dating her, well it usually takes me a bit more than a couple of sidesteps to get bothered. The last girl I dated got freaked out because I wiped her shower out with the towel after I used it. I was just thinking of cleaning up after myself. She thought it was too strange and that was one of the reasons she said why she wanted to break up. I refuse to be that person who dumps someone over something so stupid.

I also believe this behavior might not entirely be her fault and that her parents should hold some of the blame. I have the feeling they didn't tell her no very much. She is in her mid 20's so I would have thought she would know better though.
there is kind of a cultural bias that the guy pays for these things ... last relationship I was in the guy got all offended every time I offered. I felt like I was slighting his manliness or something. lol

In her early 20s ... does she have a source of income for paying? In my early 20s, I had no money really. It was all for books, tuition, dorm rent. I survived on peanut butter and ramen noodles.

So I think what you should do is discuss this with her before the date rather than springing it on her. She might not have any cash on hand.
Last edited by nightling; November 2nd, 2009 at 09:13 pm. Reason: Oh ... there is no real excuse however for not saying thank you. More than once.
- November 2nd, 2009, 09:13 pm
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vinlukin wrote :
I've been on four dates with this new girl and I've picked up on a few things but one thing stands out. She has never told me thanks for anything. It is almost like she expects the things I'm doing, and I do believe she was very spoiled as a child and growing up.

No I don't think I'm owed anything. But I've also paid for everything, she has not even offered which I find strange. I've picked up all the tabs, I'm the one that has been doing the driving, etc. Yet even for something as simple as holding a door open gets no reply.

Is it me or is it not too much to ask for a simple 'thanks'? Also what is a good way to imply that I'm not paying for every thing, every time?
Sigh! These are the women that ruin it for the rest of us. Get another woman who will treat you better and show appreciation.
- November 2nd, 2009, 09:30 pm
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My comments in blue:

vinlukin wrote :

Saturday we are supposed to hit a museum, I'm going to eat right before she gets here so I won't be hungry all day. I'm going to wait until she is so hungry she suggests getting something to eat, then technically it would be her idea, plus I'm going to give her the where are you taking me to line.

This sounds like something George Costanza would dream up. What'll probably happen is that she won't be hungry either and you wind up ravenous and then end up at a nice restaurant in the museum where she'll order soup and you'll order a whole dinner. Then you'll look miserly when you ask her to pay.

For those that are asking about why I'm still dating her, well it usually takes me a bit more than a couple of sidesteps to get bothered. The last girl I dated got freaked out because I wiped her shower out with the towel after I used it. I was just thinking of cleaning up after myself. She thought it was too strange and that was one of the reasons she said why she wanted to break up. I refuse to be that person who dumps someone over something so stupid.

Another Seinfeldian moment...

- November 2nd, 2009, 09:33 pm
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I wonder if it can sometimes just be a matter of upbringing and not entitlement at all.

I dated a woman who never said thanks. She was relatively thoughtful most of the time. She was fair when it came to going out and paying for things. (She didn't pay exactly half the time, but meh close enough.) At first the not saying thanks drove me nuts.

Then I met her parents. They never said thank you to each other either, but they were just very quiet people who didn't speak much at all.

After that it was a minor issue for me as I was raised to say thank you and be appreciative for things at all times. I guess it might have been a compatibility issue, b/c if I have kids they will definitely be appreciative of when people help them or do something for them.
- November 2nd, 2009, 09:48 pm
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shoopthedoop wrote :
I wonder if it can sometimes just be a matter of upbringing and not entitlement at all.

I dated a woman who never said thanks. She was relatively thoughtful most of the time. She was fair when it came to going out and paying for things. (She didn't pay exactly half the time, but meh close enough.) At first the not saying thanks drove me nuts.

Then I met her parents. They never said thank you to each other either, but they were just very quiet people who didn't speak much at all.

After that it was a minor issue for me as I was raised to say thank you and be appreciative for things at all times. I guess it might have been a compatibility issue, b/c if I have kids they will definitely be appreciative of when people help them or do something for them.
You have a good point Shoop. The cultural range is vast in our country. Communication is key. If they don't respond appropriately once they know your point of view, then cutting them loose is legitimate, but just acting on assumptions is kind of lame imo.
- November 2nd, 2009, 09:55 pm
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LizziePooh wrote :
Why do people state that some people have trouble saying "Thanks"? Why would someone have trouble with that?
Hmmm... not that he should not be seeing red flags, but I try to do things (with a date or friend) for the joy of doing them, not for the expectation of receiving anything (including something so menial as a "thank you") in return

Bluemay2 wrote :
+1!!!
It's common courtesy to say "thank you" when someone else does something for you. Pays for dinner, holds the door open, holds the elevator, fixes your car, etc... Saying thanks is so common place in our lives that to not say it after your date pays for dinner is simply rude/poor manners. In my experience, most people who do not say "thank you" have a sense of entitlement.
littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
You can use my shower anytime.

You're good to give her a chance but sometimes these things are ingrained. I'd skip the subtle approach and next time the bill arrives, smile really big and say "I'm going to let you get this one." And then thank her, profusely.

Or, if she really seems like someone you want to move into a relationship with...have a chat. Something along the lines of "I'm really enjoying your company but I don't always know that you've enjoyed yourself. I wonder if you would be comfortable communicating that to me." and with the money "I really hope we can keep seeing one another but I think we should talk about dating and money. I want to make sure we're both on the same page about that."

These things would not offend me if done tactfully. They might offend some, but I would rather someone approach me directly about behavior that bothered them.
comes down to communication communication communication
ask her / tell her how you feel
If you don't like the answer move on
If she does not like you asking, move on
nightling wrote :
there is kind of a cultural bias that the guy pays for these things ... last relationship I was in the guy got all offended every time I offered. I felt like I was slighting his manliness or something. lol

In her early 20s ... does she have a source of income for paying? In my early 20s, I had no money really. It was all for books, tuition, dorm rent. I survived on peanut butter and ramen noodles.

So I think what you should do is discuss this with her before the date rather than springing it on her. She might not have any cash on hand.
not having the cash is NEVER an excuse for not (and should be more reason for ) being courteous
- November 2nd, 2009, 10:24 pm
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vinlukin wrote :
I've been on four dates with this new girl and I've picked up on a few things but one thing stands out. She has never told me thanks for anything. It is almost like she expects the things I'm doing, and I do believe she was very spoiled as a child and growing up.

No I don't think I'm owed anything. But I've also paid for everything, she has not even offered which I find strange. I've picked up all the tabs, I'm the one that has been doing the driving, etc. Yet even for something as simple as holding a door open gets no reply.

Is it me or is it not too much to ask for a simple 'thanks'? Also what is a good way to imply that I'm not paying for every thing, every time?
and she never will, you need to pass ... this is not a person you'd ever want to be in a relationship with ... I guessing she would not even be capable of any commitment to a relationship ... get out of there.
- November 2nd, 2009, 10:30 pm
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PR_Princess wrote :
ROFL...I would see how some people might get the wrong impression just based on my username We don't have monarchy in the world today...at least not in the traditional sense...so the providership is solely based on ceremony. I grew up in a 2 income household because money makes the world go round....not "traditional gender roles". It's all part of the romantic dance we call wooing...and I'd rather he take the lead....if you ever saw me dance you'd understand why this was a good thing
Thanks for the clarification. However, I don't think "wooing" has anything to do with money. The point of wooing is to win someone over with your personality and your character, at least in my opinion. I understand taking the lead financially during the dating process to "ceremoniously" prove the ability to provide, but too many women fail to give due importance to personality. Additionally, too many men spend beyond their means to "woo," so you're not always getting an accurate picture of his potential to provide. Based on your moniker, and with my understanding of the traditional Hispanic family, I can certainly understand your viewpoint.
- November 2nd, 2009, 10:30 pm
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vinlukin wrote :
I've been on four dates with this new girl and I've picked up on a few things but one thing stands out. She has never told me thanks for anything. It is almost like she expects the things I'm doing, and I do believe she was very spoiled as a child and growing up.

No I don't think I'm owed anything. But I've also paid for everything, she has not even offered which I find strange. I've picked up all the tabs, I'm the one that has been doing the driving, etc. Yet even for something as simple as holding a door open gets no reply.

Is it me or is it not too much to ask for a simple 'thanks'? Also what is a good way to imply that I'm not paying for every thing, every time?
I got sucked into a relationship for 2 years that started out exactly like you said. I had nothing better to do at the time, so I stuck with t.

It will not get better. Once this way she will always be this way. I saw some hope at times we would turn the corner, but we never did.

I can tell you from experience you are wasting your time with her. Walk away while its easy.
- November 2nd, 2009, 10:39 pm
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