Can_u_hear_me_now is offline Can_u_hear_me_now Post #1  November 2,2009, 11:40am
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O.k., first the facts: I was matched with someone on 10/22. SHE initiated GC that day before I checked my matches for that day. (I would have initiated if I had seen her profile, she just beat me to it.) Anyhow, it proceeded slowly, which is fine. We got to MH/CS on 10/26 and then nothing.... strange I thought... The wild card is that I have been on EH since Jan. '09 and my subscription ended on 10/28 (no more communication); I want to take a break from EH for all of the reasons we all know about including a chance to rebuild my self esteem ; )

I sent her a request to move to OC on 10/28 since my sub. was ending and explained it as such...no response.. My assumption (right or wrong) was that she never got the message. -Sorry for the length of this post, but I think the info is relevant to the situation- In her profile she listed her occupation and location. Giving in to slight stalker tendencies, I was able to find her website doing a basic search since she has a unique job in a small town. Acting on a completely wild hair, I called her at the number listed on the website, and explained who I was, and that I was really interested in continuing the process if she was still interested. I've never done anything like this before, but I figured that the potential gain was better than the potential loss, ie: she thinks I'm a real stalker and we'll still never meet.

She didn't sound completely freaked out, and said that she was busy at the moment, but that she could call be back later if that was o.k. I realize that I probably sealed my fate by making the call, but I hated the thought of going down without a fight (or at least an effort). SO the question is, do you agree, and are the rules different when THEY initiate? BTW, she still hasn't closed me out as a match. Thanks!
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #2  November 2,2009, 11:56am
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Personally, I wouldn't use outside resources to contact someone I'd been communicating with on eH unless they'd given me permission to do so. At this stage you're still complete strangers (you haven't even exchanged any non-canned communication yet). To me, that kind of unsolicited communication would tend to signal a lack of respect for boundaries...in the future I'd suggest either re-upping for a single month or just letting it go.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #3  November 2,2009, 12:06pm
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I am forced to ask just what you were possibly thinking when you decided to act on this stunt?????
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #4  November 2,2009, 12:08pm
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hmm. I think it depends. If i really liked a guy, I would be a little flattered. If i was on the fence about him I would get out the mace.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  November 2,2009, 12:23pm
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To answer your question, it does not matter one bit who initiates first. Both men and women are paying the same amount for this service and are equal participants. Please don't confuse exchanging e-mails and some questions as an actual connection.

The old rules apply, as they always have, once you are talking directly or on the phone in that the guys asks the woman out, etc. Again, keep in mind that until you've met face to face there is no relationship and no connection.

As others have already pointed out, what you did was nuts and beyond wrong. It's things like that that give all men a bad name and make dating difficult all around.
 
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Can_u_hear_me_now is offline Can_u_hear_me_now Post #6  November 2,2009, 12:36pm
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LOL, thanks for the reality check. I guess it's good that I take some time off, if not for my sake, at least the rest of mankind will fair better : )

Yeah, I knew it was a bad move before I did it, but I guess I have a bit of a reckless streak at times. Another chapter for the "He did what?!" booklet (hoping it doesn't turn into a full blown book!)
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #7  November 2,2009, 1:26pm
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Maybe I'm a psycho stalker-man too, but I think it depends on how you handle it and from the OP's description I don't think it was too much. That's assuming the OP told us everything and didn't try to go easy on himself in his explanation.

The number was listed on a public website, right? If your number is posted on a public website, you should expect to get calls from strangers.
Except he wasn't a stranger, they were in the process of getting to know each other and his account expired.

One call, giving her the option to call him back if she wants to, and that's it. If she doesn't return it, no more. To me 'stalking' would be if he continued calling after she told him she's not interested. Which she hasn't yet.

It may have been a slightly less scary move to send her your phone number in your OC request email (I don't think they edit out numbers, do they?) But finding her number and calling her, while potentially scary, is also potentially more impressive.
Like the OP said, what can he lose? If she thinks he's a creepy stalker and doesn't call him back, he won't be any worse off than he would have been if he'd given up and never contacted her at all.
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #8  November 2,2009, 1:36pm
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kevin76 wrote :
Maybe I'm a psycho stalker-man too, but I think it depends on how you handle it and from the OP's description I don't think it was too much. That's assuming the OP told us everything and didn't try to go easy on himself in his explanation.

The number was listed on a public website, right? If your number is posted on a public website, you should expect to get calls from strangers.
Except he wasn't a stranger, they were in the process of getting to know each other and his account expired.

One call, giving her the option to call him back if she wants to, and that's it. If she doesn't return it, no more. To me 'stalking' would be if he continued calling after she told him she's not interested. Which she hasn't yet.

It may have been a slightly less scary move to send her your phone number in your OC request email (I don't think they edit out numbers, do they?) But finding her number and calling her, while potentially scary, is also potentially more impressive.
Like the OP said, what can he lose? If she thinks he's a creepy stalker and doesn't call him back, he won't be any worse off than he would have been if he'd given up and never contacted her at all.
She didn't give the number or the website, just her occupation and the town where she worked. From that info he found the website and the number. Yes, the number is public - for business calls, not to contact someone you may or may not end up meeting with a view to dating. I'd be royally ticked off for a number of reasons. He did cross boundaries. As someone else pointed out, he only had to renew for a month or let it go.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #9  November 2,2009, 1:52pm
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sabete2002 wrote :
She didn't give the number or the website, just her occupation and the town where she worked. From that info he found the website and the number. Yes, the number is public - for business calls, not to contact someone you may or may not end up meeting with a view to dating. I'd be royally ticked off for a number of reasons. He did cross boundaries. As someone else pointed out, he only had to renew for a month or let it go.
That's okay, you can be royally ticked off all you want. Just don't ever call me and that's the end of it. No more problem.
Is it also crossing boundaries for a man to ask a woman for her phone number while she's at work and he's a customer? (That's an honest question, I've thought about asking a cute waitress for her phone number but it didn't seem right. Now I'll never know what would have happened.)
Really, some women don't mind and some get royally ticked off, and sometimes the only way for a man to know which you are is to try it. That's the risk a guy has to take sometimes.
I keep telling myself that one of these days I'll meet a woman who appreciates what I went through to find her and show enough interest to get her attention without showing too much interest and scaring her away.
Until then, I hope you find a man who pursues you according to the rules you find acceptable. I'm sure there are plenty of them out there.
And I hope the OP finds a woman who appreciates his risk-taking spontaneous romanticism. There are a few women out there like that, I hope.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #10  November 2,2009, 1:53pm
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Why didn't you just renew for a month?

That said, this can probably be forgiven as long as you weren't too creepy about it all, depending on how much she liked you to begin with.

Otherwise, yeah, deepsixed.
 
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