Are the rules different?


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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #11  November 2,2009, 2:01pm
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kevin76 wrote :
Is it also crossing boundaries for a man to ask a woman for her phone number while she's at work and he's a customer? (That's an honest question, I've thought about asking a cute waitress for her phone number but it didn't seem right. Now I'll never know what would have happened.)
Completely different situation. The key difference is that you're allowing her to be in control of her own privacy. You're having a standard day-to-day interaction, and then asking if she would be interested in a different kind of interaction, a request which she can then grant or deny. She may turn you down, but such a request doesn't inherently come across as creepy.

In the internet stalking case, one is gathering personal information about someone else without her knowledge or permission in order to contact her in a way that she doesn't necessarily want, without asking whether she'd like that communication.

The equivalent to asking for a waitresses number in a restaurant is asking for someone's number over email, which is fine. What he did would be more like asking the restaurant owner for her last name, looking up her number in the phonebook, and then calling unannounced.
Last edited by cardguy; November 2,2009 at 2:05pm.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #12  November 2,2009, 2:07pm
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cardguy wrote :
Completely different situation. The key difference is that you're allowing her to be in control of her own privacy. You're having a standard day-to-day interaction, and then asking if she would be interested in a different kind of interaction, a request which she can then grant or deny. She may turn you down, but such a request doesn't inherently come across as creepy.

In the internet stalking case, one is gathering personal information about someone else without her knowledge or permission in order to contact her in a way that she doesn't necessarily want, without asking whether she'd like that communication.

The equivalent to asking for a waitresses number in a restaurant is asking for someone's number over email, which is fine. What he did would be more like asking the restaurant owner for her last name, looking up her number in the phonebook, and then calling unannounced.
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #13  November 2,2009, 2:15pm
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cardguy wrote :
Completely different situation. The key difference is that you're allowing her to be in control of her own privacy. You're having a standard day-to-day interaction, and then asking if she would be interested in a different kind of interaction, a request which she can then grant or deny. She may turn you down, but such a request doesn't inherently come across as creepy.

Good point, thanks.

In the internet stalking case, one is gathering personal information about someone else without her knowledge or permission in order to contact her in a way that she doesn't necessarily want, without asking whether she'd like that communication.

Except he didn't have the chance to ask her in person. So he asks on the phone, which gives her the chance to explicitly grant or deny further contact. Borderline maybe, but not extreme as long as it goes no further than that I think.

The equivalent to asking for a waitresses number in a restaurant is asking for someone's number over email, which is fine. What he did would be more like asking the restaurant owner for her last name, looking up her number in the phonebook, and then calling unannounced.
Not the same, because if you're talking to someone in person you have the chance to ask them for their number right then. The OP didn't have that chance, except maybe by extending his membership for a month - but since she hadn't responded for a while it was possible her membership was expired too and he'd have bought a month's membership for nothing.
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #14  November 2,2009, 2:22pm
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In other words, he valued the cost of a month's membership more than his match's privacy. There were two options to pursue the match further: one which placed his concerns first and one which placed hers.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #15  November 2,2009, 2:30pm
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cardguy wrote :
In other words, he valued the cost of a month's membership more than his match's privacy. There were two options to pursue the match further: one which placed his concerns first and one which placed hers.
You could look at it that way.

Or you could also say there were two options to pursue the match further: one which gives her the chance to speak for herself clearly and directly and one which gambles on the hope that maybe she's just busy and will respond later instead of just 'poofing' inexplicably.

Of course for me that's all hypothetical - I've never actually done anything like that and likely never will. But there's always that nagging doubt at the back of my mind telling me that maybe if I were a little more bold in my approach I might get more responses - sure more rejections, but a few that would be flattered perhaps, too.
Not like I'm actually ever going to try it.

To the OP: Let us know if she calls you back and it actually goes anywhere. Now you've got me curious.
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #16  November 2,2009, 2:51pm
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you were far too slow ... 1st contact to date should be less than a week ... longer than that you're obvously a dullard. Move on. Next!
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #17  November 2,2009, 4:23pm

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Interesting...I can see Kevin's and CardGuy's point of views.

As for me, if a match found me through the web - it would freak me out.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #18  November 2,2009, 4:27pm
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I gotta go with cardguy on this one. It's just creepy.

The problem is that the woman is left wondering, since you went that far, where DO you draw the line as far as privacy goes. Did you also search the property records and drive by her house? Look in the windows maybe? I know it's extreme, but once you cross a line, you leave others wondering what you consider too far.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #19  November 2,2009, 4:29pm

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LizziePooh wrote :
As for me, if a match found me through the web - it would freak me out.
I thought that's how EH works...through the internet
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #20  November 2,2009, 4:30pm
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kevin76 wrote :
That's okay, you can be royally ticked off all you want. Just don't ever call me and that's the end of it. No more problem.
Is it also crossing boundaries for a man to ask a woman for her phone number while she's at work and he's a customer? (That's an honest question, I've thought about asking a cute waitress for her phone number but it didn't seem right. Now I'll never know what would have happened.)
Really, some women don't mind and some get royally ticked off, and sometimes the only way for a man to know which you are is to try it. That's the risk a guy has to take sometimes.
I keep telling myself that one of these days I'll meet a woman who appreciates what I went through to find her and show enough interest to get her attention without showing too much interest and scaring her away.
Until then, I hope you find a man who pursues you according to the rules you find acceptable. I'm sure there are plenty of them out there.
And I hope the OP finds a woman who appreciates his risk-taking spontaneous romanticism. There are a few women out there like that, I hope.
No worries. I won't

But for me, my personal life and my work life are two very separate things which is why I would have a problem with it. As for romantic, I am. There are a million other ways to be romantic.
 
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