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Jacquesne Jacquesne is offline
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Jacquesne knows the answer...42

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The reason men are...concerned...about taking a girl's virginity is because they don't necessarily know how she is going to take it. There's two negative outcomes that I've seen expressed (as in worried by guys and actually done by women) and one is hyper-clinginess and the other is hyper-looseness.

Sure, many women act like normal human beings (as far as women can...muahaha!) after their first time but enough lose their minds that guys like to know about the minefield before walking around. You then know to be a bit more careful.

I suppose it depends a bit on how you view sex. For instance many people, myself included, view sex as important but ultimately something fun to share with your partner. It's not a major life-changing event or vow of permanent devotion. The worry is that a virgin may have been "saving themselves" and see it as a communication of such a serious commitment or event. It's somewhat akin to buying a girl a ring just to get a gift and have her respond with "Yes! I'll marry you!" The communication wavelengths were too far apart and it's scary.

The other fear guys have about dating a virgin, not having sex with one, is that they aren't ever going to have sex with her. Depending on the guy they'll wait for sex as long as sex remains a possibility at some point. That's true even of guys that aren't looking for just sex. Compatible timelines, from third date to honeymoon, are important in a relationship.

It really does depend on the people involved. For instance I could see a virgin as "the holy grail" by the knowledge that she was willing to wait and that I'm special. She was willing to wait for me specifically. On the other hand I could see a virgin as a bad thing because now I have to worry about her looking for greener pastures. It all depends on perspective (and perhaps your degree of cynicism).

I would have to take it on a case-by-case basis.

Jacquesne
- November 2nd, 2009, 12:55 pm
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neardc neardc is offline
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Jacquesne wrote :
Sure, many women act like normal human beings (as far as women can...muahaha!) after their first time but enough lose their minds that guys like to know about the minefield before walking around. You then know to be a bit more careful.
Seriously; I have yet to meet anyone--female or male--who "lost their mind" along with their virginity... It's really a pretty normal part of development for most people and not something that unhinges them...lol.
- November 2nd, 2009, 01:20 pm
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scarlet13 scarlet13 is offline
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Jacquesne wrote :
The reason men are...concerned...about taking a girl's virginity is because they don't necessarily know how she is going to take it. There's two negative outcomes that I've seen expressed (as in worried by guys and actually done by women) and one is hyper-clinginess and the other is hyper-looseness.

Sure, many women act like normal human beings (as far as women can...muahaha!) after their first time but enough lose their minds that guys like to know about the minefield before walking around. You then know to be a bit more careful.

I suppose it depends a bit on how you view sex. For instance many people, myself included, view sex as important but ultimately something fun to share with your partner. It's not a major life-changing event or vow of permanent devotion. The worry is that a virgin may have been "saving themselves" and see it as a communication of such a serious commitment or event. It's somewhat akin to buying a girl a ring just to get a gift and have her respond with "Yes! I'll marry you!" The communication wavelengths were too far apart and it's scary.

The other fear guys have about dating a virgin, not having sex with one, is that they aren't ever going to have sex with her. Depending on the guy they'll wait for sex as long as sex remains a possibility at some point. That's true even of guys that aren't looking for just sex. Compatible timelines, from third date to honeymoon, are important in a relationship.

It really does depend on the people involved. For instance I could see a virgin as "the holy grail" by the knowledge that she was willing to wait and that I'm special. She was willing to wait for me specifically. On the other hand I could see a virgin as a bad thing because now I have to worry about her looking for greener pastures. It all depends on perspective (and perhaps your degree of cynicism).

I would have to take it on a case-by-case basis.

Jacquesne
I would also think it would be a lot of pressure also to make sure her first time wasn't terrible and ruin sex for her for the next 5 years or so.
- November 2nd, 2009, 01:22 pm
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scarlet13 wrote :
I would also think it would be a lot of pressure also to make sure her first time wasn't terrible and ruin sex for her for the next 5 years or so.
You've got to give us guys some credit....we know she'd have a fantastic experience with us. But seriously, as long as I truly had a deep interest in and cared for the woman I wouldn't feel it to be any 'burden' at all. Actually, I've never been with a virgin in my life and probably never will, though recently I've dated a couple women who have only previously had sex with 1 man.
- November 2nd, 2009, 01:52 pm
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jayjay wrote :
You've got to give us guys some credit....we know she'd have a fantastic experience with us.
oh, I'm not talking about you guys. i'm talking about other guys. I'm sure you all would be spectacular.
- November 2nd, 2009, 01:57 pm
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Last edited by Turtle_speed; November 2nd, 2009 at 02:52 pm. Reason: deleted duplicate thread after it made it out of moderation land.
- November 2nd, 2009, 02:20 pm
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saulgoode wrote :

Before I got married, I attached a pretty high value to the act of sex. I'd only been with five women, I think (?), and they were all long-term, or at least had some emotional attachment, and I married one of them.

After you're about 30, though, it's a moot question. Only the rarest of rares is still a virgin, and the emotional attachment to sex is not as profound.

You become attached for reasons having nothing at all to do with sex. - Saul
This was an interesting thought to me. I don't think for anyone who has still not had sex, it could seem possible that emotional attachment to sex would not be profound. I imagine that for you the change in attachment was not due to age but frequency. For someone in their 30s who has not had sex, it still carries a lot of emotional attachment.

Dafearon wrote :
The "responsibility" here is that you've done something that someone else hasn't. It has the potential to be ground breaking and you don't know how much the other person values this. If they value their virginity, and they lose it in a heat of passion and then regret it, you're the one with the experience. There is a huge unknown here and that unknown can be daunting to some.

I dated a virgin once who was over 30. She just never dated much, so obviously sex didn't come easily because of that. She was very scared of messing up. My "responsibility" i felt in this relationship was to make sure she saw things clearly and not let it get away from her. She had never experienced sex and the road leading to it, so it would have been very easy for her to get swayed by the moment. I felt that since i've been down this road a couple of times, I had the obligation to make sure her head was clear before proceeding and not let her get ahead of herself and regret it later. I felt this responsibility because I had the experience here and had to lead, but I didn't want to inadvertently lead her where I wanted to go, instead of where WE wanted to go.
I really appreciate your thoughts on this Dafearon. As someone with little dating experience, I do often feel like an over-sexed teenager with the slightest little touch or smallest attention. Your appreciation for her lack of experience even on the road leading to sex was very insightful. Your understanding and unselfishness in helping her to keep her head is what I hope to find in my dates. I worry about keeping my head in dating, not merely because I want to stick my principles. But because I don't want to make juvenile mistakes in the heat of the moment. I am familiar with sticking to my principles in theory. Sticking to them in practice is an entirely different situation that I know I have yet to manage. Thanks for your thoughts.
- November 2nd, 2009, 02:25 pm
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nightling wrote :
and somehow no one really addresses why being a virgin would be the holy grail to a young guy ...
The premise of this address would be like ...jumping off a building and pretending that gravity doesn't exist. You simply cannot dismiss or deny the fact that - since the beginning of time - virgins have always had more 'value' to the male gender than their non-virgin sisters. *BOGGLE*

As for the OP question at hand ...at 43, if I were to happen across a age-appropriate virgin during my daily travels among the fairies and the unicorns ...I'd probably run the other direction. Let's just call it for reasons of incompatibility and leave it at that ...shall we?

Oh, don't even get me started on the "born-again" virgins ...
- November 2nd, 2009, 02:26 pm
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Jacquesne Jacquesne is offline
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neardc wrote :
Seriously; I have yet to meet anyone--female or male--who "lost their mind" along with their virginity... It's really a pretty normal part of development for most people and not something that unhinges them...lol.
One of my best friends once slept with a girl and found out later she was a virgin and he didn't know it. He went with it but soon found out she had cheated on him and after they broke up she slept with, well, many guys.

And I've known several guys (and two Marines) who have had to deal with women who have stalked them for over a year after they had sex because they wanted their first to be "the one" seemingly at all costs.

Am I saying this is the norm? Not at all. Sort of like if you meet a guy at a bar the chances of him being a serial killer or rapist is statistically extremely low. Yet women are still very cautious. It's not that you're going to run into the virgin who will be a stalker or that other s-word very often but the time you do it leaves an impression.

Both myself and my first girlfriend were virgins our first time and neither of us lost our minds. I know that's pretty normal. But I'd still be cautious. And I'm not the only guy who thinks that way.

Just to clarify =)

Jacquesne
- November 2nd, 2009, 02:30 pm
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The idea of the sacredness behind virginity is culturally constructed, and the fact that people primarily concern themselves with the sacredness of women's virginity says a lot about its role in society: controlling women and their sexuality.

Anyone else hearing a ton of male arrogance in this thread? And I've been reading the posts from a lot of you guys on here for a long time...I know you're not arrogant people. But it seems like you think that:

a) Your sexual prowess would absolutely unhinge a virgin...to the point where you have to take precautions not only to protect yourself from how emotionally insane she's going to get when you have sex with her, but to protest her from herself as well

b) If a woman is a virgin beyond a certain age, there *must* be something incredibly wrong with her that you don't even want to contemplate.

c) You having sex with a virgin would be a real favour to her - something you grant her the privilege of enjoying, "even though"

Whoa. That's all I've got to say.
- November 2nd, 2009, 02:37 pm
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