Dating a virgin ~ the holy grail of dating or a burdonsome responsibility? Discuss.

Yes it does depend a lot on the age group. Personally, if a man has not been married and is not a virgin, I do not consider him.

If he does not love his future wife enough to control himself, then how can I trust that he will control himself once we are married?

I am saving myself and I expect the same from him.

As for sex, well, I believe two people of similar sexual experiences should be together, because its unrealistic to expect everyone to remain virgins before a relationship.
Also, I believe sex shouldn't be the primary value of a relationship, but comes along naturally as part of it.
This is why so many marriages fizzle out because people select their mates based on superficial lists and requirements such as beauty and looks - but after marriage these things fade, because many have never really considered the person's true character/personality's suitability to theirs they end up with almost a stranger. Sex might then drop to a slow period (no one can have mind-blowing sex consistently there will always be slow periods during pregnancies, etc etc) and the man will really have nothing in common with this person because when all else failed only the sex held them together anyway since he had selected her so superficially. Now that sex is gone he sees no or little value in the relationship and only complains about how 'bad' or 'non-existent' the sex is and looks elsewhere.

This came up in another thread so rather than hijack it we're doing this.


If you knew you were dating a virgin would it please you or trouble you?

Is it a heavy responsibility? Or is it a rare and precious pearl?

Reading all these posts I can't help but feel most of the people posting here have a somewhat casual attitude towards sex.

Either they see sex as just 'sex' by placing sole value on it, thus basing their values of relationships on sex which is the largest mitigating factor, or they just can't be half arsed to view sex as anything but just a ritual of pleasuring one's self along with another partner - empty and meaningless.

I'm a 23 years old woman and yes I'm a virgin. I've been engaged to my fiance since we were in high school but didn't want to go shotgun marriage because there's nothing worse than teenage idiots getting hitched for the sake of it.
Coincidentally we have quite a number more factors we have to consider than the average person in a relationship as we hail from different countries (we met while studying overseas), come from different cultural backgrounds and races, and worse, religions.

So you can see most people wouldn't have really bothered because it takes 'work'.
However, for my fiance, the moment he set eyes on me he said he knew he wanted me to be with him for the rest of his life.
He told me after we had known each other for about 3 months as friends that he didn't want to date me because it would be disrespectful to me (for some in our cultures, though this is probably 90% gone now due to westernisation/modernisation of our generations, dating is a very loose, casual way for people to experiment and he felt I was worth more than just an 'experiment'), he asked me to marry him.
I was stunned, because we were just teens. I mean I wanted to get through university (we both entered university at 17 because of our grades) and then get a career AND a life of independence before thinking of getting a husband!
I told him to give me time to think about it. Even though at that point we had become very close friends, the thought crossed my mind that he might be a slimy dirtbag who wanted to get into my pants by telling me he wanted to marry me and then pressurise me into sleeping with him using the 'we're going to get married anyway' card.
Story cut short, during the time I considered we remained friends and I finally said 'yes'.
We decided to get engaged and agreed that marrying at a young age might only serve to jepordise our futures - kids need a stable environment and if you're going to marry early have 'have a kid' by accident you can forget about your education and career.
Another long story cut short, my family was outraged as we come from an upper-class family and there are certain unspoken 'rules' you follow (which I completely disagree with. Its just that my family is very. Um. Conservative and last generation while my siblings and I were raised very modern) - that is, no dark people, no other religions except mine and the common Asian religion our race has, no poor people, no lower-class people, basically no choice except that which is approved by the family.
He faced the same thing. He comes from an upper-middle class family back in his home country and they weren't too happy I wasn't of his religion (they are very strict) and that I wasn't even the same race.
We fought for many years. I left my family and he did his - we still keep in close touch with them - as that was the only way to be together.
We left our wealth to fight in the real way and pay our way through everything - rent, bills, education, etc.
You might not blink an eye at this as it is normal in western countries to kick your kids out when they are teens or 20's to be independent but it is normal in Asian cultures to have your kids under your roof until they are married. So for us going independent was very scary, hard but we were so happy.
We moved and lived in 2 Asian countries (one being mine) and then moved to where we met overseas (Western country) to live.

This entire time we have vowed to keep ourselves for one another and aside from the peck/smooch on the cheek and lips we have no done anything sexual with one another.
He doesn't ever pressurise me nor I do him and he told me he is virgin too.
We're due to be married next year.

Of course, we're excited that we get to enjoy one another during our honeymoon.
My friends have told me that perhaps he's lying about being a virgin and he's happy to have a 'pure and wholesome good girl' type but he wouldn't have waited and fought together with me on both our families and cultures (in my country we were stared at and even harassed for me being with him, while those of the same races can make out by escalators no problem. So hypocritical!).
Plus not to mention my sister had jokingly told me that I would know if he's a virgin because all virgins have no idea what to do in the bedroom during their first time.

I find that really beautiful that we will be exploring one another for the first time in love and marriage.

We fought really hard and to me it really is worth waiting for the right person. Not only is he/she worth fighting for (look at how much we have gone through to get to where we are, on our own, through opposing families, cultures, racial and even religious barriers!) you appreciate the person so much more.
There is a kind of unfathomable trust we both have in one another which I find many couples do not have because they see their relationship in such a sterile, non-compromising (aka two separate individuals not two souls in one body) manner which is why there can be no compromise.

I believe men and women should ask themselves what is more worth it.
A woman/man who has strong principles and values who will stick by you through thick and thin or a woman who 'ticks all the boxes' in your superficial list of must-haves (i.e. must have a straight 90 degree angled nose, no more than size 14, good rack, puts out, doesn't play hard to get) - any woman can have these and pretend play the rest if she only wants your money or any man can do the same if he only wants your body.

As for sex, well, I believe two people of similar sexual experiences should be together, because its unrealistic to expect everyone to remain virgins before a relationship.
Also, I believe sex shouldn't be the primary value of a relationship, but comes along naturally as part of it.
This is why so many marriages fizzle out because people select their mates based on superficial lists and requirements such as beauty and looks - but after marriage these things fade, because many have never really considered the person's true character/personality's suitability to theirs they end up with almost a stranger. Sex might then drop to a slow period (no one can have mind-blowing sex consistently there will always be slow periods during pregnancies, etc etc) and the man will really have nothing in common with this person because when all else failed only the sex held them together anyway since he had selected her so superficially. Now that sex is gone he sees no or little value in the relationship and only complains about how 'bad' or 'non-existent' the sex is and looks elsewhere.

I enjoyed your story and wish you luck, but I think you have a rather naive outlook when it comes to the relationships of others.

Marriages fail for myriad reasons that have little to do with the initial "superficial" reasons that draw people together. I think a bigger factor has to do with people changing over time, especially if they marry when they are young. Yes, they end up with a complete stranger because they are different people than when they went into the marriage, and that has nothing to do with looks.

I don't know anyone who believes that sex is the primary value of a relationship even though they do believe in sex before marriage. I think this is yet another example of virgins (or the celibate) posting on eHA placing so much more importance on sex in relationships than those who do actually engage in it.

Yes it does depend a lot on the age group. Personally, if a man has not been married and is not a virgin, I do not consider him. If he does not love his future wife enough to control himself, then how can I trust that he will control himself once we are married? I am saving myself and I expect the same from him.