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beenaroundtheblockafewtimes beenaroundtheblockafewtimes is offline
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This seems like a person who will twist a story to fit his needs. All he needed to say was, "The papers have been filed but the divorce is not final yet." What would've been so difficult about that?

In my opinion, if he would lie about something as basic as his marital status, which is is pretty objective, really (I mean, how many possible answers ARE there?), it seems to me he wouldn't hesitate to twist the truth anytime he felt the urge to do so, just to suit his own selfish purposes.

I'm glad you made the decision you did.
- November 5th, 2009, 03:08 pm
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FruitaBu FruitaBu is offline
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I have run into this "legally" still married issue way too much myself. I just don't get it. It's a yes or no question. Are you married or are you not married? Period.

Only once was someone brutally honest about it and due to the special circumstances and the open discussion, I decided to proceed in a limited way. Totally regretted it.

Let people finish the past before they start the present.


** Lying about it would be (and has been) an automatic dealbreaker for me.
- November 5th, 2009, 07:56 pm
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peg099 peg099 is offline
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parakeetjordan wrote :
Thank you, everyone, for your advice. Your comments really helped me.

Before I posted this thread, I was leaning toward not responding to this guy's email because I felt I couldn't start a relationship with mistrust. I wavered in my decision because I really could understand why he did what he did, and felt that he could be a great guy who just made a mistake. I wanted this board's opinion because I didn't want to throw away a great guy, and wanted to know if I was being unreasonable in my thought process.

After reading all the posts, I realize that I have to go with my gut and not pursue anything further with this guy. Six months ago, I was a newbie to online dating, and he was one of the first guys that I communicated with and was interested in. If I had met him, and had fallen for him, I shutter to think the hell he would have put me through had I found out after we had slept together that he was still married. I also wonder when he was going to tell me that he lied. After I slept with him or before? I am also a little afraid of the way he can parse the truth so easily (i.e., separating the emotional from the legal side of my question when he knew what I was really asking him).
I'm a little late to the thread but I'm glad you made the decision you did.

Basically, by lying to you 'because he was afraid you wouldn't be interested if you knew the truth' he showed you a couple of things about his character.
1) He is a coward.
2) He is willing to lie when he thinks the truth would result in him not getting his way. Lying to get the outcome one wants is simply a form of control.
3) He is willing to lie and justify doing so. In other words, he's willing to rationalize trying to control your behavior - even worse, that rationalization amounts to 'because I might not have gotten my way'.

For me, the issue is the lie - not the circumstance. If he had healthy self-esteem and respect for both himself and you, he would have told you the truth (i.e. it's over emotionally but the paperwork isn't finalizaed) and let you decide whether you wanted to get involved under those circumstances. The fact that you were even considering giving him a second chance tells me that those circumstances weren't necessarily a deal-breaker for you. But he never gave you the chance to say 'yes' to those circumstances because he was afraid he might not get his way.
- November 5th, 2009, 08:25 pm
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shellyg shellyg is offline
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It appears that I am late in my posting but I felt that I needed to express my opinion. I agree with Peg that he did lie in order to get the outcome he desired. He was afraid that if he told you the truth that you would not have wanted to meet him. Which, you probably would have.

His still being married should have been told to you upfront. While he may have already moved on emotionally, the ties are not completely severed. Him not telling you something like this initially is the same as not being truthful with you when you asked. I have a friend who is still legally married and will not date until his divorce is final on paper. He was upfront and honest about it immediately upon my asking why he is not dating anyone. This is what this man should have done with you. I would be cautious with proceeding if you still want to meet him. There are some things that people need to be upfront about when dating. It is not fair and manipulative to get someone emotionally involved with you before revealing important information about yourself that will affect your relationship.
Last edited by shellyg; November 6th, 2009 at 04:35 am.
- November 6th, 2009, 04:30 am
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Odalisque Odalisque is offline
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First I must say that I applaud you--I do background checks too. Second, I agree that married men are off limits. Third, I believe there has to be some flexability in trying to get to know someone through writing and perhaps phone calls--I don't know how far you got into the relationship. When you are beginning to know someone online you are taking tentative steps to building trust and at the time you asked him this question it may have felt too personal to him to have replied the way that he finally did so he summed it up in saying he was divorced because that was the best way he felt he could answer. Fourth, and the best one, he did come back and explain himself fully, showing you his respect for you as well as his vulnerability. What he wrote rings true to me. I would at least go out on one date with him and then trust your instincts. It would be so sad to have regrets later. Go for it and good luck!
- November 6th, 2009, 11:03 pm
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I know this post is late in replying but I feel I must respond. I too, applaud you for seeking advice about this. I was also new at internet dating and my first relationship was with someone who lied to me about being divorced. I ignorantly agreed not to do background checks without their knowledge because I felt it was being deceitful to them. I now know better. He was not divorced and I quickly learned that this was one of many, many lies told to me. The emotional manipulation has had a lasting effect on me. Now, I do background checks but need a recommendation for a good legitimate site to get these. I have been scammed from companies who say they'll give you a background check and then take your money.

Now, I will NOT date anyone who is separated or recently divorced. While separated you get sucked into their drama and you will be their rebound relationship. You most certainly will NOT be their life partner, it's just too soon. On the other hand even if they're recently divorced it is also too soon to have this be a lasting relationship. They have a lot to learn about themselves and sort out.

Anyone have a good site they can recommend for good background checks?
- November 7th, 2009, 10:00 pm
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polly_anna polly_anna is offline
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Well it's up to you to define whether emotional separation or legal divorce is enough.

But the question is not about that, but instead about whether he lied or not and how bad a lie it was. But if he can lie about this what else might he omit?

I dated a man who lied about his age. When I found out I said no big deal, a few years makes no difference. But then I found out he lied about almost everything else.
- November 8th, 2009, 10:57 pm
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parakeetjordan parakeetjordan is offline
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kimmie1 wrote :
I know this post is late in replying but I feel I must respond. I too, applaud you for seeking advice about this. I was also new at internet dating and my first relationship was with someone who lied to me about being divorced. I ignorantly agreed not to do background checks without their knowledge because I felt it was being deceitful to them. I now know better. He was not divorced and I quickly learned that this was one of many, many lies told to me. The emotional manipulation has had a lasting effect on me. Now, I do background checks but need a recommendation for a good legitimate site to get these. I have been scammed from companies who say they'll give you a background check and then take your money.

Now, I will NOT date anyone who is separated or recently divorced. While separated you get sucked into their drama and you will be their rebound relationship. You most certainly will NOT be their life partner, it's just too soon. On the other hand even if they're recently divorced it is also too soon to have this be a lasting relationship. They have a lot to learn about themselves and sort out.

Anyone have a good site they can recommend for good background checks?
As a lawyer, it is easy for me to access public records online, but you wouldn't have access to the same online system. Call your local county courthouse and ask about their system for accessing public records.
- November 9th, 2009, 10:48 am
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Just adding one more to the tally - my first internet relationship was with someone who didn't exactly lie about being divorced. . .he just neglected to mention that he was married. Seems like this happens a lot, huh?

He eventually admitted it on his own, and I forgave him. I mean, he was separated. . .his wife is glad he is dating (I assume because it eases her guilt of cheating on and abandoning him). . .it's not like he's running around on her. . .it's just a divorce waiting period nightmare, since both of them moved to different states after separating. Still, I'm well aware that it may prove to be the singularly most stupid thing I've ever done, but I really liked the guy. . . love him now. So. . .que sera sera, right?
- November 9th, 2009, 11:23 am
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verylibra verylibra is offline
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Hhhmmm....going throw my thoughts in here as well. I met and fell in love with a man who I later found out was less than divorced. I ended the relationship as soon as I found out the truth. He begged me to keep seeing him even agreeing to get it all behind him quickly. In my heart and gut, I think he simply screwed up.

People make mistakes. You may want to explore the relationship further since he's obviously humbled himself in this manner. There are times when I wish I had been less high and mighty about my decision but it came from my heart and not my head.

Best of luck...
- November 10th, 2009, 07:36 am
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