Should Lie About Status of Divorce Be Forgiven?


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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #31  November 1,2009, 8:16pm
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hazmat wrote :
I shudder to think of the weaponry you have at hand Actually, I just like a good debate
You know that's not a shudder so much as a naughty little thrill...

Come back anytime. I'll be here all week
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #32  November 1,2009, 8:19pm
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Until a divorce is final you are still married. It does not matter when you decided that the marriage was over, when you decided you were "emotionally" divorced, etc, etc, etc.

The psychologist suggest that you wait at least a year after the divorce is FINAL before you begin dating. Personally if a match says that she has been divorced for less than 2 or 3 years I am going to be wary of getting involved. No, no, no, been the rebound guy before, don't care to be the rebound guy again.
 
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parakeetjordan is offline parakeetjordan Post #33  November 2,2009, 6:18am
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Thank you, everyone, for your advice. Your comments really helped me.

Before I posted this thread, I was leaning toward not responding to this guy's email because I felt I couldn't start a relationship with mistrust. I wavered in my decision because I really could understand why he did what he did, and felt that he could be a great guy who just made a mistake. I wanted this board's opinion because I didn't want to throw away a great guy, and wanted to know if I was being unreasonable in my thought process.

After reading all the posts, I realize that I have to go with my gut and not pursue anything further with this guy. Six months ago, I was a newbie to online dating, and he was one of the first guys that I communicated with and was interested in. If I had met him, and had fallen for him, I shutter to think the hell he would have put me through had I found out after we had slept together that he was still married. I also wonder when he was going to tell me that he lied. After I slept with him or before? I am also a little afraid of the way he can parse the truth so easily (i.e., separating the emotional from the legal side of my question when he knew what I was really asking him).
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Chucho is offline Chucho Post #34  November 2,2009, 6:39am
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parakeetjordan wrote :
Thank you, everyone, for your advice. Your comments really helped me.

Before I posted this thread, I was leaning toward not responding to this guy's email because I felt I couldn't start a relationship with mistrust. I wavered in my decision because I really could understand why he did what he did, and felt that he could be a great guy who just made a mistake. I wanted this board's opinion because I didn't want to throw away a great guy, and wanted to know if I was being unreasonable in my thought process.

After reading all the posts, I realize that I have to go with my gut and not pursue anything further with this guy. Six months ago, I was a newbie to online dating, and he was one of the first guys that I communicated with and was interested in. If I had met him, and had fallen for him, I shutter to think the hell he would have put me through had I found out after we had slept together that he was still married. I also wonder when he was going to tell me that he lied. After I slept with him or before? I am also a little afraid of the way he can parse the truth so easily (i.e., separating the emotional from the legal side of my question when he knew what I was really asking him).
Good you've found in the comments to your issue enough to bring back the inner peace you needed, made a decision and move on. As you have seen, opinions were well spread, left and right, which shows how diverse human nature is. In the end, if you're doing what makes you feel good, that's all what counts!
 
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SuzanneInHouston is offline SuzanneInHouston Post #35  November 2,2009, 9:21pm
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I would have a hard time forgiving him but forgiveness is necessary. But no way would I ever consider dating him. First of all, he was on a dating site while he was still married. That's a crucial part of your story that you are overlooking. It attests to his character. I would say that anyone separating from their spouse should not be actively searching for a new one. Impatient much? Not really worried about offending anyone with this answer because it's pretty cut and dried.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #36  November 3,2009, 7:22am
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Oh well...can't win 'em all
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #37  November 3,2009, 7:42am
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I think you made the right choice, Parakeet. Good job on having your head work alongside your heart!
 
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MValleyEast is offline MValleyEast Post #38  November 4,2009, 8:00am
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I disagree with the people telling you to meet this man. What happened to marriage being sacred? He has shown you that he is willing to lie when it is to his advantage and that he would rationalize dating other women if you were the estarnged wife! We cannot allow ourselves to be governed by emotions and ignore evidence of blatant character deficiencies because someone flatters us and says things we like to hear. I am disappointed that society is not more censorious about such conduct. Decades ago anyone who dated while legally wed to another was shunned by polite society. I always ask a man who claims to be divorced the date that the marriage was legally dissolved. If he becomes evasive or rationalizes anything, I run!
 
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adventures is offline adventures Post #39  November 5,2009, 11:38am
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why didn't he just explain it that simply from the beginning? It's a trust issue now.
 
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imbricated is offline imbricated Post #40  November 5,2009, 1:34pm
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I would go out with him and decide from there. There are so many separated people out there and divorces are messy and complex. Then of course there's differentiating separated from legally separated (and those are two vastly different things).

My divorce took seven years due to custody issues. Now I could have ended it before then if the right person had come along, but it would have had a devastating impact on my relationship with my son. There's not enough room (or probable interest) to go into details here, but I knew I could finalize the divorce in less than two years at any time. There was no way I would have married someone new in less than that, so it wasn't a big worry for me.

My marriage counselor actually advised me to lie about my status, for the exact reasons cited above. I did so once, and then felt bad about it and came clean before things really got underway. the girl was furious with me and wanted nothing more to do with me. After that I was honest about my status with anyone who asked.

I can tell you though, that I refused to discuss the details of my ex and I with anyone for the first month or two. If they asked too many questions I would ask them why they were so interested in the most difficult and painful aspect of my life, and then asked if there was anything terrible that had happened to them that they would like to discuss for a while. Needless to say, a relationship ender. Also, I had one girlfriend who thought it was useful to remind me that I was still a married man whenever she became irritated with me. Another relationship ender. Legally separated for years is vastly different than a married man betraying his family.

So yeah, he lied to you (he knew exactly what you wanted to know) but not because he was up to something devious or ugly. He lied because he doubted you could get a reasonable understanding of the situation without getting to know him first. Also, I've got to say that someone pulling a security check on me at the beginning of a relationship would be a major red flag for me. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, but you might not want to let people know you've done so.
 
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