Should Lie About Status of Divorce Be Forgiven?


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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #11  November 1,2009, 2:49pm
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You're an attorney, and you know how legal matters can be drawn out. He did make a mistake and lie to you, but his explanation seems plausible. And after 5 months, he's still thinking about you. What would it hurt to meet him ?

And if emotionally his marriage ended with the separation in 2006, legal or not, the marriage is nothing but a piece of paper after that. It's not his fault he was held hostage for three years by the legal system and a spouse who (for whatever reason) won't finish things.
Last edited by hazmat; November 1,2009 at 2:59pm.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #12  November 1,2009, 2:51pm
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While I can understand his side of things, he had two chances to tell you the truth up front. Before you communicated, and after you asked him point blank. Both times he hedged. I would tend to look at this kind of rationalization as manipulative and avoid someone who engaged in it.

I sympathize with the guy. Truly. We are sometimes bound in circumstances beyond our control. Still, to me it is a measure of good character not to draw others unwittingly into those circumstances.

It's a shame that he either didn't wait until his divorce was final to start dating or that he didn't disclose the whole story to you up front. You have to make your own choice on this. I would hesitate. When a marriage ends emotionally is not when a marriage ends.
 
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WYskywatcher is offline WYskywatcher Post #13  November 1,2009, 3:06pm
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I believe that he believed that "everything with his ex was final." Many people have already begun to sever the emotional ties with an ex long before the divorce proceedings are finalized. BUT until the divorce proceedings are finalized YOU ARE STILL MARRIED and THEREFORE, are NOT available to be in another relationship.

It takes a lot of time and energy to bring full closure (physical, emotional, and material) to a failed marriage. I believe the process of emotional closure can begin at the time of separation, but you cannot have complete closure until, at least, the legal proceedings are finished. (Some people are divorced for years and still do not have emotional closure.)

I would be less worried that he 'lied' about being divorced and more concerned that you would be a rebound relationship. Has he really had enough time to figure out what part he played in the failed marriage? or What to avoid the next time? or Is he just looking to be back in another relationship because it feels better than being alone?
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #14  November 1,2009, 3:22pm
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Honesty is huge with me. When someone lies to me, especially when I'm getting to know them, they aren't leaving me much to build any trust on because they've made me suspicious of them. Anyone has a certain amount of my trust right off the bat until they give me a reason to believe that they are undeserving of it. If they damage the trust I give them, it's unlikely they're going to get anywhere with me. I don't know that I could let this go.

As far as I'm concerned, a marriage isn't done till it's done. If a man is still legally married, I'm not interested in dating him, and I don't particularly like being deceived about it, either.

Regardless of how you personally feel about where a marriage ends, he had two chances to come clean about this, and yet he chose to lie about it. What else is he going to choose to lie about?

I also agree with the statement that was made pertaining to potentially being in a rebound relationship. It's a rotten, empty place to be when he decides that he isn't feeling lonely anymore and you've served your purpose.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #15  November 1,2009, 3:50pm
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After trying to get a divorce for three years, he's probably ready to move on with his life. If everyone had to wait three years to have another relationship just so it wasn't considered a rebound, there'd be a lot more lonely people out there.

If you like him, give him a chance. We're talking coffee here, not eloping to Vegas.
 
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alissag is offline alissag Post #16  November 1,2009, 4:04pm
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hazmat wrote :
You're an attorney, and you know how legal matters can be drawn out. He did make a mistake and lie to you, but his explanation seems plausible. And after 5 months, he's still thinking about you. What would it hurt to meet him ?

And if emotionally his marriage ended with the separation in 2006, legal or not, the marriage is nothing but a piece of paper after that. It's not his fault he was held hostage for three years by the legal system and a spouse who (for whatever reason) won't finish things.
More women need to see things from your perspective... Why do they seem so quick to judge?!
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #17  November 1,2009, 4:11pm
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alissag wrote :
More women need to see things from your perspective... Why do they seem so quick to judge?!
Been there, done that, got used, got hurt, learned to be a little more cautious.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #18  November 1,2009, 4:31pm
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He thought his lie was safe and that he'd get away with it so you know he wpi;d lie when it's in his best interest ... will he lie to you once he gets to know you better? Only time will tell ...

But that said, people do make mistakes. And I don't necessarily believe lying is always bad. It's good to lie when the Gestapo knocks on the door and asks if you have Anne Franke in the attic ...

I would proceed if you are interested in him, but with caution.
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #19  November 1,2009, 4:36pm
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hazmat wrote :
If you like him, give him a chance. We're talking coffee here, not eloping to Vegas.

A liar is a liar is a liar.


Legally married is married.


How many times does it need to be said
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #20  November 1,2009, 5:19pm
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6dle899 wrote :
A liar is a liar is a liar.


Legally married is married.


How many times does it need to be said

Duly noted.

I just don't feel life is so black and white. He didn't lie to cause harm, the guy just wants to get on with his life. I'm sure none of us has ever made a mistake and had to apologize for it. He must like her (or the idea of her) quite a bit to continue trying. What a waste not to at least give it a cup of coffee.
 
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