Holding out for love at first sight is ambitious when you're young and a sign of arrested development when you're middle aged


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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #81  December 7,2010, 8:04am
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scarlet13 wrote :
i've tried to see if chemistry builds. it doesn't. all it does is end up wasting both our time and usually creating hurt feelings- the guy assuming that additional dates meant i really liked him when i didn't really, or me trying to talk myelf into feeling something that wasn't there.

the immediate attraction guys have all ended in relatively long relationships- 3 years, 7 years, and now one year (though that one is a bit complicated at the moment)

I've learned my first instinct is always right.
Your approach seems reasonable to me, and the parts I bolded in particular are very real risks that can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and unnecessary stress.
Last edited by FaintestInkling; December 7,2010 at 6:08pm.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #82  December 7,2010, 8:25am
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scarlet13 wrote :
i've tried to see if chemistry builds. it doesn't. all it does is end up wasting both our time and usually creating hurt feelings- the guy assuming that additional dates meant i really liked him when i didn't really, or me trying to talk myelf into feeling something that wasn't there.

the immediate attraction guys have all ended in relatively long relationships- 3 years, 7 years, and now one year (though that one is a bit complicated at the moment)

I've learned my first instinct is always right.
Just curious...
Has there been any friends, coworkers, neighbors, or whatever that you didn't really notice at first, but, developed an attraction over time (no matter whether either of you ever pursued a relationship or not)?
 
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StPaulGirl is offline StPaulGirl Post #83  December 7,2010, 8:35am
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FaintestInkling wrote :
I knew that they did things that I wouldn't take if I was a woman (like always being late, or not observing birthdays, and that sort of thing), or had deal-breakers like "no direction" or "no ambition in life." Not that I think they were bad guys---obviously, they are/were my friends.

Now they're all in relationships, so I guess women are less picky than I think I would be if I was a woman?
Do us single people reform our unacceptable behaviors to get into a relationship? Or, do our partners beat them (the unacceptable behaviors) out of us?

I know that for me, it's been some of each over the years. Boyfriends have 'trained' me out of some of my crazy, and other crazy I've consciously left behind because it wasn't working for me.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #84  December 7,2010, 1:49pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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suzyblueeyes wrote :
And to the women, if you are serious about settling down, it is likely one of two things. Either you aren't putting yourself out there enough, or your crazy is too high. And the way you can raise your stock, is to bring the crazy down. It doesn't matter how unattractive you perceive yourself to be, if your crazy is at or below 1, you are going to look very appealing to a lot of men.
Thing is....probably almost nobody actually thinks they are high on 'crazy'. They always rationalize it in ways like 'Well, that's just the way I like things.'
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #85  December 7,2010, 2:12pm

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dmi wrote :
Just curious...
Has there been any friends, coworkers, neighbors, or whatever that you didn't really notice at first, but, developed an attraction over time (no matter whether either of you ever pursued a relationship or not)?
not that i can remember.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #86  December 7,2010, 3:28pm
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StPaulGirl wrote :
So - if we've always held out for that immediate attraction, and we've always had relationships that didn't last a lifetime (assuming that's what we were looking for) - does it make sense to continue holding out?
While I would not advocate for "holding out"...it should be recognized that some of us have had relationships (or even marriages) that "lasted a lifetime"...even when stumbled across in "middle age" and even when based on "love at first sight".

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