Holding out for love at first sight is ambitious when you're young and a sign of arrested development when you're middle aged


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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #11  November 1,2009, 12:38pm

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jayjay wrote :
You're funny....I've noticed before when you find a topic that seems to interest you that you let us know you're thinking about it and will get back with it. How cute is that.
And how cute is getting got??

***

Still thinking on my answer...I am with Meri but I would replace mind with heart for what I want to know to be attracted to someone.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #12  November 1,2009, 12:53pm
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meri75 wrote :
So. You're saying that you've never been attracted to a woman without meeting her? I mean, you felt zero attraction to her prior to the meeting?

I admit to having a problem some times liking an electronic persona … but that is not saying I’ve “been attracted.” That’s the issue: attraction starts (or doesn’t) after meeting, not before.

Attraction is independent from other criteria, not supplanting them.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #13  November 1,2009, 1:02pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I admit to having a problem some times liking an electronic persona … but that is not saying I’ve “been attracted.” That’s the issue: attraction starts (or doesn’t) after meeting, not before.

Attraction is independent from other criteria, not supplanting them.
And this is where it differs for me (and I suspect many women) attraction doesn't start with your physical appearance ... I also think this is why women are able to already have feelings of attraction to the man before meeting him. We are capable of being attracted to your brain - or heart - as LP states. If I did not find you witty, for example, I would have no interest in meeting you.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #14  November 1,2009, 1:17pm
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Well, sure.

But, would you date after finding that I am ... ummm ... green and covered in warts?
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #15  November 1,2009, 1:29pm

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D_Lion wrote :
A different question ...

You feel attraction in a longer time after meeting, or before meeting?
When meeting is defined as meeting in-person on a blind date or through an internet meeting - my answer is the same - I can't really feel attraction. I can be interested in someone but I am not really attracted to them more prior to meeting or after meeting. I don't like "meeting" men this way.

I like "meeting" men as people - just people, prior to the idea of dating. I like the candidness and genuineness of men being themselves and me being myself. I am not saying we are not genuine when we converse and meet with matches, just that there is a more authentic way of getting to know someone when they (or you or me) are not trying to impress - it is great when people are not trying anything...they just are themselves.

I have been telling men here that these boards are a great way of meeting women; but maybe I should take my own advice? Here you get to see people interact with others and other ideas/opinions, you can tell a lot about these exchanges not just the ideas/values behind their beliefs but the manner in which someone conducts themselves in delivering their beliefs or answering challenges to them.

I think one of the drawbacks is that you still have to balance the level of pre-attraction to meeting versus actually meeting in-person. It would be great if we could all just be hanging out in lounge having these discusssions but alas...that is not reality.

I never had the issue of being attracted to my matches prior to meeting. I also never had the issue of being attracted after I met matches either. I think I would risk being disappointed in person to meeting someone from here because at least I know they have half a chance to succeed in person...and that is better than any of my matches had.

I need to know somewhat of your personality before I can be attracted to you and I don't think meeting strangers to date is the best way to go about knowing a person. Plus, I am a total dork with dating. I would like to avoid it as much as possible!

Unfortunately, as I get older and my friends and my life gets more settled and routine, the less chance I have of meeting people out in real life. So the internet is an option. I kind of like this internet option better than eH proper.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #16  November 1,2009, 1:42pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Well, sure.

But, would you date after finding that I am ... ummm ... green and covered in warts?
That would depend upon what I feel toward you as a whole man. Not a physical man. For example, if we met and I found that you had quite the unkind streak toward people and animals - your ability to secure my attraction via your witty intelligence would evaporate.

On the flip side, I am able to hold relationships with men whom I have not immediately found physically attractive; yet the more I knew of him, his intelligence, his character etc, he became attractive.

I've lost count the number of times I've been in conversation with male friends re a beautiful woman and the men have idly commented they don't understand why she is with her man. Because he is worth his weight his weight in gold - but they don't see it.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #17  November 1,2009, 1:56pm
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LizziePooh wrote :
I like "meeting" men as people - just people, prior to the idea of dating. I like the candidness and genuineness of men being themselves and me being myself. I am not saying we are not genuine when we converse and meet with matches, just that there is a more authentic way of getting to know someone when they (or you or me) are not trying to impress - it is great when people are not trying anything...they just are themselves.
I agree 100%. Well, not with the part about meeting men, but with the rest of it. I find that when I am attacted to someone I know from a social setting - someone who I've seen just being herself - that looks and instant attraction are not the major factors.

But eH and online dating screws up that dynamic. E-communication is just no substitute for seeing someone operate in real life. Whether we emailed for 2 days or 3 months, the first interaction will have the pressure and oddness of a blind date. Looks become more important and every tic and nervous pause become magnified way beyond what they ought to be.

This is why I have always preferred activity-based first meetings. If we're both runners, I try to meet for a run. The face to face anxiety is less, you have all the good brain chemicals that come with exercise, and when I get all sweaty she won't assume it's due to her. And if we sit down for coffee afterward, we have the benefit of a shared experience to talk about instead of the usual job-interview conversation. It's not as good as talking to someone you already know from the community, but it's the next best thing.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #18  November 1,2009, 2:12pm

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I share the same fondness for activity-based meets for the same reason, Mel. I do think it is the next best thing, it gives you more a chance to see them really and less scripted.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #19  November 1,2009, 2:33pm

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D_Lion wrote :
Well, sure.

But, would you date after finding that I am ... ummm ... green and covered in warts?
Here is the thing online is sometimes similar to friendship. You can find out things without the burden of impressing. I have found when I go out with someone I already know I am more forgiving of small things that may have bothered me if the first time I meet them is for a date. Not sure if that makes sense.

So to pull this to your question if the first time I meet you I know nothing about you then I would be OMG he is green and has warts! While you are trying to be witty I am wondering if you are contagious. There is too much hearing and no listening.

So already knowing someone is a great guy and have a lot of interests it would be, hum warts. Actually someone who already knows me would know I would be blunt so, are you seeing a doctor for that??! Just kidding.

A better example would be my ex-boyfriend. We were friends for six months before we went out. I never thought I would find a bald man attractive. When we started dating it was like so what at least we will know who to blame for the hair in the shower. Ya know?
 
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melman is offline melman Post #20  November 1,2009, 2:39pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
While you are trying to be witty I am wondering if you are contagious.
Well I pretty much always worry about that, no matter what the circumstances are. But I'm pretty sure that's a topic for another thread.
 
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