Sherita1981 is offline Sherita1981 Post #1  November 1,2009, 7:54am
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Longs for Christmas break...

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Recently, a few of my friends told me I was too forgiving when it came to dating. So far, I've met and dated some reasonably nice guys, but who had some serious issues with space, jealousy, and control. One even told me he was afraid of me, and another whined and threw a hissy fit when I discussed the hope to go back to school for my final graduate degree.
They said -- my friends -- that I give too many chances to men who "show their crazy" pretty early on.
Now, I've never had a long-term relationship -- and I always think you should be patient with others when you are getting to know them. I pay attention, but I don't drop a man the first time he complains about the cost of something, or pouts because I needed to spend time with friends...but should I?
Should you stop dating a person the moment they show something a little undesirable about their personality?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  November 1,2009, 7:58am
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Well you're probably going to get better feedback from your friends who know you than from strangers here, but ...

Depends on how serious the crazy is. "Serious space, jealousy, control issues" are Big. The occasional pout or complaint is Small.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  November 1,2009, 8:12am
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There's a difference between forgiving and having healthy boundaries. I can forgive someone the most heinous of crimes, but I will limit the damage they can do in my life.

So, my question is, do these relationships do you damage in some way? If they do, then forgiveness is less likely the issue than developing healthy standards and sticking to them. If they don't, then your friends' assessments may be accurate, but irrelevant.

I will say that I did a lot of things in my younger years that I thought were not damaging that, in hindsight, perhaps left more dents and dings than I wanted to admit to at the time.

This is a question that your friends can't answer. It's a question that you have to reflect on and answer for yourself.

Good luck.

btw, a man who tells me he's afraid of me, intimidated by me, etc. might be a bad bet...I know it's going to be a power struggle. A man who pitches a fit over my choice to improve my life - automatic no. That level of control is not healthy.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; November 1,2009 at 8:14am.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  November 1,2009, 8:17am
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This sounds like weak guys – no wonder you’re having problems.

I just say “no.” My pay getting spent: my rules. Your pay: your rules.

Go with your friends when you feel so inclined.

Pick stronger guys.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #5  November 1,2009, 8:24am
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Sherita1981 wrote :
Should you stop dating a person the moment they show something a little undesirable about their personality?
A "little undesirable??...No.
I try to look for certain values in the other person, honesty, integrity, kindness and an ability to communicate being high on my list. For me that's solid foundation to build something together.
But, personality traits will very rarely be a deal breaker for me.
Usually if you're not secure enough in the relationship to say, "hey, that comment you made really bothered me...why did you say that?" it's probably a lack of communication.

If someone is not willing to either listen or try to improve communication, I say there's just not much of a future.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  November 1,2009, 8:43am
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Someone who has "serious issues with space, jealousy, and control" is not emotionally healthy. So choosing to not be involved with someone with these issues seems quite normal.

I believe that you should go out with ALMOST anyone at least once. But there is no reason to continue with someone who has serious problems of any kind. To do so would indicate that you have a need to be a "rescuer" which would indicate that you have issues that you need to work on. There are therapists so that you don't have to be a "rescuer" and there are therapists to help you work on your need to be a "rescuer".
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #7  November 1,2009, 9:42am

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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
There's a difference between forgiving and having healthy boundaries. I can forgive someone the most heinous of crimes, but I will limit the damage they can do in my life.

So, my question is, do these relationships do you damage in some way? If they do, then forgiveness is less likely the issue than developing healthy standards and sticking to them. If they don't, then your friends' assessments may be accurate, but irrelevant.

I will say that I did a lot of things in my younger years that I thought were not damaging that, in hindsight, perhaps left more dents and dings than I wanted to admit to at the time.

This is a question that your friends can't answer. It's a question that you have to reflect on and answer for yourself.

Good luck.

btw, a man who tells me he's afraid of me, intimidated by me, etc. might be a bad bet...I know it's going to be a power struggle. A man who pitches a fit over my choice to improve my life - automatic no. That level of control is not healthy.
Yes, I agree with LBMM. This was a great post.

***

I would add... ask yourself, do you have quality friends in your life? If you do, then ask why you don't pick quality guys? Maybe the answer is in that.
 
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Sherita1981 is offline Sherita1981 Post #8  November 1,2009, 10:46am
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Longs for Christmas break...

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Thanks all -- some thoughtful stuff here.
I certainly don't want to rescue or "cure" anyone; I have my own life to deal with! I have learned quite a bit, and even though there was some pain, it wasn't enough to damage me.
I like to hear what others have to say and evaluate/discuss, so thanks for responding!
I have great friends who really do love me, and seem to want the best for me. And, ultimately, I have learned to listen to myself.
So -- on the search now for stronger men!
 
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Bootsky is offline Bootsky Post #9  November 1,2009, 1:24pm
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Yes, I agree with you and I unfortunately have been told the same thing. That when I find out something about someone, I usually give them the benefit of the doubt and it usually bites me in the behind in the end. I don't think you should drop someone the first time you notice something unless it is something that cannot be changed. If it is a personality trait or something you find out that you can't live with, then I wouldn't bother. Otherwise, I usually give men a second chance to prove themselves if it is early on. We are only human right?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #10  November 1,2009, 1:35pm
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There's also a difference between character traits and personality traits. Character traits have to do with the bigger things in life: whether someone lies, cheats, is irresponsible, disrespectful, uncaring. Character traits are mental and ethical traits. They are objective and constant. They are traits that are generally recognized as right or wrong. These are not good to ignore.

Personality characteristics are things like your sense of humor, whether you're shy, if you're socially awkward, what you like and dislike. Personality traits are not right or wrong. They just are and some traits will be acceptable to someone while others are not.

If your friends are concerned that you are too accepting of negative character traits, that might be something to explore.
 
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