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writergal writergal is offline
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We communicated regularly via email and phone for a two week period, and had a great conversational rapport. Then we finally met for our first date over coffee. At the end of the date, when I told him I had a great time and would like to see him again, he responded that he wasn't physically attracted to me and wasn't interested in seeing me again. His lack of tact left me a little shell-shocked and disappointed.

On the date he disclosed that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend because he felt she was too sensitive to his sarcasm. He also said that he just bought a house, has been suffering with back problems, while also trying to expand his social circle outside of his work friends, because most of them are married or in a relationship. On top of that, his family lives on the east coast so he's without family where we live.

I really took his tactless comment personally about not being physically attracted to me, and for some reason I can't let that go. I know it was just one date. Does that mean the past two weeks we spent getting to know each other - building what I thought was real intimacy, was a mistake? Am I supposed to just rush into meeting an online match immediately after first contact? Is it wrong to try to get to know someone before you meet in person?

What should I have done differently? Should I be offended by his comment to me on the date? I don't blame him for not feeling physical chemistry with me. I've been on dates with men where I just didn't feel that spark of chemistry that makes you attracted to someone. But I'm just really disappointed that he would spend two weeks getting to know me then to reject me as soon as we meet. It felt a bit jarring.
- November 1st, 2009, 08:36 am
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melman melman is online now
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Was it a mistake? Only if you didn't learn anything from it.

Do you believe it's worth spending two weeks in email and phone, only for one of you to find out at first sight that there isn't any spark or physical attraction? Do you still believe you can get to "know" someone before you meet them? Or that it's worthwhile to try?

What happened to you has happened to all of us. Welcome to the club.

There is no tactful way to say "I don't want to go out again." He could just say that and leave you wondering. He could do it through email and you'd think he was gutless. He could poof. All the options are bad. You learn not to take it so personally, and you adjust your expectations in the future.
- November 1st, 2009, 08:45 am
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Sassafras54 Sassafras54 is offline
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Hi Writer!
I'm sorry that happened, it is a hard thing to take.

A problem in online dating is you're getting to know someone in the abstract first ... can't tell about chemistry till you meet, and by then you feel some connection. If you met at a party or wherever, and the spark wasn't there, you wouldn't develop that connection. So it is jarring.

Some people here prefer FastTrack, partly for this reason ... why mess around when it's not going to go anywhere? I like the GC, but mostly to just weed out people I don't want to meet...it's not a way to really get to know someone.
- November 1st, 2009, 08:45 am
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nightling nightling is offline
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writergal wrote :
We communicated regularly via email and phone for a two week period, and had a great conversational rapport. Then we finally met for our first date over coffee. At the end of the date, when I told him I had a great time and would like to see him again, he responded that he wasn't physically attracted to me and wasn't interested in seeing me again. His lack of tact left me a little shell-shocked and disappointed.

On the date he disclosed that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend because he felt she was too sensitive to his sarcasm. He also said that he just bought a house, has been suffering with back problems, while also trying to expand his social circle outside of his work friends, because most of them are married or in a relationship. On top of that, his family lives on the east coast so he's without family where we live.

I really took his tactless comment personally about not being physically attracted to me, and for some reason I can't let that go. I know it was just one date. Does that mean the past two weeks we spent getting to know each other - building what I thought was real intimacy, was a mistake? Am I supposed to just rush into meeting an online match immediately after first contact? Is it wrong to try to get to know someone before you meet in person?

What should I have done differently? Should I be offended by his comment to me on the date? I don't blame him for not feeling physical chemistry with me. I've been on dates with men where I just didn't feel that spark of chemistry that makes you attracted to someone. But I'm just really disappointed that he would spend two weeks getting to know me then to reject me as soon as we meet. It felt a bit jarring.
I'm just going to assume your pictures were an accurate reflection of you.

So first off, congratulations on dodging a bullet. Thankfully this self-centered tactless man wasn't interested in you. Thank your lucky stars he didn't turn on any charm to sweep you off your feet. You are free to seek someone better.

Secondly ... you clearly doubt your physical attractiveness or his comment would not bother you. Why do you doubt that you are physically attractive? What could you do to be more self-confident of yourself in this area so that you just laugh at the next creep who says something like that?

I recommend the book What not to wear by those British chicks. What are their names? Search it at Amazon, just don't get the American version. They are just not as spot-on as the British gals and a lot of their advice is frankly wrong. Those British girls' book will teach you very quickly how to make the most of whatever body shape you have, and believe me this can do AMAZING things for your self-confidence.

You should absolutely get to know people before you meet them as much as you can. But what do you mean by building intimacy? I think the get-to-know you phase ought to be aimed at discovering who they are and weeding out any unsuitable types before you get to a meeting.

Then again, that last is not my area of expertise ...

Good luck out there.
Last edited by nightling; November 1st, 2009 at 08:48 am.
- November 1st, 2009, 08:46 am
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nightling nightling is offline
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melman wrote :
Was it a mistake? Only if you didn't learn anything from it.

Do you believe it's worth spending two weeks in email and phone, only for one of you to find out at first sight that there isn't any spark or physical attraction? Do you still believe you can get to "know" someone before you meet them? Or that it's worthwhile to try?

What happened to you has happened to all of us. Welcome to the club.

There is no tactful way to say "I don't want to go out again." He could just say that and leave you wondering. He could do it through email and you'd think he was gutless. He could poof. All the options are bad. You learn not to take it so personally, and you adjust your expectations in the future.

I think a tactful way to handle it is to say, you are a really nice person, but I don't sense that I have the right chemistry with you. I do wish you luck finding the right person, though.
- November 1st, 2009, 08:53 am
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BikerBeagle BikerBeagle is offline
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writergal wrote :
I don't blame him for not feeling physical chemistry with me. I've been on dates with men where I just didn't feel that spark of chemistry that makes you attracted to someone.
...and, yet, you apparently do blame him for -leading you on?- for 2 weeks before stating simply that he wasn't feeling the "spark of chemistry"? ...interesting, and curious, how long did you communicate with the men who you met and didn't find any chemistry with?

You obviously felt some attraction to him ...he obviously didn't feel any for you - rejection bites, but why be 'offended' by it? Do you think that they guys you met and felt no attraction to were 'offended'? (Some of them probably were).

Granted, he may have been able to find a more tactful way to inform you ...the ol' email the next day - blah blah you are really nice blah blah had a fantastic time blah blah but don't feel any chemistry blah blah - but ...

Double standard, much?
- November 1st, 2009, 09:01 am
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CapnCrunch23 CapnCrunch23 is offline
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BikerBeagle wrote :
...and, yet, you apparently do blame him for -leading you on?- for 2 weeks before stating simply that he wasn't feeling the "spark of chemistry"? ...interesting, and curious, how long did you communicate with the men who you met and didn't find any chemistry with?

You obviously felt some attraction to him ...he obviously didn't feel any for you - rejection bites, but why be 'offended' by it? Do you think that they guys you met and felt no attraction to were 'offended'? (Some of them probably were).

Granted, he may have been able to find a more tactful way to inform you ...the ol' email the next day - blah blah you are really nice blah blah had a fantastic time blah blah but don't feel any chemistry blah blah - but ...

Double standard, much?
+1

But BB.. Can't we be friends!!
- November 1st, 2009, 09:13 am
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melman melman is online now
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nightling wrote :
I think a tactful way to handle it is to say, you are a really nice person, but I don't sense that I have the right chemistry with you. I do wish you luck finding the right person, though.
And what if he didn't think you were a really nice person? Not everyone is looking for a really nice person, you know. Or maybe there was something about your appearance or personality that made him want to turn and run, but he was polite and endured the meeting/date anyway.

You want to be told "it's not you, it's me". And that's not fair.
- November 1st, 2009, 09:14 am
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sasha979 sasha979 is offline
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I'm sorry that this happened to you. I can't believe he would say something like that. Someone like that is not worth it. I don't think you did anything wrong. He obviously has issues to deal with and I guess you were there to listen to his complaints.
Don't doubt yourself because of him. Time to find someone better. Good luck.
- November 1st, 2009, 09:16 am
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writergal writergal is offline
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wrote :
Double standard, much?
Yes, I'm sure some of the men I rejected (tactfully) felt offended that I wasn't attracted to them. But that's a normal reaction to be offended by someone you are attracted to, who rejects you. That's human nature. Of course I was offended that this guy wasn't attracted to me after our two weeks of communication.

I don't think being offended by rejection means I hold a double-standard with men I date.

And for me, I need to talk to my online matches on the phone before I agree to meet for a date. There have been a few situations where the guys said things on the phone that gave me clues a date in real life would be a mistake. One guy said he smoked pot to unwind on the weekends (which he left out of his profile!), and another guy complained about how his ex-wife was bilking him for everything he's got. Why would I meet these two in person after what they told me?

wrote :
Secondly ... you clearly doubt your physical attractiveness or his comment would not bother you. Why do you doubt that you are physically attractive? What could you do to be more self-confident of yourself in this area so that you just laugh at the next creep who says something like that?
Yes, I do doubt my physical attractiveness as a result of his comment. I'm insecure that I sometimes get facial acne still at my age (38). Plus I look young for my age, and that's something I can't fix. I doubt that I am physically attractive to men because so far, I've been rejected by all the men I've dated in the past six months who I met online. And so my self-confidence has taken a nose dive as a result especially seeing all of my friends successfully pair up with someone for long term. I feel left behind.
- November 1st, 2009, 09:21 am
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