If he wasn't interested, then why meet me in person?


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Chucho is offline Chucho Post #31  November 1,2009, 10:49am
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Just a recent experience FWIW. Had been seeing a former co-worker for some time, we had good rapport and went for coffee breaks every week or so, agendas allowing. At one point I suggested her " why not go for dinner?" to what she agreed on the spot and a keen "that sounds fabulous" reply. Dinner and drinks went as smooth as silk, great chat, discussing our inner issues and it was inevitable. Things got slightly heated-up at goodbye time, I thought it was nice, left it at that but became a bit concerned as I thought I was still not on the right spot for engaging her more formally.

Weekend past-by and sent her an e-mail Monday saying "hey, why don't we find some time to do something over the week?" (very relaxed, not pressing a bit, wanted to test the waters). My idea was to build-up things slowly, see where things could go, in the end I still think (despite how the story ended) she is a great person and I was lucky. OK, so shooted the message and got a reply saying that she was concerned about what happened, yada, yada, that she gave me the "wrong impression". Duh?

To make a long story short, because at some point we were seeing each other at casual meets and I was getting a tad uncomfy and with a sense of unclosed business, sent her a letter explaining what I thought about all. My concern was that I ticked the same "environmental pattern" box as a previous partner of her, where the relation ended completely tits-up. Had the letter screened by two good female friends, both separately agreed it was a very emotionally mature, well crafted and honest letter, setting things up black over white and that it showed "that I cared" (yet one of them said "what a lucky girl she is, I'd hope someone can send me a letter like this, but I have a bad feeling as to how she will manage it").

She was right. In the end she completely flew off the handle, in the most bizarre way. I think it was because it was so honest (and people many times don't like honesty, no matter how hard they preach for it) that it showed, eventually, her emotinal unbalance. I believe I was lucky, and I think that I subconsciously did it to see if what I was seeing was for real. Her reaction plainly showed she has unresolved issues. I'm sad about it, because she is a good person.

OK so the morale would be "you've been rejected in a nasty way, do you feel angry or that you did something wrong?" Answer is no, or well, maybe I should have not pressed some buttons, but what I did was what I thought was right and I'm unashamed about that. It was tough, as a great empathy broke completely apart, but you learn and move on.

There is that saying that goes "experience is like a comb a bald receives as a gift." In retrospective it was a big loss. Not the looks, but the individual. Maybe with time, if she comes back to it all she will understand things better. As for me, well, time is too short for tears and who knows, it might have been some lucky star that avoided me facing pain in the future.

Just my 2c.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #32  November 1,2009, 11:10am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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Sassafras54 wrote :
What Not to Wear by Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine.
I've avoided them because they seemed so ... snarky and kind of cruel
Yeah they are, but everyone who follows their advice looks better 'after' than they did 'before' so as a nation we tollerate them.

I had a similar experience with a man with whom I had a brilliant date. He'd made the initial contact and commented that in the flesh I looked like my pictures. So I figured he must be attracted to me or why bother? (which is your thinking too right?). Afterwards he wrote to me and said he thoroughly enjoyed my company but felt that there was "no spark". I was left confused by it till I came up with this ~ I think chemistry is vital but not always instant.

I'm prepared to hang around a little see if it develops (I'm a grown up) but some people aren't. I think holding out for love at first sight is ambitious when you're young and a sign of arrested development when you're middle aged. So if someone says there's no spark / attraction after one date then I know they wouldn't make me happy in the long run.
 
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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #33  November 1,2009, 11:27am
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Just me, not everyone - I feel that the e-mail correspondence is more than a one time exchange before I am interested in you, and the phone thing is usually more than a one shot deal before I'm going to fall head over heels, so it just naturally follows that I'm going to need to see you more than once to determine if there is any of that elusive 'chemistry' so highly sought after. I hear that lots of guys on these boards require photos before they will correspond, must meet quickly with a minimum of e-mail or phone stuff and from the first few seconds as they walk up to meet you face to face are already mentally turning around. Know what that all says to me? - Looking for the girl in my favorite spank mag. - Not interested in you as a person. - Not interested in getting to know you. - Only interested in whether or not the little guy is 'responding' before you even open your mouth (pun somewhat intented!). So these guys are still looking for someone and the guys that we don't hear responding in this way are likely out there dating real women (women that don't air brush themselves). I think they are the real finds, not the ones looking to just get something - but also looking to give something. Could it be some guys just don't have anything to give?
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #34  November 1,2009, 11:35am

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Ephemera wrote :
Just me, not everyone - I feel that the e-mail correspondence is more than a one time exchange before I am interested in you, and the phone thing is usually more than a one shot deal before I'm going to fall head over heels, so it just naturally follows that I'm going to need to see you more than once to determine if there is any of that elusive 'chemistry' so highly sought after. I hear that lots of guys on these boards require photos before they will correspond, must meet quickly with a minimum of e-mail or phone stuff and from the first few seconds as they walk up to meet you face to face are already mentally turning around. Know what that all says to me? - Looking for the girl in my favorite spank mag. - Not interested in you as a person. - Not interested in getting to know you. - Only interested in whether or not the little guy is 'responding' before you even open your mouth (pun somewhat intented!). So these guys are still looking for someone and the guys that we don't hear responding in this way are likely out there dating real women (women that don't air brush themselves). I think they are the real finds, not the ones looking to just get something - but also looking to give something. Could it be some guys just don't have anything to give?
Or they are just being guys?
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #35  November 1,2009, 5:47pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
I think it is a common stereotype that men are visual. I don't think it means what you are looking at so much as how you are looking at it. Kinda like the reason men more than women are drawn to porn. Still all this is broad strokes ya know. Me I don't know until I kiss someone. I am tactile. Lord that would really confuse an insecure person. But she kissed me and then said goodbye. I can't kiss!!!1!

Please OP I am not making fun of you, it was just an awful thought I just had. I am very blunt just not as blunt as your date.

A lot of the current research supports the notion that men are visual.

It also supports the notion that women know if a man has the right chemistry by kissing him.

It's certainly true for me a well, Jo.
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #36  November 1,2009, 6:17pm
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nightling wrote :
A lot of the current research supports the notion that men are visual.

It also supports the notion that women know if a man has the right chemistry by kissing him.

It's certainly true for me a well, Jo.
Whereas I can't even kiss a guy unless I feel enough chemistry
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #37  November 1,2009, 6:25pm
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trixie1868 wrote :
I had a similar experience with a man with whom I had a brilliant date. He'd made the initial contact and commented that in the flesh I looked like my pictures. So I figured he must be attracted to me or why bother? (which is your thinking too right?). Afterwards he wrote to me and said he thoroughly enjoyed my company but felt that there was "no spark".
I had first dates with some men who did look like their pictures and I did find their pictures attractive but I did not feel any spark when finally meeting them. I don't know if it's the voice, mannerism, the way they talk, the things they talk about, smile or no smile, the way they looked at me, etc.. So I can understand what your date meant. To me there is much more to "spark" than how one's flesh looks like. There are also men who do not seem that attractive in pictures but in person they are very charming so I was pleasantly surprised.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #38  November 1,2009, 6:30pm
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nightling wrote :
A lot of the current research supports the notion that men are visual.

Is this the same research which supports the notion that women are looking at his economic resources?
 
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melman is offline melman Post #39  November 1,2009, 6:35pm
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EMTZ wrote :
I had first dates with some men who did look like their pictures and I did find their pictures attractive but I did not feel any spark when finally meeting them. I don't know if it's the voice, mannerism, the way they talk, the things they talk about, smile or no smile, the way they looked at me, etc.
As I wrote in another thread, the dynamic of e-dating throws everything out of its normal balance. If you went on a date with someone you knew from (work, church, the gym, etc.) you probably would have checked out all the things you mentioned, and you could focus more on getting to know the person.

But with e-dating, all you've done is read email and look at pictures. So now at the first meeting, you have that extra work to do PLUS get to know the person and evaluate how you interact together. All the email in the world isn't going to help if you can't stand his/her tone of voice or posture or way he talks to the cashier at Starbucks. All of which can be almost immediate deal-breakers.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #40  November 1,2009, 6:47pm
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melman wrote :
As I wrote in another thread, the dynamic of e-dating throws everything out of its normal balance. If you went on a date with someone you knew from (work, church, the gym, etc.) you probably would have checked out all the things you mentioned, and you could focus more on getting to know the person.

But with e-dating, all you've done is read email and look at pictures. So now at the first meeting, you have that extra work to do PLUS get to know the person and evaluate how you interact together. All the email in the world isn't going to help if you can't stand his/her tone of voice or posture or way he talks to the cashier at Starbucks. All of which can be almost immediate deal-breakers.
or if they smell like tacos with extra onions.
 
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