If he wasn't interested, then why meet me in person?


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nightling is offline nightling Post #21  November 1,2009, 7:51am
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melman wrote :
No, we don't agree on this. Not at all.

For every thread you can find where someone was dumped with honesty but preferred tact, I can find a thread exactly opposite.

We just had several long threads where people desperately wanted eH's match closing process to allow for write in answers, because they claimed to want the advice. (From people they never met and never even communicated with.)

Face the facts, unless you tell your match in advance how you would like to be dumped, you're probably going to get dumped in a way you don't like. That's life.
That "we" didn't include you, just me and the OP.
Last edited by nightling; November 1,2009 at 7:59am. Reason: I don't know he was tactless . If he was ... why let that be skin off her nose? It's important she understand the answer.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #22  November 1,2009, 7:54am
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writergal wrote :
And for me, I need to talk to my online matches on the phone before I agree to meet for a date. There have been a few situations where the guys said things on the phone that gave me clues a date in real life would be a mistake. One guy said he smoked pot to unwind on the weekends (which he left out of his profile!), and another guy complained about how his ex-wife was bilking him for everything he's got. Why would I meet these two in person after what they told me?
Because it saves time. A 30-minute coffee date vs. 2 weeks of emailing and phone calling and fantasizing.
Because it's good practice, if you need the practice.
Because it keeps your expectations more modest.

wrote :
Yes, I do doubt my physical attractiveness as a result of his comment.
And that's not his problem. I am sure that if he simply said "good luck, and good bye" that you'd be stewing over the same issues. You already have these insecurities and self-confidence problems; they didn't suddenly get worse because of his comment.

wrote :
I doubt that I am physically attractive to men because so far, I've been rejected by all the men I've dated in the past six months who I met online. And so my self-confidence has taken a nose dive as a result especially seeing all of my friends successfully pair up with someone for long term. I feel left behind.
And there's the core issue.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #23  November 1,2009, 7:54am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
What Not to Wear by Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine.

I've added it to my amazon list of stuff to get when free shipping kicks in.

I've avoided them because they seemed so ... snarky and kind of cruel, but I am a terrible dresser (well more interested in "cheap" and "comfortable") and think this is a good idea for me. Thanks!
You are quite welcome susannah. I agree their bedside manner isn't the best! But they are honest and, as Melman pointed out, that can be quite helpful if you can take it.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #24  November 1,2009, 7:54am
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writergal others have said this but I will say it too.

First it is impossible to judge "chemistry" electronically. Not until you have actually met in person can you determine if there is "chemistry". Therefore I recommend meeting sooner than later, in one to two weeks.

You also cannot build intimacy electronically. You build intimacy in person and while you may feel a rapport or fell comfortable with a person in a short amount of time you should not be feeling intimate with them until you have spent a good deal of time getting to know them. It does not happen instantly.

The ever present requirement of "chemistry" and / or attractiveness can only be judged in person and it is a two way street. And as they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. For the attraction to work you have to be attracted to your match and he to you. I will not address his tact or lack thereof as we only know what you say that he said. I have no way of knowing what he said or how he said it. But he was honest with you and told you that he was not interested in continuing on with building a relationship with you. Apparently you would have preferred that he end the date by telling you that he would like to see you again and then not contacting you again or not returning your e-mails or calls. That would have given you the opportunity to come here and post about how he had poofed on you.

I must say that from your posts in this thread, you either have a complete lack of understand of how dating works, unrealistic expectations for dating or you are a "princess".
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #25  November 1,2009, 7:58am
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writergal wrote :
Does that mean the past two weeks we spent getting to know each other - building what I thought was real intimacy, was a mistake? Am I supposed to just rush into meeting an online match immediately after first contact? Is it wrong to try to get to know someone before you meet in person?

What should I have done differently? Should I be offended by his comment to me on the date? I don't blame him for not feeling physical chemistry with me. I've been on dates with men where I just didn't feel that spark of chemistry that makes you attracted to someone. But I'm just really disappointed that he would spend two weeks getting to know me then to reject me as soon as we meet. It felt a bit jarring.
Hi writergal,

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's happened to all of us at one point or another. Truth be told, I'm one of those people who would prefer to hear the honest, brutal truth than to hear some canned excuse, or worse, a lie, about why a guy would prefer to not see me again. I don't like to wonder.

Regarding a two week exchange and developing intimacy, while you may have felt that happened, you didn't develop the actual chemistry that is needed to move forward with a relationship. I think he was interested in meeting you and seeing if anything could have developed, which is what I think the purpose of that first meeting is. While I agree with other posters that he could have been much more tactful in his response to you, he probably wasn't feeling that chemistry. He would have definitely been able to see what you looked like ahead of time if you exchanged recent pictures with one another (physical attraction), so I'm thinking this may not be what he actually meant to say.

Try not to immediately jump to the conclusion that you did anything wrong or that you need to do anything differently just because the two of you aren't moving forward with a second date. Also, try to remember that all this means is that you are not a good match for him and not that you are not a good match for anyone. It's hard to truly get to know a person over email, because you can't see the other person's reactions and body language, and really, they can be whoever they wish to be. Don't take his comment as anything more than the words they are, and don't let his comment discourage you from trying again. It happens to all of us, and it's happened to me more times than I can count! Just keep getting out there and realize it's not a rejection of you, but a rejection of the match the two of you would be together.

Best wishes to you!
Last edited by brneyedangel; November 1,2009 at 8:00am.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #26  November 1,2009, 8:37am

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Hey Writergal,

I don't think you need to do anything differently. How you guys progressed is probably the norm for most of us. Maybe some would meet a little sooner or a little later but it is pretty close to the normal progression.

I don't think you should be offended by what he said. He told you the truth; he was not trying to be cruel - just honest. It was not what you would have liked to hear so yes, you can feel disappointed that it worked out this way but he has no responsibility for that - it just is what it is.

I think there is some time needed in communication prior to meeting, yes - to weed out the undesirables but more importantly, to develop some sort of rapport so it does not feel like meeting a total stranger. It is a fine line though - you need to develop a rapport so it is not a stranger but you need to not get attached to the person without meeting.

I think for most guys, they just go along with the communication because it is a means to the goal. For them, they will NOT be attached until they see you in person because they need to see you to know if they will be attracted to you.

So Melman and some other guys will say meet earlier. And that is true in a sense...I just think somehow we have to balance meeting earlier enough with not meeting a total stranger when we do meet. I know I personally need an idea of the person before I can be attracted to a man. It is for his benefit, as well as mine, that I get some idea of him as a man before meeting.

Sorry it worked out that way for you. Hang in there - we have all been there and been on the other end too.

PS: Proactive - Not sure if you have tried this product but I would highly recommend it.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #27  November 1,2009, 9:06am
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LizziePooh wrote :
...
I think for most guys, they just go along with the communication because it is a means to the goal. For them, they will NOT be attached until they see you in person because they need to see you to know if they will be attracted to you.
...
The implication of this statement is that women are not visual. I certainly have to take exception to that concept!
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #28  November 1,2009, 9:11am

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
The implication of this statement is that women are not visual. I certainly have to take exception to that concept!
Go ahead...it is a generalization. There are always exceptions.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #29  November 1,2009, 9:15am

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
The implication of this statement is that women are not visual. I certainly have to take exception to that concept!
I think it is a common stereotype that men are visual. I don't think it means what you are looking at so much as how you are looking at it. Kinda like the reason men more than women are drawn to porn. Still all this is broad strokes ya know. Me I don't know until I kiss someone. I am tactile. Lord that would really confuse an insecure person. But she kissed me and then said goodbye. I can't kiss!!!1!

Please OP I am not making fun of you, it was just an awful thought I just had. I am very blunt just not as blunt as your date.
 
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hogrally is offline hogrally Post #30  November 1,2009, 9:34am
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writergal wrote :
That's based on the individual. For me, I tend to be very sensitive to criticism. The more tact someone uses with me, the more likely I am to listen. This guy's tactless approach was not helpful because his bluntness hurt my feelings.
A couple things I would like to add
Maybe this guys has tried to let women down gently and they held on to a ray of hope that he would change his mind. Secondly, maybe you like his old girlfriend was too sensitive to his sarcasm.
 
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