If he wasn't interested, then why meet me in person?


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nightling is offline nightling Post #11  November 1,2009, 8:25am
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melman wrote :
And what if he didn't think you were a really nice person? Not everyone is looking for a really nice person, you know. Or maybe there was something about your appearance or personality that made him want to turn and run, but he was polite and endured the meeting/date anyway.

You want to be told "it's not you, it's me". And that's not fair.
My statement wasn't a reflection of what I personally want. I am just saying there is a tactful way to say it if tact is desired.

I am not sure I'd be offended by brutal honesty. I tend to appreciate it, actually. Criticism does not have to be offered with a great bedside manner to be helpful.
 
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writergal is offline writergal Post #12  November 1,2009, 8:27am
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You want to be told "it's not you, it's me". And that's not fair.
No, I don't. That's ridiculous. I would prefer he used more tact with me, because being blunt hurt my feelings.

I can understand not knowing if you're really attracted to someone until you meet in person. I am not debating that fact. It makes perfect sense.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #13  November 1,2009, 8:27am
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Melman got it just right. BikerBeagle too.

Facts are facts. I so despise liars and “poofers.” Here is an honest person, and you don’t like that?! What are the alternatives?

Personally, I would have said “no” without offering a reason (usually the reason is known anyway), though I am honest when asked (which is rare.)

Two weeks (or 200 years) of online communication do not intimacy make. It is okay to screen your matches for compatibility (and more before spending money), but I do not agree with unnecessary delay – it leads to exactly this problem: one party feeling (inappropriate) intimacy, while the other party is still waiting for the first meeting to begin the “getting to know you” process.

You did fine, but I do not think you should take it personally.
 
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writergal is offline writergal Post #14  November 1,2009, 8:30am
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wrote :
Criticism does not have to be offered with a great bedside manner to be helpful
That's based on the individual. For me, I tend to be very sensitive to criticism. The more tact someone uses with me, the more likely I am to listen. This guy's tactless approach was not helpful because his bluntness hurt my feelings.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #15  November 1,2009, 8:30am
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writergal wrote :
Of course I was offended that this guy wasn't attracted to me after our two weeks of communication.

Pardon me?

Attraction is a visual assessment.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #16  November 1,2009, 8:33am
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writergal wrote :
Yes, I'm sure some of the men I rejected (tactfully) felt offended that I wasn't attracted to them. But that's a normal reaction to be offended by someone you are attracted to, who rejects you. That's human nature. Of course I was offended that this guy wasn't attracted to me after our two weeks of communication.

I don't think being offended by rejection means I hold a double-standard with men I date.

And for me, I need to talk to my online matches on the phone before I agree to meet for a date. There have been a few situations where the guys said things on the phone that gave me clues a date in real life would be a mistake. One guy said he smoked pot to unwind on the weekends (which he left out of his profile!), and another guy complained about how his ex-wife was bilking him for everything he's got. Why would I meet these two in person after what they told me?



Yes, I do doubt my physical attractiveness as a result of his comment. I'm insecure that I sometimes get facial acne still at my age (38). Plus I look young for my age, and that's something I can't fix. I doubt that I am physically attractive to men because so far, I've been rejected by all the men I've dated in the past six months who I met online. And so my self-confidence has taken a nose dive as a result especially seeing all of my friends successfully pair up with someone for long term. I feel left behind.

Try out the book I mentioned. It will help you tremendously.

Secondly, as to the acne, I too am plagued with it at times. Isn't it mind boggling that after all the modern advances we've made we can't seem to lick this seemingly simple malady? Try some retin-A. The research says that's the latest and greatest remedy, and I have had some success with it anecdotally. You MUST wear sunscreen if you use this product. Alternately, see a dermatologist. He can make recommendations specific to your situation.

Looking young is an advantage to you. Many men prefer women who look young.

I am going to recommend another book for you. It's called the The Creative Journal: The Art of Finding Yourself by Lucia Capacchione. Fantastic book. There are a lot of self reflection exercises in there which are beneficial, but of particular use to you are ones to help you see yourself positively and help boost your self-confidence.

I wish you well. Good luck out there.
Last edited by nightling; November 2,2009 at 7:24am. Reason: Got the title of the book wrong
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #17  November 1,2009, 8:37am

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writergal wrote :
Yes, I do doubt my physical attractiveness as a result of his comment. I'm insecure that I sometimes get facial acne still at my age (38). Plus I look young for my age, and that's something I can't fix. I doubt that I am physically attractive to men because so far, I've been rejected by all the men I've dated in the past six months who I met online. And so my self-confidence has taken a nose dive as a result especially seeing all of my friends successfully pair up with someone for long term. I feel left behind.
I don't know if it will help for me to tell you this but your physical appearance is reflected in your pictures. None of this should be taken as an affront to your appearance. What cannot be determined is that spark and that and only that was what was lacking. Yeah he could have worded things better but in the end he just didn't feel it.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #18  November 1,2009, 8:40am
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writergal wrote :
That's based on the individual. For me, I tend to be very sensitive to criticism. The more tact someone uses with me, the more likely I am to listen. This guy's tactless approach was not helpful because his bluntness hurt my feelings.
We agree he was tactless. But why is that skin off your nose? That's his problem ... not yours. At best, he deserves pity that he's that lacking in social grace.

Honest feedback is hard to come by. I would personally take whatever useful information he gave me and put it to good use in spite of him and be glad he didn't fancy me. He'd have turned on the charm and I'd have wasted weeks or even months before figuring out the deception.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #19  November 1,2009, 8:47am
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nightling wrote :
We agree he was tactless. But why is that skin off your nose? That's his problem ... not yours. At best, he deserves pity that he's that lacking in social grace.
No, we don't agree on this. Not at all.

For every thread you can find where someone was dumped with honesty but preferred tact, I can find a thread exactly opposite.

We just had several long threads where people desperately wanted eH's match closing process to allow for write in answers, because they claimed to want the advice. (From people they never met and never even communicated with.)

Face the facts, unless you tell your match in advance how you would like to be dumped, you're probably going to get dumped in a way you don't like. That's life.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #20  November 1,2009, 8:50am
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What Not to Wear by Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine.

I've added it to my amazon list of stuff to get when free shipping kicks in.

I've avoided them because they seemed so ... snarky and kind of cruel, but I am a terrible dresser (well more interested in "cheap" and "comfortable") and think this is a good idea for me. Thanks!
 
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