How/when do I approach the topic of my first marriage?


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Orangepeel is offline Orangepeel Post #1  October 28,2009, 1:39pm
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Without getting into the gory details, my first marriage lasted for 8 years and I have two beautiful daughters from it. In early '06, I was laid off, and being the sole bread-winner, things got tough really fast. Instead of getting a job, my ex chose to file for divorce and took the girls to live overseas. It took me over 2 years to recover enough (emotionally and financially) to start dating again.

Early on, I made the REALLY bad mistake of talking about my divorce even in passing on the first date... what was I thinking!? All of a sudden that's what defined me. Not my education, not my hobbies, interests, nor my career, but it was my divorce that they wanted to talk about.

To this day, whenever I mention the divorce or the girls, I can pretty much guarantee the end of that relationship. I've never gone to the 3rd date before feeling that I should disclose it rather than blind-side her with it if things got serious.

All my life, honesty was (usually) the best policy but this is getting ridiculous, not to mention disheartening. It's a double-whammy. Not only does my ex leave me (not the other way around) and takes the kids, but I get stigmatized for not fighting harder to make it work. Believe me, I fought tooth and nail to save it!

What do I do? When do I mention the D-word or the girls??? Like it or not, I don't know how or if the subject can be addressed delicately.
I have to eventually mention my first family because that's not something that I think can or should remain a secret, and if I meet someone special, I believe she deserves to know.

In short: When and How?!
Last edited by Orangepeel; October 28,2009 at 7:29pm. Reason: spelling/grammar
 
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Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #2  October 28,2009, 1:55pm
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I waited until my date brought up the topic. I did, however, mention my ex and his family whenever I had to, in the manner as if I was talking about some friends that I've know for years. I want to make it obvious to my date that I am comfortable talking about my previous marriage. So my date would know he can approach that issue whenever he wanted to. In my case, it took my date over a month to toss that question.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  October 28,2009, 1:55pm
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I suppose the dating site you are using does not contain a field for single / divorced?

You could disclose in your profile text this fact - and I am in favor of single parents having some data about the significance of the children's place in their life (living with them or not, minor vs. adult children, etc.)

As I see it, if the website has a field for "has children," and you are choosing yes, that fact alone is sufficient to prompt your matches to ask whatever questions concern them.

I do not think it is your burden to volunteer the information - especially if she has not introduced a conversation about prior partners. You could consider waiting until that point, or after becoming exclusive, whichever is sooner.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  October 28,2009, 2:05pm
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While on EH your status is not shown (annoying) on other dating sites it is, so your matches should already know whether you are never married or divorced.

As to when to mention it - within the first couple of dates. Personally I ask and get asked that question the first time I meet someone and there is nothing wrong with that.

As to your divorce becoming what defines you and the core subject.....well.....it's because even reading your post you are not over it and there is some serious baggage attached that yes, any woman with even half a brain cell would sense and want to investigate further before wanting to see you again. What makes me say this? The simple fact alone that you felt the need to disclose details of your divorce and what your ex did to you, etc. This is all too much information. If you need to talk about your past, do it with your therapist. If you are out on a date, a simple neutral "I'm divorced" should suffice. If someone asks what happened, "We had some issues and incompatabilities" should suffice. Later on you can get into exact details as you are getting more comfortable and getting to know each other better. Even about your kids - "I have two kids, I love them very much, they are living full time with their mother." End of discussion for the first date.
 
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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #5  October 28,2009, 2:16pm
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It never bothers me is a guy has been divorced - how'm I gonna date him if he's still married? But it is a concern of mine if he has not made an effort to be a part of his children's lives. And if he is not making sure that his children want for none of the necessities of life within his income potential. If he's gonna be a whining all the time about how his ex did this to him and how his ex did that to him then she's the invisible chaperone on the date and I've never liked to be chaperoned! And even though your children are overseas, you still have rights and you can fight for your rights. Is it expensive? Yes. Is it frustrating and time consuming? Yes. Are they worth that much to you? That's the sort of thing I look into in regards to divorced men with kids, that and how much his kids are into him - how much they love him and want to be around him. Tells a lot about a man.
 
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Diann1950 is offline Diann1950 Post #6  October 28,2009, 2:45pm
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I feel a little in the same situation. Though I am a widow, my marriage was far from something I want to repeat. There were significant issues that were never resolved except by the death of my husband. We were both a fault for that, and I was angry at him for a long time, and angry with myself for letting things get that way. I have learned a lot about myself and know there are some mistakes I won't make again and situations I won't get into either. But I don't want to trash him any more than I want sympathy, I still want my new interest to know he doesn't have to worry about any competition from the past.
 
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Gumbee is offline Gumbee Post #7  October 28,2009, 2:50pm
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I was just wondering if it's not the telling that you're divorced as much as the way you're telling? Just a thought. If you're still bitter, that may be what your dates are hearing. Being divorced & having kids seems a really strange deal breaker especially these days. I mean- who isn't divorced and doesn't have kids?
 
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melman is offline melman Post #8  October 28,2009, 3:06pm
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Gumbee wrote :
Being divorced & having kids seems a really strange deal breaker especially these days. I mean- who isn't divorced and doesn't have kids?
Plenty of us.

I expect to know about any prior marital status and children before any date/meeting. It is just too fundamental a part of who a person is.
 
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Gumbee is offline Gumbee Post #9  October 28,2009, 3:15pm
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melman wrote :
Plenty of us.

I expect to know about any prior marital status and children before any date/meeting. It is just too fundamental a part of who a person is.
I'm not suggesting withholding the truth - I agree it needs to be out in the open. I'm merely surprised, given the time we live in, that anyone would be surprised to learn this information.

Where I would be personally put off would be finding out a potential partner isn't actually divorced, but only separated from his spouse. That is a complete deal breaker for me.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  October 28,2009, 3:25pm
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Gumbee wrote :
I'm merely surprised, given the time we live in, that anyone would be surprised to learn this information.

This describes me, too.

I think what you're missing is taking national data about the portion of the population which is divorced, has children, etc, and assuming this applies to your demographic.

If I am looking for well-educated, professional, aspirational people, finding never-married, no-children women is not that hard.
 
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