those are really good questions mangosteen....and I can relate.

I think I have been the whole spectrum from overly idealistic to extremely negative in the beginning.

I've been called on both...

Naturally, over time I think it becomes natural to become more gun shy and negative, slower to trust and believe.

And it serves you very well, in most cases, but can also make you very much alone.

At some point you have to trust your instincts, and your judgement about who you are seeing, and maybe intentionally inject a bit of idealism if negativity is a problem for you (or the opposite if you are too idealistic).

It seems to me, that...most important is to find someone that matches or understands your level of both. Oddly enough, I'm finding that a willingness to communicate, no matter how awkward or messy is probably the best thing...but both people must be willing to do so.

As for relationships in general though, I feel I am pretty realistic about them and have a lower tolerance for those who are only romantic and throw caution to the wind. I try to avoid people that expect there will be no 'work' involved.

As for how much 'work' is neccessary. Well, I seem to be attracted to people who are very different from me. So, I'd say a lot! As long as, at the root there is a genuine desire to understand the other person and 'like' and not so much, competition or lack of respect. You should (as realistically as possible) see each other as equals.

All of which at times seems decidedly impossible so I wouldn't take any of the breakups too personally!

But, it has made me more willing to accept some of the things I might not normally 'want' for things I know I need. It's a 'weighted model' some traits are more important than others. I'm willing to put up with some undesirables for positives that I can't find in anyone else.

Lots of trial and error to find out what these things actually ARE.