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reenz reenz is offline
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Let's say you are obese and express interest in a friend who you have a great connection with (and think would be perfect as a life partner). Despite your fantastic connection, that person doesn't feel the same, simply because he isn't attracted to obesity (as he is very fit)... although he thought your younger slimmer pictures were quite attractive. You take your wounded heart and move on, feeling crushed that someone you considered your equal sees you as 'inferior' in some way. Years later, after you work on yourself and start losing the weight, the person who rejected you starts to show you greater interest. How would you feel? Resentful? Flattered? Would it be understandable to think that someone who didn't want you when you struggled with your weight doesn't deserve to be with you when you are thin?

Just wondering what people think. Although I still have a good deal of weight to lose, I have seen men from my past contacting me after seeing slimmer pictures of me, and I wonder what to make of it. It's flattering, but somewhat saddening at the same time.
- October 27th, 2009, 12:01 pm
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PY_2 PY_2 is offline
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reenz wrote :
Let's say you are obese and express interest in a friend who you have a great connection with (and think would be perfect as a life partner). Despite your fantastic connection, that person doesn't feel the same, simply because he isn't attracted to obesity (as he is very fit)... although he thought your younger slimmer pictures were quite attractive. You take your wounded heart and move on, feeling crushed that someone you considered your equal sees you as 'inferior' in some way. Years later, after you work on yourself and start losing the weight, the person who rejected you starts to show you greater interest. How would you feel? Resentful? Flattered? Would it be understandable to think that someone who didn't want you when you struggled with your weight doesn't deserve to be with you when you are thin?

Just wondering what people think. Although I still have a good deal of weight to lose, I have seen men from my past contacting me after seeing slimmer pictures of me, and I wonder what to make of it. It's flattering, but somewhat saddening at the same time.
I think these same people would be the ones who would leave you once (or if) you gain the weight back.

Kinda like if I were to win the next Powerball, and suddenly people in the past contacted me (especially long lost friends, families, etc)...the emails would go straight to the trash can.
- October 27th, 2009, 12:23 pm
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jayjay jayjay is online now
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I take it you mean that it's flattering that these men are now paying attention to and interested in you. And saddening because you'd like to think that men would be interested in you for 'you'...regardless of how you look. 'Saddening' or not I think the reality is that for many, many men physical appearance is an important part of whether we're attracted to a woman or not. Even potentially to the point that losing/gaining a substantial amount of weight as you describe could be the difference between being interested or not. Even for someone such as myself....I'd actually prefer if physical appearance didn't mean as much to me as it does (it could make my life a lot easier). However...the reality is that this plays a large role for me even on an unconscious or emotional level.

As to whether you want to be with one of these guys who is only now showing interest in you as they may not 'deserve' to be with you...keep in mind you also won't know if a new guy you meet 'deserves' to be with you. The only way to know that would be to stay at your heavier weight, find a man who likes you in the condition, and then lose weight afterward if you want to.
- October 27th, 2009, 12:33 pm
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nightling nightling is online now
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I wouldn't hold it against them reenz.

Fairly or not, I think a lot of us in both genders do feel physical health is somewhat a matter of taking care of yourself. First impressions matter a great deal in the dating world. You've created a better first impression, and once people get to know you I'm sure they will judge you on less superficial things.

FWIW I do think most guys are hard-wired to be visual. A lot of the latest research on the subject supports that notion.
- October 27th, 2009, 12:48 pm
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Mokkesofie Mokkesofie is online now
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I like big guys but would I date one that is very overweight or obese? No, I wouldn't. I would take it that he doesn't care about his health.
- October 27th, 2009, 02:19 pm
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jayjay wrote :
I'd actually prefer if physical appearance didn't mean as much to me as it does (it could make my life a lot easier). However...the reality is that this plays a large role for me even on an unconscious or emotional level.

As to whether you want to be with one of these guys who is only now showing interest in you as they may not 'deserve' to be with you...keep in mind you also won't know if a new guy you meet 'deserves' to be with you. The only way to know that would be to stay at your heavier weight, find a man who likes you in the condition, and then lose weight afterward if you want to.
I'd prefer it as well, but it does. That goes both ways and there isn't very much we can do about it.

I'm a big dude and my weight has fluctuated quite a bit. I'm probably 35 pounds lighter than my heaviest. When I lose 10 more pounds I'll be at a weight where my size isn't an issue with most women and 20 more pounds and I'll be in really good shape. I'll never be a 'skinny' guy and will never attract women who are into that, but I'm ok with it.

I completely recognize that I attract different women when I'm in better shape. Would some of the women I attract when I'm in good shape not be attracted to me when I'm heavier? Probably. Do I care about that? Not really. It's their business to be attracted to who they want to be and it's my responsibility to be in the best shape I can, if those are the women I want to attract.
- October 27th, 2009, 03:20 pm
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Harvey7 Harvey7 is offline
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reenz wrote :
Let's say you are obese and express interest in a friend who you have a great connection with (and think would be perfect as a life partner). Despite your fantastic connection, that person doesn't feel the same, simply because he isn't attracted to obesity (as he is very fit)... although he thought your younger slimmer pictures were quite attractive. You take your wounded heart and move on, feeling crushed that someone you considered your equal sees you as 'inferior' in some way. Years later, after you work on yourself and start losing the weight, the person who rejected you starts to show you greater interest. How would you feel? Resentful? Flattered? Would it be understandable to think that someone who didn't want you when you struggled with your weight doesn't deserve to be with you when you are thin?

Just wondering what people think. Although I still have a good deal of weight to lose, I have seen men from my past contacting me after seeing slimmer pictures of me, and I wonder what to make of it. It's flattering, but somewhat saddening at the same time.
My Dear Reenz,

Attitude, Attitude, Attitude is the name of the game!
You still perceive yourself as a fat lady. You have to get a new mental image of your body in your minds eye/view of you. Maybe a hypnotherapist or a psychotherapist for self image.

Rubinesqus women in general are very lustful in nature and when whey can't get sex they settle for food. Sex is what you need and lots of it! (Don't forget to practice safe sex.)

Harvey7.
- October 27th, 2009, 04:06 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is online now
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Here I was all set to say "good advice so far; everyone is right." Until Harvey7.

I call what you're experiencing "reality." Better appearance = better partners, more partners, more job offers, better pay, and on and on and on ...

Best to face reality - it's easier and more productive than fighting it.
- October 27th, 2009, 04:12 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is online now
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And to the question (though the male corralary is more often income), I've been rejected and then considered by the same women - on the same website! - simply for changing my occupation field.

I might discard these people if I was swamped with options, but kept them at the time, as I had not too many alternatives.
- October 27th, 2009, 04:14 pm
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bwr bwr is offline
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Mokkesofie wrote :
I like big guys but would I date one that is very overweight or obese? No, I wouldn't. I would take it that he doesn't care about his health.
I am obese, but I definitely care about my health. Its just that the weight is coming off slowly. I work 60+ hours a week so I cant spend hours in the gym - I can only do moderate exercise. But I eat very healthy, dont drink, and dont smoke. I never have smoked and I only drank moderately in my life.

I was once a very fit athlete. I just had one bad 2 year period in my life where I gained a lot of weight a few years ago - my metabolism hit the wall and it took me some time to adjust to it. I have it totally under control now, but my weight loss is just a little slower. Also, I am in a good rythem and dont want to yo-yo, so I am fine with the progress I am making.

So please dont assume all obese people dont take care of their health. I eat healthier than most people, including fit people. Its just that the weight isnt going to come off overnight, and I am more concerned about lifetime health than some fad diet.
- October 27th, 2009, 04:21 pm
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