wiccangirl is offline wiccangirl Post #1  October 23,2009, 5:54pm
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I was matched with a guy back in March. We emailed each other extensively before the first date and got to know each other fairly well. The first date went well and ended with a very nice kiss, as did the second one. The problem I have is that there was a month between those two dates, and then another month between the second date and our third that is coming up next weekend. He is a hard worker and has three jobs, so I excused the time between dates as a hazard to finally finding a guy with a job. The emails have been fairly regular (about twice a week or more) and have helped us learn a lot about each other.

Recently we have "upped the ante" with text messages in place of e-mails and some of those have been extremely suggestive (on both of our parts) as to what might happen on this third date. I am looking forward to seeing him and to possibly taking things to the next level, but what concerns me is that I really want a closer relationship. I don't think he was just looking to get laid from the beginning because he was the perfect gentleman and did not try anything more than a kiss at the end of our two previous dates - but what do I know? Throw in the factor that it has been two years since my last relationship and he says that it has been three for him - it makes me wonder if we are both just being too cautious because we have both been hurt by our last "loves".

What I am asking for is opinions on whether or not I am wasting time and emotion on someone who will never get as close as I want him to. I don't expect to see him daily, but, even with a busy work schedule, is once a week too much to ask? Should intimacy occur, can I then expect our relationship to become closer? And, if it continues on the same path, leaving me wanting more, should I end it based on the fact that I can't see him more often?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  October 24,2009, 11:20am
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wrote :
What I am asking for is opinions on whether or not I am wasting time and emotion on someone who will never get as close as I want him to. I don't expect to see him daily, but, even with a busy work schedule, is once a week too much to ask? Should intimacy occur, can I then expect our relationship to become closer? And, if it continues on the same path, leaving me wanting more, should I end it based on the fact that I can't see him more often?
the bolded is a huge misconception in fact, it usually has the opposite effect. sex is nothing more than physical intimacy. why would you have sex if you want to be emotionally intimate with someone?

my opinion is that you should take it slow and get to know this person before you invest emotionally and certainly before you have sex with the guy.
Last edited by Nanette; October 24,2009 at 11:22am. Reason: ugh i was just going to read for a minute and here it has been 2 hours
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  October 24,2009, 11:27am
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I would try to get some data on his situation before signing on for having sex.

Why is he needing three jobs? For how much longer? How much time will he have to devote to the relationship?

I would need agreeable answers to those kind of questions to go forward.

In my experience, sex is the point at which I stop seeing others, but that it me ... your results may vary.
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #4  October 24,2009, 1:12pm
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Does he live in close proximity to you? I.e., this is not a long-distance relationship, or other transportation barrier for you getting together? If that's not an issue, I think you should be able to get together more frequently than once a month if he's interested in you.

Is he showing any signs of affection, like a passionate embrace (not one of those "granny" hugs with tiny pats like he's afraid to crush fragile bones.) Does he talk about his personal life, goals, dreams?

I don't think you need to get to physical intimacy yet, until you find out if you share emotional intimacy first.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  October 24,2009, 7:59pm
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Some friendly advice.

Unless this is a LDR find you a guy that can and will make time for you a lot more frequently than once a month.

Learn right now, RIGHT NOW to keep your panties on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lose the texting. It is not communication. Have you ever heard that a phone is for talking? Learn how to communicate with your voice.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  October 24,2009, 8:02pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Unless this is a LDR find you a guy that can and will make time for you a lot more frequently than once a month.

Learn right now, RIGHT NOW to keep your panties on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lose the texting. It is not communication. Have you ever heard that a phone is for talking? Learn how to communicate with your voice.

Five stars for snarky-ness!
 
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wiccangirl is offline wiccangirl Post #7  October 26,2009, 9:31pm
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D_Lion wrote :

Why is he needing three jobs? For how much longer? How much time will he have to devote to the relationship?
I believe he just likes to keep busy. I don't know how long he will keep up the two "extra" jobs - he is a professional, but keeps the other two "menial" jobs to save money and, like me, doesn't know what to do with a day off. I would be willing to make time for a relationship, but how do I ask him to quit a job or two?

Shelby wrote :
Does he live in close proximity to you? I.e., this is not a long-distance relationship, or other transportation barrier for you getting together? If that's not an issue, I think you should be able to get together more frequently than once a month if he's interested in you.

Is he showing any signs of affection, like a passionate embrace (not one of those "granny" hugs with tiny pats like he's afraid to crush fragile bones.) Does he talk about his personal life, goals, dreams?
We live about fourty five minutes away from each other, not that close, but not so far that more frequent contact is out of the question. He does show affection, perhaps not quite as much as I would like, but I think part of it is his traditional upbringing. He also talks about his personal life and his goals and dreams, we both do. It is one of the things I like so much about him - he is as devoted to his family as I am to mine, however that presents a problem too. We are both so involved with our siblings and family get-togethers that we have pushed dates back for them.

Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Some friendly advice.

Unless this is a LDR find you a guy that can and will make time for you a lot more frequently than once a month.

Learn right now, RIGHT NOW to keep your panties on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lose the texting. It is not communication. Have you ever heard that a phone is for talking? Learn how to communicate with your voice.
LOL Thanks for the advice, even though it has been awhile, I really should learn to keep my panties on. But it's just so hard! As I said above, I don't consider it a LDR, and I feel like we should be able to see each other more. I also have to agree on the texting thing, it was fun at first, but I would much rather hear his voice. Although the times we have talked on the phone the calls lasted for 5-8 hours, so sometimes texting leaves me free to go about my business without having to hold the phone to my ear. But even the texting goes on for hours on end, until we fall asleep on each other.

All in all, despite the fact that we don't see each other often, the interactions we have had make me feel like I know him well. I guess I am starting to analyze my feelings and I'm coming to the conclusion that I do like him a great deal. I am just getting to that point where I get scared and start worrying over whether he shares my feelings, or is still making up his mind - so to speak. And I'm wondering whether I should wait to see how this develops, or keep looking for someone I can see more often and be closer with. At this point I would not be shocked (but I know I would feel a certain amount of hurt) to learn that he is seeing other people, but I am just not that way. I know, I know - you're not supposed to invest emotionally in a casual date, but I just can't seem to date multiple people at the same time. Even though there is no "understanding" I just don't feel comfortable going out with someone else while I am talking so intimately with him. I may be a fool, but I just feel that if I were to look elsewhere, it would only complicate my feelings and possibly cause me to lose a very good thing.
 
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