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Can_I_just_be_Jo Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline
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trixie1868 wrote :
I would deeply mistrust anyone my age without 'baggage'. I'd think they just hadn't been joining in enough.

We are all of us, shaped by our experience. Anyone who claims that they have not been has not had enough stand out experiences.
Oh I hope you wouldn't mind me exploring this. To me it goes to the glass half full v. half empty people.

Last week I was out with a guy and said something was one of the worst experiences of my life. He said surely your divorce was one of the worst experiences of your life. I told him no, how could I look at it badly when I learned so much about myself from it. Everyone referred to my divorce as the war of the Roses. I could list everything I learned but the end result is I am a better person for it.

I believe my outlook is from having a very internal LOC. I have met other people like me and they have the same outlook.

Meh, what do you think?
- October 24th, 2009, 06:58 pm
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WYskywatcher wrote :
Now don't get upset. What color was it? Maybe we can help you find it.

Low-visibility grey. You surely missed it.

I may not have even had any ...
- October 24th, 2009, 07:05 pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Low-visibility grey. You surely missed it.

I may not have even had any ...
Let's ask around...

Hello! Has anyone seen D's baggage? It's low visibility grey. He thinks he left it at the bus stop. Surely someone has seen it.
- October 24th, 2009, 07:57 pm
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On second thought, umm ... I think ... umm ...

I haven't any baggage!
- October 24th, 2009, 08:02 pm
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It takes two to tango. When I make a decision or judgement about someone, I am using all of my past experiences, gut feelings, and knowledge/obsevance of the other person at that point in time.

For example, If I reject someone because I think they are a flake or a gold-digger, there was something that made me come to that decision. A lot of it could have been my insecurities, my experience wisdom, my gut instincts, etc. I could have been dead wrong due to insecurities, but I am sure part of my decision was legit and correct.

But the other person had a lot to say about it too. She could have performed certain actions better, communicated better, or taken me more more seriously. She had something to do with me rejecting her too.

But some of my choices are to protect me from hurt and trouble. If I sense someone isnt taking me seriously or are not 100% tuned in, then I am setting myself up to get strung out on the backburner. If I am always trying to contact her and she rarely contacts me, or if I am always paying for things, something is not right.

If someone else is not genuinely interested in me, then I will pick up hints and sniff this out.

If two people are truely genuinely interested in eachother, they will not play games with eachother or put up any huge barriers. Somehow they will overcome it and find a way to be together.
- October 24th, 2009, 08:26 pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
Oh I hope you wouldn't mind me exploring this. To me it goes to the glass half full v. half empty people.

Last week I was out with a guy and said something was one of the worst experiences of my life. He said surely your divorce was one of the worst experiences of your life. I told him no, how could I look at it badly when I learned so much about myself from it. Everyone referred to my divorce as the war of the Roses. I could list everything I learned but the end result is I am a better person for it.

I believe my outlook is from having a very internal LOC. I have met other people like me and they have the same outlook.

Meh, what do you think?
Hope it's okay if I jump in here...

Jo, something clicked for me when you talked about internal locus of control...the idea that even if you can't control what's happening to you, you can choose how you'll respond to it. It took me a long time to grasp that, but it was really powerful once I got my head wrapped around it.

I don't think that it necessarily means that I come to a relationship totally unaffected by what's happened to me in prior ones (as much as I try not to be)...I think it just means that I've chosen to believe that I have agency in the process of how I deal with hurt from other relationships, and I how I deal with stuff that may surface in a current in a relationship...instead of saying, "Well, I'm this way because of X event", asking myself, "Okay, obviously X event is still an issue...how am I going to work at resolving that, now that I know that it's still an issue?"

But I like your attitude - every experience is a learning experience, if we choose to make it so.

By the way, D_Lion, I absolutely believe that, by the definition that you set out and clarified, that you likely *don't* have any "baggage". But I think it's easy to prove your own point when you can set the definition of the word...it seems to me that the responses here indicate that the general understanding of "baggage" is different than yours, or at least incorporating elements that you don't feel have a place...

That's not a criticism. It's just difficult to debate when all parties don't agree on the meaning of the terms...
- October 24th, 2009, 08:53 pm
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Faira wrote :
Hope it's okay if I jump in here...

Jo, something clicked for me when you talked about internal locus of control...the idea that even if you can't control what's happening to you, you can choose how you'll respond to it. It took me a long time to grasp that, but it was really powerful once I got my head wrapped around it.

I don't think that it necessarily means that I come to a relationship totally unaffected by what's happened to me in prior ones (as much as I try not to be)...I think it just means that I've chosen to believe that I have agency in the process of how I deal with hurt from other relationships, and I how I deal with stuff that may surface in a current in a relationship...instead of saying, "Well, I'm this way because of X event", asking myself, "Okay, obviously X event is still an issue...how am I going to work at resolving that, now that I know that it's still an issue?"

But I like your attitude - every experience is a learning experience, if we choose to make it so.
To me it is looking at the events an how they effected me. How do I believe I effected events. What were my perceptions before and how have they changed. It is all in how I perceive myself not in how I perceive others.
- October 24th, 2009, 09:32 pm
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I need a drink!
- October 24th, 2009, 09:51 pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I need a drink!
Then get one silly.
- October 24th, 2009, 10:05 pm
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I'd rather not drink alone!
- October 24th, 2009, 10:08 pm
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