bf has a 19 yr old son & is mad that i dont ask more ?s


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traciehi8 is offline traciehi8 Post #1  October 21,2009, 5:50pm
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My boyfriend who is 18 years older than me has a very close relationship with his 19 year old son, who is away at college. I am 29 and have no children.

during our 3 month relationship, I have failed to instigate questions about my boyfriend's son who is away at college and that has led my boyfriend to believe that I don't care about "the #1 thing in his life." He is very upset by this.

Its not that I don't care. It's just that I don't know much about it. I have minimal firsthand experience with the son, though I know that he's not very supportive of my boyfriend and my relationship... and I come from a broken home and don't have a good relationship with my father, so I don't even know what that type of relationship would entail, what I should ask, or anything... I'm so lost that sometimes asking about it seems kind of fake and forced to me. I tried to explain this to my boyfriend and ask for his help in understanding whatever it is that i'm missing so severely, but that only angered him more. he yelled at me and called me "blind", which hurt me a lot because I don't feel like it's my fault that I didn't understand these important familial relationships are growing up and what it all means. He's so raw and worn out from my "not asking questions or expressing interest in his son" that even my explaining why I don't know what to ask or telling him i don't have experience with this upsets him. He just wants me to straight up ask questions, but i don't know what to ask. My feelings are hurt because I'm not a bad person and I feel like I'm being treated as if I am an uncaring or unloving person. i do care.

i also feel isolated because it seems it is not welcome when i try to discuss how i perceive their relationship bc i'm often "wrong". but rather than kindly correct me or explain the dynamics of a good father -son relationship, his word choice and facial expressions make me feel stupid and looked down upon by him. it seems for the life of me that i cannot catch up to wherever he wants me to be. i do not feel like i'm being treated with any tenderness in the matter and that the only person's feelings being considered are my boyfriend's. if i were to cry or get my feelings hurt during this discussion, he only gets more frustrated because he sees that as a distraction from what he wants from me, which is to focus on his son.

Honestly, the son is out of state and out of sight, so he's almost out of mind a lot of the time for me. My boyfriend has just now started bringing him up more often, so I know that will help.

I just feel really beaten up by this.

please help
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  October 21,2009, 5:54pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I don't know where to begin. The whole relationship sounds pretty dysfunctional and I don't know as I can say anything that would change that. I hate to see you feeling beaten up though. Sorry.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  October 21,2009, 6:03pm
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Agree with JayJay.

It sounds like he is treating you like a child, and not a partner (perhaps an explainable result from whatever it is that attracts you to much older men in the first place.)

I doubt any good will come of this.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #4  October 21,2009, 6:06pm
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traciehi8 wrote :

I come from a broken home and don't have a good relationship with my father,

he yelled at me and called me "blind", which hurt me a lot

I feel like I'm being treated as if I am an uncaring or unloving person. i do care.

i also feel isolated because it seems it is not welcome when i try to discuss how i perceive their relationship bc i'm often "wrong". but rather than kindly correct me or explain the dynamics of a good father -son relationship, his word choice and facial expressions make me feel stupid and looked down upon by him. it seems for the life of me that i cannot catch up to wherever he wants me to be. i do not feel like i'm being treated with any tenderness in the matter and that the only person's feelings being considered are my boyfriend's.

I just feel really beaten up by this.

please help
You're trying so hard to understand him. Is he trying hard to understand you? Doesn't sound like it from these statements. Why should it be all his way?

I suggest leaving the relationship and getting some counseling to understand where you're at when it comes to relationships.
 
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