jayjay is offline jayjay Post #1  October 21,2009, 6:55am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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In the guided communication process there's an optional question regarding your opinion on gender roles with multiple choice answers ranging from traditional to nontraditional to 'create your own roles' (which is pretty vague). There are also perennial topics on this forum that are related to gender roles such as should women initiate communication, who should pay for dates, equality in relationships etc.

So, beyond a simplistic multiple choice type answer, in the type of relationship that you'd most like to have what would be the roles for yourself and your partner? Both in external (what he or she does) and internal (psychological/emotional) terms....what would be different (or not different) between His and Her roles in the relationship?
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #2  October 21,2009, 7:14am
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jayjay wrote :
So, beyond a simplistic multiple choice type answer, in the type of relationship that you'd most like to have what would be the roles for yourself and your partner? Both in external (what he or she does) and internal (psychological/emotional) terms....what would be different (or not different) between His and Her roles in the relationship?
I would be comfortable with more traditional roles, taking care of household maintenance, yard, vehicles etc. However, I've been a bachelor for a long time so I am comfortable cooking, cleaning the house and doing laundry. It would really depend on the other person.

In terms of career, I'm not strongly career/achievement driven but have the experience and training to kick it up a notch if it were needed for me to be the sole or primary bread winner.

Internally, I'm not sure if those are so clearly defined traditionally. I would want a relationship that is open and we can discuss our problems and work through them together. I would like to have the type of relationshi where you feel comfortable talking about the troubles you are facing with the other person.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  October 21,2009, 7:15am
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I think that you are confusing the First Questions gender role question and equality in a relationship.

Also as you know you can write in your own answers for First Questions which I do for all questions that I am asked, including the gender role question.

I view the gender role question as am I looking for someone to keep house for me while I go out to work. In other words the roles that most people played in my parents generation (check my age to get the generation it may be different from yours). Or am I going to help with keeping house and expect that she will also be helping with the family income.

The concept of courting, who initiates or pays, in the relationship I don't see as roles of the genders. I see this as a difference of living in the 21st century and not in the 1920s.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  October 21,2009, 7:46am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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shoopthedoop wrote :
Internally, I'm not sure if those are so clearly defined traditionally. I would want a relationship that is open and we can discuss our problems and work through them together. I would like to have the type of relationship where you feel comfortable talking about the troubles you are facing with the other person.
Do you think there would be internal differences between yourself and your partner that would be reflected in how you discuss and work through problems? If you were the 'breadwinner' would that affect....or reflect....other differences between the two of you?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  October 21,2009, 7:53am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I think that you are confusing the First Questions gender role question and equality in a relationship.
These are related, aren't they? As in people want to feel a balance in a relationship and that no one is being taken advantage of.

Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
The concept of courting, who initiates or pays, in the relationship I don't see as roles of the genders. I see this as a difference of living in the 21st century and not in the 1920s.
There are quite a few people here who think a man should initiate communication and pay for a first date(s). Do you think they're living in the 1920s?
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #6  October 21,2009, 8:33am
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jayjay wrote :
Do you think there would be internal differences between yourself and your partner that would be reflected in how you discuss and work through problems?
I would expect there would be some differences between how we discussed and worked through problems at the start of the relationship. As long as the other person came into the relationship willing to discuss and work through problems that's all I would care about.

jayjay wrote :
If you were the 'breadwinner' would that affect....or reflect....other differences between the two of you?
It could reflect other differences between us. This goes back more to the education/income thread. I'm at the cusp of making good money now, but not quite there. If someone was making significantly less than I am now it would be a reflection of lack of ambition, which is a difference that would be tough to deal with.
 
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alissag is offline alissag Post #7  October 21,2009, 8:50am
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jayjay I love this thread and I think you are dead on with your question....

Now, I understand that not everyman is like this, but my ex husband's idea of equality in a relationship changed once he became the sole bread winner. This was shocking to me as he ASKED me to stay home once kids came along. To this day i can play the conversation in my head like a video. He thought it important that our kids were not in day care but raised by me. Being raised by their mother was worth more than any dollar amount I made. And, we were fortunate enough to have this as an option.

Unfortunately, as soon as I stopped working, I was no longer an equal in his eyes. I cannot tell you how many times I heard him say "well, I make the money" WT...! I no longer had equal say in decision making and it filtered into every aspect of our relationship. In the end he was treating me and interacting with me in a completely different manner. No longer were my feelings or opinions of any importance or value. The equality, respect and admiration had vanished.

I have no problem with traditional gender roles in a relationship as long as they still see each others as equals and partners. Some people are steadfast in their perceptions of gender roles (I'm speaking in terms of both "chore" responsibilities and emotional) For others, however, those roles will be molded and have a different definition depending on the person they are with.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  October 21,2009, 9:00am
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alissag wrote :
Unfortunately, as soon as I stopped working, I was no longer an equal in his eyes. I cannot tell you how many times I heard him say "well, I make the money" WT...! I no longer had equal say in decision making and it filtered into every aspect of our relationship. In the end he was treating me and interacting with me in a completely different manner. No longer were my feelings or opinions of any importance or value. The equality, respect and admiration had vanished.
How horrible....and a great example of how each person having a different role can play out as an inequality/imbalance.

What brought this topic to my mind recently was a couple posts by women on another thread about how what they look for in a man is his having the attitude of wanting to be a 'protector/provider'. Frankly, it surprised me to see women saying this as it doesn't sound as 'modern' as people oftentimes are. One thing is also started me wondering is, for a woman who wants a man's role in a relationship to be a 'protector/provider'....what is the corresponding woman's role?
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #9  October 21,2009, 9:14am
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jayjay wrote :
One thing is also started me wondering is, for a woman who wants a man's role in a relationship to be a 'protector/provider'....what is the corresponding woman's role?
I would say nurturer (of both husband and children), and keeper of the hearth and all of the work that entails.
 
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keepitreal4love is offline keepitreal4love Post #10  October 21,2009, 9:15am
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shoopthedoop wrote :

If someone was making significantly less than I am now it would be a reflection of lack of ambition, which is a difference that would be tough to deal with.
that is 100 percent false and a typical elitist attitude I see from people on eharmony, it depends on your career path it has nothing to do with ambition some careers such as careers as social work do not pay anywhere near what a career in engineering does. get your facts straight buddy.
 
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