Gender roles

I think consoling someone when they had a bad day at the office is a role both partners should be willing to play in a relationship.

I agree with your second point. There's a huge difference in my eyes between someone being appreciative of you paying for things for them and expecting you to pay for things for them.

Nah....Catwomen are notoriously independent and don't need help from mere mortals like me.

This got big in a hurry. Answering the OP without having read it all.

I do not hold “traditional” roles at all. I doubt I would even if the labor market functioned as it did in my grandparents’ era, but since it does not, that is too hypothetical to contemplate.

I would not even consider a commitment to a woman without a reasonably prosperous career (though in my history I in fact have a majority of partners who were still students or part time workers not yet established in a career.)

In terms of in the home, I do not really understand the desire for having someone to fill the “housewife” role – I am more than capable of providing the minimal amount of housework necessary to keep my house acceptable (at least, to my standards.)

I have also found that I need the intellectual and personality attributes of accomplished, motivated people.

In effect, I think roles are undefined by gender entirely.

Great thread jayjay. Carp! I have many thoughts on this topic but must go study for tomorrow's literature exam. Darned responsibility!!

Unfortunately, as soon as I stopped working, I was no longer an equal in his eyes. I cannot tell you how many times I heard him say "well, I make the money" WT...! I no longer had equal say in decision making and it filtered into every aspect of our relationship. In the end he was treating me and interacting with me in a completely different manner. No longer were my feelings or opinions of any importance or value. The equality, respect and admiration had vanished.

Regarding the question: "This brings up a point that I'm very interested in: are the roles, such as 'protector/provider' and 'nurterer' strictly external (the work each person does) or are they principally internal and reflect the emotional/psychological contributions of each person within the relationship?" you wrote...



For me the internal motivation for the role I want to play in a relationship is what causes me to do external things. Without this inner motivation I wouldn't do the 'provide/protect' type things. Similarly, it's a woman having something in her on an emotional level that responds to, appreciates and looks to me to do these kinds of things that makes me want to do them. Otherwise...why would I?

And for me the 'provide/protect' things aren't dramatic unusual actions. For example, on a cold snowy night when we have plans for her to come to my place I go to pick her up rather than having her drive through the weather to my place. To allow me to make all the arrangements for a trip we're going to go on. Or, just her being willing to express when she's feeling down and discouraged at her job and to allow me to wrap her up in my arms and make her feel secure. But there has to be that internal aspect to give/receive these things in both of us for me to want to do them.

To go back for a minute to the perpetual topic of 'who pays' for things on a date. Paying for things on dates can be something I enjoy tremendously....but only if I see that internally this is something a woman values as a way of letting me care for her. That internal aspect of 'protect/provide' has to be there for me to want and enjoy doing things like that. If she seems to have the attitude of 'I don't need you...but thanks for the free meal' I certainly wouldn't have any interest in continuing to do such things.

BOO.

it's okay. I don't even own a lawnmower.

seriously though, independent or no, I still apprieciate when a SO does things like that for me- it's one of the things i love about men. however, I never realized that some men would be less interested in me if i didn't need that extra special treatment. In fact, IME, some men will use what he does for you (paying on a date, etc,) as some kind of point system for what he recieves in return- it's the curse of the "Nice Guy".

my deal is that if someone offers to do something for me, I protest once and that's it. I feel like anytime you give someone a gift or do something sweet it should be given freely, but that's not always the case.

I feel like anytime you give someone a gift or do something sweet it should be given freely, but that's not always the case.

Not that is does you any good, but if anyone is after a man's point of view, I admit to being exactly like this.

It's one more reason I don't date non-professional people.