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6dle899 6dle899 is online now
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6dle899 If it were that easy, everyone would do it.

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alissag wrote :
The man is the dominant one, decision maker, and all of my feelings, opinions etc. carry less weight and are of less consequence. We aren't emotional equals. This is what I experienced in my marriage and has definitely influenced my way of thinking..
I pity the poor females who take all guidance and initiative from the "man" at the top. They will suffer the consequences of misplaced faith.
- October 22nd, 2009, 12:02 pm
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alissag wrote :
I have no problem recognizing this type of personality and staying far away from it.

There were many contributing factors to it all. My marriage situation was different, over 12 years it evolved into the controlling, take, take. As I stated earlier in the thread, this didn't rear it's ugly head until I quit work to stay home with the kids, 5 years into the marriage.
I was just recognizing your worries & I agree that they are understandable.

It might take a ridiculous amount of patience but you will find someone that will continue to respect & value you.

There are men out there that would consider the money that they earn to be family money & not give it any power value in the relationship. Some people don't play any power games of any kind when dealing with interpersonal relationships.

I know that I would earn more with the support of a good woman. Some people don't recognize that they could never earn what they earn without the aid of their partner. Those many details that are taken care of by a partner take time & energy. That time & energy equates to money.
- October 22nd, 2009, 12:04 pm
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shoopthedoop wrote :
I would expect there would be some differences between how we discussed and worked through problems at the start of the relationship. As long as the other person came into the relationship willing to discuss and work through problems that's all I would care about.



It could reflect other differences between us. This goes back more to the education/income thread. I'm at the cusp of making good money now, but not quite there. If someone was making significantly less than I am now it would be a reflection of lack of ambition, which is a difference that would be tough to deal with.
Not necessarily. Some professions don't command the same salaries as others. My sister, for example, is a district nurse (back in the UK where I am from). She has years of experience, qualifications and has worked her way up yet she isn't paid anywhere near what the equivalent would be in the corporate world.

And sorry if someone has already said this. I haven't read the whole thread yet!
- October 22nd, 2009, 12:06 pm
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alissag wrote :
jayjay I love this thread and I think you are dead on with your question....

Now, I understand that not everyman is like this, but my ex husband's idea of equality in a relationship changed once he became the sole bread winner. This was shocking to me as he ASKED me to stay home once kids came along. To this day i can play the conversation in my head like a video. He thought it important that our kids were not in day care but raised by me. Being raised by their mother was worth more than any dollar amount I made. And, we were fortunate enough to have this as an option.

Unfortunately, as soon as I stopped working, I was no longer an equal in his eyes. I cannot tell you how many times I heard him say "well, I make the money" WT...! I no longer had equal say in decision making and it filtered into every aspect of our relationship. In the end he was treating me and interacting with me in a completely different manner. No longer were my feelings or opinions of any importance or value. The equality, respect and admiration had vanished.

I have no problem with traditional gender roles in a relationship as long as they still see each others as equals and partners. Some people are steadfast in their perceptions of gender roles (I'm speaking in terms of both "chore" responsibilities and emotional) For others, however, those roles will be molded and have a different definition depending on the person they are with.

Were we married to the same guy?!!
- October 22nd, 2009, 12:08 pm
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sabete2002 wrote :
< snip >
And sorry if someone has already said this. I haven't read the whole thread yet!
Brits ALWAYS apologise for things that are not their fault.


I don't know why this is, but I HEART them for it and find it endearing.
- October 22nd, 2009, 12:17 pm
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6dle899 wrote :
Brits ALWAYS apologise for things that are not their fault.


I don't know why this is, but I HEART them for it and find it endearing.
I am so busted! But thanks.
- October 22nd, 2009, 01:04 pm
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OK. Got it.

Read the whole thread and discovered...............................

It's bogus. Gener roles are bogus.

In my next relationship (and to be fair I had it in my past ones too) I want us to do things for each other because we love each other. I want us to take care of each other because we are two people who care about each other.

He doesn't have to do things for me because he imagines as a man he's supposed to do 'em and I won't do things for him because that's my role as a woman.

Sorted.

Thanks folks.
- October 22nd, 2009, 03:34 pm
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bigfincat wrote :
I don't know. It seems that your ex-husband was insecure & needed to feel dominant over you to compensate for that.

I think that you said it well that there is a spectrum & you probably need to find someone that is at a diiferent point in that line.

It sounds like you would give & he would take & take advantage. I can usually spot that type of personality...especially in a guy. It is usually easier to recognize things in your own gender unfortunately.

Recognizing certain insecurities & controlling attitudes would be helpful in your situation.
Tell us what tips you off on that, bigfincat. That would be really helpful to some of us. ; )
- October 22nd, 2009, 05:06 pm
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trixie1868 wrote :
OK. Got it.

Read the whole thread and discovered...............................

It's bogus. Gener roles are bogus.

In my next relationship (and to be fair I had it in my past ones too) I want us to do things for each other because we love each other. I want us to take care of each other because we are two people who care about each other.

He doesn't have to do things for me because he imagines as a man he's supposed to do 'em and I won't do things for him because that's my role as a woman.

Sorted.

Thanks folks.
Said so much better than I was saying it. Thanks Trix.
- October 22nd, 2009, 05:10 pm
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trixie1868 wrote :
OK. Got it.

Read the whole thread and discovered...............................

It's bogus. Gender roles are bogus.

In my next relationship (and to be fair I had it in my past ones too) I want us to do things for each other because we love each other. I want us to take care of each other because we are two people who care about each other.

He doesn't have to do things for me because he imagines as a man he's supposed to do 'em and I won't do things for him because that's my role as a woman.

Sorted.

Thanks folks.
Doing things because you're 'supposed to' is dumb. That's a given. The issue (for me at least) is how do I naturally want to be and enjoy being when I'm in a relationship. And, a big part of that is related to the fact that I'm a man.
- October 22nd, 2009, 05:51 pm
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