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alissag alissag is offline
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alissag Life's not about weathering the storm but learning to dance in the rain!

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At least I learned from it, so, all is good.

Now in terms of women wanting a "provider/protector" type of man... Personally, I want a man that has the capability but I don't necessarily want him to take that role in our relationship 100% of the time. Guess it comes down to that strong sensitive type.
- October 21st, 2009, 10:17 am
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neardc wrote :
I would say nurturer (of both husband and children), and keeper of the hearth and all of the work that entails.
Do you think that is a role that can be compatible with a woman having a career....or is this an either/or?
- October 21st, 2009, 10:25 am
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beautifulgenius Life feels like it's getting complicated....

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alissag wrote :
jayjay I love this thread and I think you are dead on with your question....

Now, I understand that not everyman is like this, but my ex husband's idea of equality in a relationship changed once he became the sole bread winner. This was shocking to me as he ASKED me to stay home once kids came along. To this day i can play the conversation in my head like a video. He thought it important that our kids were not in day care but raised by me. Being raised by their mother was worth more than any dollar amount I made. And, we were fortunate enough to have this as an option.

Unfortunately, as soon as I stopped working, I was no longer an equal in his eyes. I cannot tell you how many times I heard him say "well, I make the money" WT...! I no longer had equal say in decision making and it filtered into every aspect of our relationship. In the end he was treating me and interacting with me in a completely different manner. No longer were my feelings or opinions of any importance or value. The equality, respect and admiration had vanished.

I have no problem with traditional gender roles in a relationship as long as they still see each others as equals and partners. Some people are steadfast in their perceptions of gender roles (I'm speaking in terms of both "chore" responsibilities and emotional) For others, however, those roles will be molded and have a different definition depending on the person they are with.
As soon as I stopped working, I was the little woman of the house. Out went the equality and in came the archaic thinking of the Stone Age. To make things even more difficult, with the birth of our second child, I couldn't go back to work right away, so he was starting to feel the heat of having a dead end job, another mouth to feed, and a brand new house. After about a year of struggling, I decided to get another job, to help ends meet, he then felt inadequate, and told me that I didn't need him because he wasn't man enough for me. I was damned if I did, and damned us all if I didn't. The marriage was going down the tubes and I couldn't do anything about it. Talk about feeling like I was caught between a rock and a hard place. All I wanted was to get things back to where we weren't drowning anymore. But he felt that was his problem to solve and not ours..
- October 21st, 2009, 10:26 am
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jayjay wrote :
Do you think that is a role that can be compatible with a woman having a career....or is this an either/or?
i wouldn't think so. who would have the time?
- October 21st, 2009, 10:31 am
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jayjay jayjay is offline
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alissag wrote :
Now in terms of women wanting a "provider/protector" type of man... Personally, I want a man that has the capability but I don't necessarily want him to take that role in our relationship 100% of the time. Guess it comes down to that strong sensitive type.
So....how much of the time do you want him to take this role, what is your role then....and what are both your roles like the other % of the time?
- October 21st, 2009, 10:31 am
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alissag alissag is offline
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jayjay Gender roles
neardc wrote :
I would say nurturer (of both husband and children), and keeper of the hearth and all of the work that entails.

Do you think that is a role that can be compatible with a woman having a career....or is this an either/or?

You can't expect a woman to have a career and then be the sole nurturer of the children all on her own. The responsibilities of children and home have to be shared if she has a career... I'm a great multi-tasker and can handle a lot but I'm not superwoman or anything LOL
- October 21st, 2009, 10:33 am
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jayjay wrote :
Do you think that is a role that can be compatible with a woman having a career....or is this an either/or?
Keeper of the Hearth is a career, for some. For others, not, and they have to figure out what to do about that.

This is a great thread, thanks jayjay. I don't think I can answer it in the hypothetical. I might take different roles with a different man. One must-have for me is a relationship that can take me past or outside of where I already am or can go by myself -- a relationship where I might take a role I'm not already comfortable and competent in. I want to grow as a person.

I'd also like a relationship that's more fluid in roles ... sometimes he takes the lead in something; other times I do.
- October 21st, 2009, 10:33 am
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scarlet13 wrote :
i wouldn't think so. who would have the time?
This brings up a point that I'm very interested in: are the roles, such as 'protector/provider' and 'nurterer' strictly external (the work each person does) or are they principally internal and reflect the emotional/psychological contributions of each person within the relationship?
- October 21st, 2009, 10:34 am
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jayjay jayjay is offline
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beautifulgenius wrote :
As soon as I stopped working, I was the little woman of the house. Out went the equality and in came the archaic thinking of the Stone Age. To make things even more difficult, with the birth of our second child, I couldn't go back to work right away, so he was starting to feel the heat of having a dead end job, another mouth to feed, and a brand new house. After about a year of struggling, I decided to get another job, to help ends meet, he then felt inadequate, and told me that I didn't need him because he wasn't man enough for me. I was damned if I did, and damned us all if I didn't. The marriage was going down the tubes and I couldn't do anything about it. Talk about feeling like I was caught between a rock and a hard place. All I wanted was to get things back to where we weren't drowning anymore. But he felt that was his problem to solve and not ours..
Good description of what you (understandably) don't want. Now...what is it that you actually would like within a relationship?
- October 21st, 2009, 10:35 am
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personally, I don't look for a protector/provider. i've lived in some of the carpiest neighborhoods in NJ and have successful thwarted a carjacking attempt, a mugging (of a friend) and a home invasion, so i'm all good on that.

now, if i met and fell in love with a man who happened to make gobs of $ and offered to let me stay home and care for the house (i don't want children) i wouldn't do it. firstly, I can't cook, and i don't really want to learn, and secondly, i would be afraid of the shift in the balance of power that the other posters talked about.

I have no desire to ask someone else for money when i want to buy something nor the question of "do i really need it"

so, in my ideal relationship the household chores would fall to whomever wanted to do them, and for the ones noone wants to do- if no compromise could be reached i guess we could always hire someone.
- October 21st, 2009, 10:41 am
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