Self-esteem in Online Dating


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tincup is offline tincup Post #1  October 20,2009, 3:34pm
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I recently was reading (and posted) a piece in the feeling rejected thread. Seems like a lot of people get hurt by the rejection aspect of online dating. I thought it an important enough issue to bring up in a new thread and wanted to share some thoughts on it.

To me, the whole issue of self-esttem comes down to the self-image you walk into the subscription with. Whatever it is, you're going to seek a reality that re-reinforces it - a total self-fulfilling prophecy. If you simply throw out a communication attempt to see if someone will respond to you, you're asking to get rejected. The human psyche is such that you're probably really looking for the rejection, not the acceptance in that act. Even though consciously you want the acceptance, when you act out of fear and insecurity, you subconsciously engage in activities designed to subvert yourself. Let me state this from another angle. If there is someone that you have no obvious chemistry with, a boring profile, and maybe he/she looks half-way decent to you, what is in it for the other person to communicate with you? The act of your communication was all about you, not about a potential union between the two of you. I don't know how, but in my experience, the universe never rewards that type of action.

The number of people you meet on this site that from their profile and pics, you would truly want to date or meet up with, is probably very small...and it should be! Look at a corollary example - a walk at rush hour through Grand Central Station. The number of people you're compatible with is probably also very small; however, you're going to bump into a lot of them as you're probably in one of the most densly populated regions from the hours of 3-5 PM! You better be prepared for a lot of rejection if you start chatting up random strangers. E-harmony is no different than the train station - it's also an aggregator. If you want severly filtered results, tap the network of people that really know you and will give you a warm, personal introduction to friends that are also single. EH, is what it is though.

Demand matches that really work well for you- it's the ultimate act of self-respect. Doing so is not a means of putting someone else down, but merely finding someone right for you. It's not about getting rejected, it's about finding a match. If you're feeling rejected it's more indicative of an internal issue that you need to struggle through on your own - and probably has nothing to do with EH or dating.

Those that believe in themselves, have strong self-images and a positive attitude land on their feet. Those that are insecure, have a poor self-image and a negative attitude, find ways of reinforcing and validating their insecurities time and time again. Getting rid of EH won't solve that problem, it's a different attitude and approach to life that will.

My takeaway advice on how to use EH:
1. Throw out your best, most creative view of who you are in your profile. Really make the thing well-written and give someone a good snapshot of what you're all about.

(Take a deep breath and realize that most people are not going to be what you're all about and won't be attracted to it - simple stats at play here, remember the train station example; the fact that Tony doesn't like rock climbing in the dead of winter with no crampons doesn't mean you should think any less of yourself or your hobbies. You're going to meet Bill, who trades stories and notes)

2. Get the best, most flattering pictures you can, taken of you.

(Take another deep breath and realize that there's very few people on this planet that appeal to a virtually universal standard of beauty. The rest of us will only be attractive to a) the right person and b) after we open our mouths and demonstrate our personalities. The pics prove that we respect our bodies (which I think is a pre-req for most), but the stats dictate most people aren't going to like your look. That doesn't mean you're ugly - it means john doe reading your profile didn't get physically excited. When you make passionate love to Jim Doe it won't really matter what John thought. For Jim's sake I hope you aren't questioning your attractiveness in that moment )

3. Try out EH with the new pics and profile and see what happens for a pre-determined period of time.

Maybe you'll meet someone interesting and you'll be on EH's next TV ad, or maybe you won't. Either way, it's got nothing to do with who you are at the core - and knowing who that person is will make you super attractive, regardless of what your profile pic looks like. It's also obviously easier to communicate the essence of your being in person - so view EH for what it is and don't give up on park benches, coffee shops, museums and the concept of fate. If EH can help you along the way, all the better.

-tincup
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  October 20,2009, 6:27pm
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Your post is too long for me to read but what I did read is filled with flaws IMO and I reject your whole premise.

Oh, and by the way it has nothing to do with online dating. I would for sure have a match close me with "Other" than have a girl tell me to my face "No, not if your were the last guy on earth".
 
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tincup is offline tincup Post #3  October 21,2009, 8:51pm
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I'm not sure I follow what your point is about rather having an online close than a real close. I think it goes without saying, that if someone who has never met us rejects us, it is far less damaging to our ego than a rejection from someone whom we've had face time with. I wouldn't consider that a point in dispute.

The point that I was trying to make (in a much shorter amount of text), is that a negative outlook/self-image is not going to be helped by EH. That's a core issue for people that stands irrespective of their online dating life. Fix the issue, and maybe you get a good online experience. Rely on the online experience to fix the attitude, and my personal belief is that you're destined for a further reinforcement of the negative image you came in with. Some call this the law of attraction ("the secret"), some call it the universe, Bruce Lipton calls it the Biology of Belief, and some others call it god. Call it what you want, I draw the same conclusion - find and know yourself, and the external validation follows - not the other way around.

-tincup
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #4  October 21,2009, 9:15pm
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I don't think that those theories work well with online dating at all.

Not enough dimensions shown.

People use online sites differently than they would with real life meets. That is the illogical part of it.

I actually think that far more people actually say that they love meeting new people when in fact they are not huge fans of it.
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #5  October 21,2009, 9:26pm
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I disagree strongly with the notion that simply "throwing out a communication attempt" means that you're looking to be rejected. Quite the contrary, I feel comfortable sending out communication to people that I'm uncertain about from an initial read precisely because getting closed after sending first questions doesn't bother me at all...we're both just some text and pictures to each other at that point.

Now that's not to say that I've got no standards from low self-esteem or something. If I'm uninterested in someone I'm not going to contact them, that simple. However, I've come to realize that giving someone a little benefit of the doubt at the profile viewing stage really can't hurt me at all...I'd be far more concerned about someone who wouldn't communicate with anyone who they weren't 100% sold on from the first viewing for fear of rejection...self-confidence isn't avoiding contact for fear of rejection, it's not letting the rejections that come bother you.
 
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tincup is offline tincup Post #6  October 21,2009, 9:31pm
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cardguy wrote :
I disagree strongly with the notion that simply "throwing out a communication attempt" means that you're looking to be rejected. Quite the contrary, I feel comfortable sending out communication to people that I'm uncertain about from an initial read precisely because getting closed after sending first questions doesn't bother me at all...we're both just some text and pictures to each other at that point.

Now that's not to say that I've got no standards from low self-esteem or something. If I'm uninterested in someone I'm not going to contact them, that simple. However, I've come to realize that giving someone a little benefit of the doubt at the profile viewing stage really can't hurt me at all...I'd be far more concerned about someone who wouldn't communicate with anyone who they weren't 100% sold on from the first viewing for fear of rejection...self-confidence isn't avoiding contact for fear of rejection, it's not letting the rejections that come bother you.
I wouldn't disagree with your post at all. My perspective was more derived from the other thread called "feeling rejected," in which it seemed like people clearly were trying to communicate with inappropriate matches just to provoke a positive response. Definitely agree with your last line, that true self-confidence is all about shrugging off the rejections.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #7  October 21,2009, 9:36pm

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Or some call it common sense.

It does not matter if someone closes your profile. It is just your profile. You close other people's profiles...are you a bad person for doing it?

Don't take it personally that a stranger did not like you. It is no big deal.

But sending out a bunch of requests of communications is not someone seeking rejection. Hogwash. It could just be smart due to the large amount of non-replies and closes. Still does it matter...you can think you have made a great guess by "screening" your matches and being particular but they are still a stranger and could be a total loser that happens to have a clever profile and great pictures.

Being selective means nothing at this point. You are just being selective on your assumptions of how you think this person is. You can't truly be selective until you actually know someone...and you can't know them by their profile and few emails.

I think you get my point. lol!!
 
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tincup is offline tincup Post #8  October 21,2009, 9:46pm
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Just to play devil's advocate:

How do you know the reason people send out communications? Read the feeling rejected thread in dating advice forum/dating advice/using EHarmony, I think you'll get a different take on said reasons (or maybe not).

Either way, one thing seems clear: you are one of those self-confident, well adjusted people I was suggesting we all aspire to be like! I wouldn't question your motives lol.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #9  October 21,2009, 9:59pm

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tincup wrote :
Just to play devil's advocate:

How do you know the reason people send out communications? Read the feeling rejected thread in dating advice forum/dating advice/using EHarmony, I think you'll get a different take on said reasons (or maybe not).

Either way, one thing seems clear: you are one of those self-confident, well adjusted people I was suggesting we all aspire to be like! I wouldn't question your motives lol.
Ahhh, but I was not the one claiming to know; you were. And your theory is it is because they secretly crave rejection. I think you already were playing Devil's advocate. lol!

***

And if I am the idea to aspire to...we are all in trouble!!!
 
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tincup is offline tincup Post #10  October 21,2009, 10:22pm
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I guess I would have to know you better before rendering judgment on that last point!

Nonetheless, my theory was that those who have a terrible self image, do indeed look for rejection, at least at a sub-conscious level. I think they can turn anything, including EH into a means to provide it. It's like they have filters on the world to only see the bad.

Don't we all know those people with a victim mentality? The ones that are just waiting for the world to do something bad to them? I find they always get what they're fearing. Conversely, the most successful people I meet, the happiest, are the opposite. Notwithstanding the foregoing though, I'm one person with one limited set of experiences, and I'm young at that. I do know that there is an established field of psychology around what I'm talking about (not that I'm a shrink or anything close to one). Dig around core belief construction and engineering on google.
 
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