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timeless2 timeless2 is offline
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- November 3rd, 2009, 12:57 pm
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kevin76 kevin76 is offline
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lostatsea wrote :
UPDATE: The subject of the orginal post I'm going to call EGH#1. He is still out of town and we have been communicating via e-mail although his last one (over 1week ago) said that he had been working 18 hour days and hasn't had much down time. Issue #1: I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but at the same time do I still e-mail him? I am I being naive in my thinking? I certainly don't want to appear stalkerish in case this is a "poof" tactic.

I have continued talking to other guys on EH and have had several dates since going out with EGH#1. Issue #2: I keep comparing the others to EHG#1's personality. I know it isn't fair. Its not that I became too attached to EHG#1 but he seemed to have most of the qualities I was looking for while the others had many qualities that were lacking. I have a lunch date on Thurs. with another guy who seems confident, grounded and a great sense of humor (3 most important things to me) so I need advise on how to stop comparing these other guys to EHG#1. I know you guys will be honest with me so I need your advice.

First, if you were the last to write a long email to EGH#1, wait for him to answer before you send another long one. Maybe once a week or so you could send a short note saying "hey was thinking of you, how are you doing?" If he's busy but interested he'll get back when he has time. If he wants to poof then nothing you do will make a difference anyway.

Second, you shouldn't put too much faith in profiles and emails one way or the other. It's natural to compare different prospects with each other - how would we ever choose between them if we didn't compare them? But at least give them the benefit of the doubt until you've met them in person and talked to them face-to-face at least once.
I wouldn't in any way tell you to stop comparing guys with each other - in fact, keep a spreadsheet listing the good and bad qualities of each if you want, keep a scoring system! Just remember to give them a chance to make an impression in person before you write them off completely.
- November 3rd, 2009, 01:04 pm
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gothustartus gothustartus is offline
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You're feeling vulnerable because of past experiences and the guy isn't around to reassure you, but you're keeping the connection going through email so there is still a connection., Short of hopping on a plane and following him email is about all you can do, phone calls might be awkward if he's moving around a lot and changing timezones, not to mention trying to square it with the home office if he makes a lot of calls back home, foreign phonecards can take some getting used to.
Wait until he gets back home before you invest anything more in the relationship, otherwise you're on a one way trip to angst.
- November 3rd, 2009, 01:17 pm
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Thanks Kevin. The problem is that I'm comparing these guys to EHG#1 once I have already met them. Most of them fail in the humor department. My humor is more of the sarcastic and twisted type. Yes, I know sarcasm is not appreciated by all but it is a major requirement in my book.
- November 3rd, 2009, 01:19 pm
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lostatsea lostatsea is offline
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gothustartus wrote :
You're feeling vulnerable because of past experiences and the guy isn't around to reassure you, but you're keeping the connection going through email so there is still a connection., Short of hopping on a plane and following him email is about all you can do, phone calls might be awkward if he's moving around a lot and changing timezones, not to mention trying to square it with the home office if he makes a lot of calls back home, foreign phonecards can take some getting used to.
Wait until he gets back home before you invest anything more in the relationship, otherwise you're on a one way trip to angst.
You are probably right about the vulnerability part. I'm not usually one to need constant reassurance, however, I certainly don't want to seem like a stalker to someone who is trying to go poof.
Last edited by lostatsea; November 3rd, 2009 at 01:33 pm.
- November 3rd, 2009, 01:22 pm
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lostatsea wrote :
Thanks Kevin. The problem is that I'm comparing these guys to EHG#1 once I have already met them. Most of them fail in the humor department. My humor is more of the sarcastic and twisted type. Yes, I know sarcasm is not appreciated by all but it is a major requirement in my book.


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- November 3rd, 2009, 01:25 pm
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Yes, I needed that poster I also need one for the "Can't cure stupid".
- November 3rd, 2009, 01:35 pm
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lostatsea wrote :
Yes, I needed that poster I also need one for the "Can't cure stupid".


as you wish...
- November 3rd, 2009, 01:45 pm
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kevin76 kevin76 is offline
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lostatsea wrote :
Yes, I needed that poster I also need one for the "Can't cure stupid".


as you wish...
Last edited by kevin76; November 3rd, 2009 at 01:47 pm. Reason: original got moded
- November 3rd, 2009, 01:46 pm
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nightling nightling is online now
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You are attaching to the outcome too soon. One date and a few emails cannot possibily be enough to know that the guy is perfect for you. There's some chemistry and some potential and that is all. His charm could yet turn out to be a mask hiding a pretty ugly face beneath.

So my advice is ... Slow down. Take your time. Look around. Be present. Be mindful of negatives in the guy that you might be glossing over. Actively seek out the dealbreakers to be sure there are none.

And ... Let the guy who works 18 hour days set the pace of the email correspondence. Otherwise he is going to start to feel stifled and you don't want that.

Reassurance ... you need to get elsewhere. Do you have a network of friends you can go out with? If you don't .. start working on one. That will get some of these validation needs met elsewhere. And as others mentioned, seek a therapist if necessary to work through these issues you may have with past relationships. It seems like you have big security issues. It's understandable, but it's not fair to burden New Guy with all of that.
Last edited by nightling; November 3rd, 2009 at 02:05 pm.
- November 3rd, 2009, 02:02 pm
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