amysnaps is offline amysnaps Post #1  October 19,2009, 11:38pm
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Ok, let me start with a brief story about me.

I was married for 18mos when my husband cheated on me. Next relationship I ignored my trust issues and decided to start fresh, only to find out I wasnt the only person he was seeing. Since then I have only had 1st dates with other men, until recently.
I met an awesome guy online in September, we really hit it off. He lives 2 hours away so we only see eachother once a week. He calls me all the time, treats me wonderfully and we get a long great. Calls me baby, kisses me perfectly. He seems to adore me. We havnt had sex yet, and he hasnt brought up the subject of excusivity. But, my real problem is I have this overwhelming feeling like he's seeing someone else. And since we arent officially 'exclusive' can I even be allowed to worry about it? I like him a lot, and I feel like maybe my past is creeping into this relationship. He is the nicest, most straight forward, cool guy I have ever gone out with. He seems honest, but how do I know? Should I wait until he brings up the 'exclusive' talk? Should I bring it up? I don't want to rush, but I also don't want him to keep acting like I'm the only person he's interested in, when maybe I'm not.
I do not want to be the jealous, anti-trusting girlfriend, is long distance ever going to work considering my past? How wonderful does he have to be, before I really know that the 6 days we're apart, he only wants to be with me.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #2  October 19,2009, 11:49pm

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Time to spend a weekend together and have a heart to heart talk about your expectations of a relationship with him and his of you as well.
To find out, if there is a middle ground that is acceptable for the two of you? You never go wrong telling the truth!

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; October 19,2009 at 11:51pm.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  October 20,2009, 4:13am
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As for distance, probably the best way to look at it is this - a cheater will cheat even if you are with him 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He will find a way. In other words you can't stop someone from being who they are. On the other hand, a person who would not cheat is not going to cheat even if the opportunity is there. So the real issue is understanding that person's core values.

This means that it's not about what he is telling you, what names he is calling you, but his deep core beliefs. You have to take a look at those and you have to understand those in order to have some kind of peace of mind about anyone.

However since you've been seeing him only since September, I disagree with Harvey and think that it's way too early to have any "relationship" discussions with him at this point. Get to know who he is better first.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #4  October 20,2009, 4:49am
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I like DancingFools post, good advice!

I'd also add, that until and unless you address your own trust issues, to whatever extent you have them, they *will* creep into every relationship you have. Slowly but surely they will. Regardless of who you're with, or what he may or may not be doing, eventually ignoring lingering trust issues of the past will poison anything you hope to have in the future.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #5  October 20,2009, 8:50am
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Definitely sounds like your past hurts are affecting your present relationships. If the two of you aren't exclusive then no you shouldn't worry about him seeing someone else.
But feelings rarely do what they should just because you tell them to. You have some deep wounds that need healing, and you will need to work on those no matter what.

Meanwhile I think both DancingFool and Harvey made good points - communicate with him, be honest, and give yourself time to know him better. In other words, don't dump your whole past and your insecurities on him all at once, but start taking little steps to let him know you're really interested. Then see where it goes from there.
After all, communication is the main part of getting to know someone, so if you're going to get to know him better you'll have to spend time with him talking to him.

You need to heal to find love, and you need love to heal. It's a hard place, and wounds that deep don't vanish overnight. Give yourself time and take small steps to recovery, one day at a time. Hope it goes well for you.
 
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