ongoing confusion - should I initiate the next step?


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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #11  October 18,2009, 6:40am
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And now for something completely different...

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I've spent a lot of time thinking the past week or two, and for me what feels right is to ask him if he'd be interested in seeing each other a little more often. Twice a week would be nice. I don't think he's going to bring the subject up, either because he's not interested in taking that step because he's just not that interested in me, or because he doesn't feel ready. I don't want to freak him out that I'm pushing this too fast, and given how slowly he's taking it that's a real possibility, but it's hard to get to know someone when you only see them for a few hours once a week.
But you'll never know until you ask, right?
Sure, there's a risk but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

At this point, he may say, "well, I'd like to keep it at this pace for a while"...but at least, you'd know.
he may say, "yeah, I've thought about it, also, and I really would like to see more of you!"

At some point, someone...has to put themselves out there, that's just the way it is.

Communication...
Communication...
Communication.
Last edited by TheThinker; October 18,2009 at 6:42am.
 
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Edmondo is offline Edmondo Post #12  October 18,2009, 8:16am
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Urgh I feel your pain.

You are seeing someone and want more but not sure if they feel the same way. Of course you don’t want to blow it but then you can’t keep going down this path. You don’t want to go out with this person for say a year and things haven’t changed.

Here are a few things you can do.

Indirect approach: You could say I was seeing someone else but I have broken it off with them. And also might say I have turned my EH profile offline or say I have closed all matches. So basically saying I am only seeing you.

Direct approach: here you are risking it all. You can ask where are we going. I mean are we going to just keep this the way it is or are we going to go deeper.

Don’t expect a answer right away. Let him think about it. The next time he may say something. If a few weeks pass and if he doesn’t say anything then you are just friends.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #13  October 18,2009, 8:50am
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If he's not interested he wouldn't keep asking you out, right? It seems he just operates at a slower pace than you would choose. You could try stepping it up by asking him out, or, let him have the pace he wants.

From your description it doesn't sound to me like he is never going to want to connect more ... just isn't there yet. I guess it's up to you whether you are willing to adjust to his pace, if he doesn't accept your asking him out for more frequent dates, and doesn't speed up on his own ... how much do you like him?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #14  October 18,2009, 9:09am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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three_eyes: What I'd suggest isn't to approach him with the topic of seeing each other twice a week every week. Rather, I suggest you only ask him to get together a second time during the week sometime next week. Just take it one week at a time....see what he thinks of getting together a second time this week....and then if he initiates anything for a 2nd date the next week etc. It feels like too much pressure to approach this as something you have to predetermine to see each other twice a week every week.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #15  October 18,2009, 9:10am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
If he's not interested he wouldn't keep asking you out, right? It seems he just operates at a slower pace than you would choose. You could try stepping it up by asking him out, or, let him have the pace he wants.

From your description it doesn't sound to me like he is never going to want to connect more ... just isn't there yet. I guess it's up to you whether you are willing to adjust to his pace, if he doesn't accept your asking him out for more frequent dates, and doesn't speed up on his own ... how much do you like him?
I am in agreement with Sassafras' advice here. It always perplexes me that women approach the desire to see a match more frequently as an issue they need to confront.

Why do you feel the need to tell him that you want to spend more time with him? It could be interpreted as a demand that has a neediness attached to it. It makes much more sense to me to invite him out yourself. Think of how much interest from you that shows. I think after a month, if you a comfortable with it, it might even be nice for you to invite him over to make dinner for him. If not, an activity of your choosing that involves a lot of time together might be a good idea (like the day date someone suggested).

If you show your interest, I don't think you will run the risk of scaring him off in the way that you could if you communicate that you want to spend more time with him--there is less likely to bet the appearance of you trying to push him into an exclusive relationship earlier than he is comfortable with.
 
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three_eyes is offline three_eyes Post #16  October 19,2009, 12:18pm
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Thanks everyone. I think it's good advice to not make a big production out of wanting to spend more time together, and just suggesting a mid-week date instead. I guess the worst that can happen is he says no. If he chooses to stop seeing me over that then there was probably an underlying problem anyway.

I agree with all of you who say that communication is the way to go, I just can't seem to find a way to broach this subject with him in a way that doesn't seem pushy or needy. I'm not either, I just like the guy!

I've come down with a cold this week so I won't be suggesting a mid-week date. I did ask him out for Friday, as he hadn't yet asked me out for this week and I have something specific in mind I'd like to do. Still waiting for a response. Hopefully things keep moving forward and if he doesn't ask to see me mid-week in the next few weeks or so, I'll be asking him. I guess I'll see where it takes me.
 
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olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #17  October 20,2009, 11:36pm
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TheThinker wrote :
But you'll never know until you ask, right?
Sure, there's a risk but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

At this point, he may say, "well, I'd like to keep it at this pace for a while"...but at least, you'd know.
he may say, "yeah, I've thought about it, also, and I really would like to see more of you!" OlneyJeeps says:he also might say "WOW! I really appreciate you taking the initiative. I really hate guessing what you are thinking"

At some point, someone...has to put themselves out there, that's just the way it is. Jeeps says: "you bet pennies, you will never win much more than pennies"

Communication...
Communication...
Communication.
I knew I should have put in for a copyright on that tag line

three_eyes wrote :
Thanks everyone. I think it's good advice to not make a big production out of wanting to spend more time together, and just suggesting a mid-week date instead. I guess the worst that can happen is he says no. If he chooses to stop seeing me over that then there was probably an underlying problem anyway.

I agree with all of you who say that communication is the way to go, I just can't seem to find a way to broach this subject with him in a way that doesn't seem pushy or needy I'm not either, I just like the guy!

I've come down with a cold this week so I won't be suggesting a mid-week date. > I did ask him out for Friday, as he hadn't yet asked me out for this week and I have something specific in mind I'd like to do. Still waiting for a response. Hopefully things keep moving forward and if he doesn't ask to see me mid-week in the next few weeks or so, I'll be asking him. I guess I'll see where it takes me.
Things (most likely) will not keep moving forward unless you do. Keep hedging your bets, and odds are he will do the same. If he's not really that into you, wouldn't you rather find out early? Here's an idea: treat him like you would like to be treated But be careful, he might just reciprocate. Most importantly,
Communicate what you want
Communicate what you are afraid of
Communicate that you will never judge him for communicating his desires, wants, needs, fears,
 
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