Would you date someone if there was absolutely no physical attraction whatsoever?


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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #41  October 19,2009, 4:55pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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zurbrj1 wrote :
It's a fact! So perhaps you need to be lowered to newbie status!
Take that, Trixie!
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #42  October 19,2009, 5:05pm
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #43  October 19,2009, 5:26pm
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Nope, physical attraction is the A #1 most important thing.
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #44  October 19,2009, 6:01pm
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jayjay wrote :
Peg...ideally you can meet a man who thinks that the way you look IS very attractive and 'turns his head'. Also, don't assume that not being very gregarious, not throwing yourself into the limelight and being a bit more reserved are unattractive traits. Some men will find these attractive (I do).
Thanks for the encouragement/support.

Just to clarify though - I do expect to find someone who thinks I am very attractive and who is attracted to me on all levels. It's just that in the past that 'attraction' hasn't been instant. I think people who are more gregarious can generate 'excitement' more quickly and easily, resulting in the other person feeling more of a spark. What I tend to generate (and look for) is less spark, but a deeper calmer more solid connection that appears over time. There's nothing wrong with that - in fact I value that - but it doesn't seem to work all that well for online dating.

Ultimately it's about finding a dating forum/approach that plays to my strengths and the type of relationship I'm looking for.
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #45  October 19,2009, 6:53pm
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mari3434 wrote :
PEG - I agree with jayjay's comments. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What matters to me is mutual chemistry with the guy I'm with- if it's lacking...how can that turn into more? It is something we cannot control - it is there or it is not. I also think we know pretty quickly whether it will exist or not. There is the reverse, where I concede that I could immediately tell a few of my matches would not create that spark for me prior to chatting or meeting (as their pictures were ).
Yes, beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder.

I'm not sure though how you're defining 'mutual chemistry' or if you're saying it has to be there pretty quickly. I probably in the minority because I don't put a lot of stock in 'chemistry'. For me, there simply has to be enough I like that I'm willing to get to know that person better.

The first guy I fell in love with was my first year in university. We both worked for the student newspaper and were around the newspaper office at the same times at least several hours a week. One day in late November (meaning we'd had casual friendly contact for nearly 3 months) we both had classes in the same direction and were walking together part of the way. He said something which made me realize he was interested in me. Until that point, the thought had never crossed my mind either way. When I considered it for a while, I thought "sure why not" and ended up falling in love with him. There was no immediate spark, no quick knowing whether there would be chemsitry. Just a gradual getting to know him and increasingly liking what I saw. I would say that the relationships I've had that I can look back on with a certain amount of fondness for the guy all had a similar beginning. The ones where there was strong 'chemistry' were much more flammable and prone to explode spectacularly.

I'm also not sure that I agree that we have no control over whether chemistry is there or not. I recently had a conversation with a good friend who was trying to change his relationship patterns. All the women he's dated have been drama queens. He got to a point where he knew he didn;t want that type of relationship, but when he met someone who wasn't a drama queen, he didn't feel any 'spark', but he still did with drama queens. He found it very interesting (and I think somewhat encouraging) when I told him that I was no longer attracted to the kinds of people I used to be. For me, I tend to feel an attraction when a person has the qualities I admire, whereas in the past I felt an attraction to people based on more unconscious reasons - the 'chemistry' is often there because that person offers us an opportunity to work out something in our life. As I have worked through those things, I have arrived at a point where that 'chemistry' doesn't seem to be there with men who lack the qualities I seek. So I feel like I have more control over it - not because I'm trying to control it - but because I'm less at the mercy of my subconscious impulses.

I also have come to believe that a certain amount of chemistry CAN in fact be 'fabricated'. There have even been articles here on eH that talk about ways to generate chemistry. Players are experts at generating that, which is why they have so much success and that's one of the reasons I'm so wary of 'chemistry' as a basis for entering into a relationship.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself properly, and I know it's a bit off topic from the initial question, but I guess I just feel pretty strongly that initial chemistry/attraction can be completely misleading.
 
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hogrally is offline hogrally Post #46  October 19,2009, 11:03pm
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Wow peg...
We have got to have a drink together and find the middle ground. I find in my work i have to judge quickly and accurately without 2nd guessing my self. Unfortunately that has carried over into my personal life. I know within 15 seconds if I am going to like you and there is not much you could do in the next 15 years to change my mind about you. I will say my yeah or nay decision has NOTHING to do with thier looks, how they are dressed, personal hygeine or the lack ther of...
It is a shoot from the hip call.
 
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Preachers_Kid is offline Preachers_Kid Post #47  October 19,2009, 11:59pm
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To me that's leading them on so no. I know i wouldn't want to be led on.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #48  October 20,2009, 5:02am
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trixie1868 wrote :
Oh, has anyone had this experience, flip side of the thread really. Have you ever closed someone down who was amazing looking with an ordinary profile because you thought you smelled a rat? You know, if it looks too good to be true, then it is?
Absolutely I have! Quite often in fact. And not really so much because I smelled a rat, or because he seemed too good to be true. Usually it was because the profile fell flat, or his end of our communications seemed... dull/lacking. I'm all about the "all around" interest.

If his picture is great, but the profile is boooooringgggg, there isn't going to be anything there that's going to make me want to contact him over the guy with the 'pretty good' picture and the amazing profile.

You know what sparks you're interest, as much as ya' know what doesn't. It's that simple.
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #49  October 20,2009, 8:30am
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So, this might be another thread, but to me there is a question to be begged....

What does everyone find attractive, that would attract them to some and not others?? Is it all based on appearance or is there more to it than that??? There's got to be right ???

For me, it's intially looks, to a certain degree, and then it has to be backed up by intelligence or it's a no go anyways. No matter how handsome the guy is, if he's not got the smarts to hold my attention, then it's over into friendville.
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #50  October 20,2009, 8:56am
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I did before. She was a coworker who worked in a different department. She laughed and smiled at everything I had said. I was not attracted to her at all. She was unlettered and kind of trashy, but nice.

I thought she was a little thick because she always wore baggy clothes and big sweatshirts. After a few dinner dates I realized she had a humongous chest and she was only 5'. I'm not surprised...It seems that most of my girlfriends have been top heavy. Perhaps they are attracted to me because I can and do, keep eye contact with everyone. But I digress...

I dated her for about a year for that only reason. There was no mutual connection, attraction and I was just fooling myself.

For me? There has to be chemistry, a great connection and some attraction.
Last edited by KungFuFtr; October 20,2009 at 9:05am.
 
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