Would you date someone if there was absolutely no physical attraction whatsoever?


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mari3434 is offline mari3434 Post #11  October 18,2009, 11:25pm
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A big resounding no! It never works. I tried that once years ago....he was well-education, friendly, gentle - all in all - a great guy. But....there was no spark. It ended quickly. Some people on here state that it is what is "inside" that counts ...but that only is applicable once there is a spark. There have been a few obese men who were matched with me. Would I date them? No. Would I consider it? No. It would not matter how great they were personality wise - there would be zero spark.
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #12  October 18,2009, 11:57pm
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If I find them unattractive, no.

But there are a lot of people in sort of a grey zone for me, where they aren't unattractive, but there isn't really an attraction right of the bat. I haven't had that experience with online dating, but in the past, I have become attracted to men who, from a purely physical standpoint, I wouldn't have found attractive.

The online dating situation is a bit weird in that there's a certain amount of pressure to make a decision fast, because if you're not attracted fairly quickly, there's the whole dilemna of whether it's fair to lead them on. The situations where I found myself attracted to someone over time were always in a context where a group of us were involved in some sort of activity - school, theatre, groups of friends - and they started off as nothing more than friendship. There wasn't that pressure to decide whether they were dating prospects.
 
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mari3434 is offline mari3434 Post #13  October 19,2009, 12:02am
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PEG099 - good point! There are some people who grow over time - usually these people are not generally unattractive - but you would not have turned your head if the person was walking past you. I think that rarely happens with online dating, as everyone is with the mindset of dating. Thus, there are expectations, whereas, your examples, both parties did not have initial expectations. It does indeed seem that there is more pressure to decide after the first date the direction you want to head in with that individual.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #14  October 19,2009, 12:09am
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i've tried. didn't work. but then again, they were unattractive to me in other ways too.
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #15  October 19,2009, 12:17am
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mari3434 wrote :
PEG099 - good point! There are some people who grow over time - usually these people are not generally unattractive - but you would not have turned your head if the person was walking past you. I think that rarely happens with online dating, as everyone is with the mindset of dating.
Exactly! And it's one of the reasons I suspect I'm not going to find my life partner on an internet dating site. I'm not unattractive, but I'm not a head-turner and I'm not a gregarious person. Looking back on my dating life, I don't know that any guy has ever felt an 'instant' spark for me. My ex-husband used to call me a people watcher, and I didn't really think of myself that way, but I've come to realize he was right. In a new situation, I tend to hang back a bit and get a sense of the people I'm meeting before really opening up. That doesn't seem to work with online dating, even though in 'real life' it's a more natural approach.

So right now I'm working on expanding my social networks to create more opportunities to meet people that I can get to know gradually.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #16  October 19,2009, 1:41am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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shoopthedoop wrote :
Gr8Guy,

I have gone on a date with a woman who was very nice, a great match, just horribly unattractive in my eyes.

I went to avoid being shallow and agree that it was only a couple of hours out of a lifetime.

I got to the date and the woman was even less physically attractive IRL than she was in her photos.

I was friendly and (I guess) good at hiding my true feelings during the meeting. When we were leaving I thanked her for her time and wished her the best of luck in her search. She looked crushed like Ralph Wiggum when Lisa told him the truth.

I don't know if it was better for me to have avoided being shallow and met this woman IRL. The look on her face tore me up inside.
Wow....what an unpleasant experience (for both of you). I wouldn't even bother going on a date with someone I found unattractive. I've gone out with quite a few women that I found moderately attractive....and that just doesn't work for me either. I need to be very physically attracted to a woman to want a long term relationship with her.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #17  October 19,2009, 1:45am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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peg099 wrote :
Exactly! And it's one of the reasons I suspect I'm not going to find my life partner on an internet dating site. I'm not unattractive, but I'm not a head-turner and I'm not a gregarious person. Looking back on my dating life, I don't know that any guy has ever felt an 'instant' spark for me. My ex-husband used to call me a people watcher, and I didn't really think of myself that way, but I've come to realize he was right. In a new situation, I tend to hang back a bit and get a sense of the people I'm meeting before really opening up. That doesn't seem to work with online dating, even though in 'real life' it's a more natural approach.
Peg...ideally you can meet a man who thinks that the way you look IS very attractive and 'turns his head'. Also, don't assume that not being very gregarious, not throwing yourself into the limelight and being a bit more reserved are unattractive traits. Some men will find these attractive (I do).
 
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mari3434 is offline mari3434 Post #18  October 19,2009, 1:56am
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PEG - I agree with jayjay's comments. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What matters to me is mutual chemistry with the guy I'm with- if it's lacking...how can that turn into more? It is something we cannot control - it is there or it is not. I also think we know pretty quickly whether it will exist or not. There is the reverse, where I concede that I could immediately tell a few of my matches would not create that spark for me prior to chatting or meeting (as their pictures were ).
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #19  October 19,2009, 3:52am
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No, I wouldn’t date someone that I found physically unattractive (or that I found physically attractive but felt no attraction toward). I would see no point in that.


[SIZE=4]I agree with Peg, there’s usually more of a grey area for me. More often than not, in the past, my attraction toward a guy was not instant. Regardless of whether I found him physically attractive initially, or he fell into that grey area, it may have taken some time for my attraction toward him to develop. In my experience, online dating hasn’t lent itself to that. I’ve always done better meeting/dating in real life, in part, because of this attraction factor.
Last edited by lucky173; October 19,2009 at 3:56am. Reason: hoping to fix formatting!
 
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lex6819 is offline lex6819 Post #20  October 19,2009, 7:31am
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Peg & JayJay are right on.

Gregarious men are often attracted to more reserved women, and vice versa. There is a natural spark of attraction between opposites.

I was reading a book recently, "Relationship Strategies" by John Kappas, that is an in-depth analysis of this type of chemistry between opposites. Kappas suggests that we are all "emotionals" & "physicals" in terms of our sexual personalities, and to varying degrees. We are attracted most strongly to our natural opposites.

For example, someone who is 60% physical and 40% emotional will be most strongly attracted to a person who is 60% emotional and 40% physical. Dr. Kappas saw this pattern repeatedly in couples he counseled in his practice.

I took the questionnaire in the back of the book, and according to the score sheet I'm 60% emotional. So, I'm searching for my natural opposite: a 60% physical.

I used to only date guys whose personalities were just like mine, but the chemistry never caught fire like I was hoping it would. No matter how compatible we were in terms of our interests and personality types, we were just too similar for there to be any real attraction or chemistry. None of these guys were ugly, some were very good-looking, but they just didn't light my fire somehow. Now I realize I've wasted DECADES of my life dating the wrong type! They were all "emotionals" like me, hence, no chemistry.

I am taking the Kappas book as my dating Bible from now on. I'm charting my cycle days (emotionals have cycles which GREATLY affect our ability to be affectionate/intimate - physicals don't, lucky devils!), as per Dr. Kappas' information on his web site at hypnosis dot edu.

I'm going to target activities and bars and social clubs that attract "physical" types of men, and I'm going to schedule dates only on my "cycle days" from now on.

My last bf was, I believe, a near perfect opposite of me, or at least he was definitely a physical: gregarious, outgoing, loves to socialize, go out dancing and to bars, etc etc. I'm the opposite. There was instant chemistry when we met.

However, as we were dating, things just didn't go smoothly, and I'm convinced it's because we were attempting intimacy/affection on days that were NOT my cycle days.

That relationship ended on a sour note, and I'm still hurting, and I miss him, but I've learned my lesson. No more dating on non-cycle days. I'm not going to let my next high-attraction relationship go down the drain like that again. It's just too difficult to meet men with whom I share that "spark". Dr. Kappas says it's a 1 in 10 chance of meeting someone with whom you share that special chemistry of attraction. So, I don't want to waste my best opportunities in future. I'm getting really, really tired of the whole serial dating scene...
 
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