Advice on nice guy I have been communicating with on EH


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mari3434 is offline mari3434 Post #11  October 13,2009, 4:13am
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Yes, he may not like me and vice versa. Or maybe we won't be mutually attracted. I guess I won't know unless we meet. I just worry that if there is mutual attraction, my hang-up may prevent it from moving further. But it all could be moot, as there may be nothing if we meet. Part of me is hesitant -if there is attraction - I still may not pursue it further. Then again, it is no different from meeting someone that has a similar lifestyle and there is no chemistry. I suppose I should be open-minded and meet him first -and then worry about the income thing if there is mutual attraction.
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #12  October 13,2009, 5:01am
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By all means go and meet the guy, but, (you knew there was a "but" coming) if you harbour doubts about this guy even before meeting him and these doubts centre around financial differences then these doubts are not going to go away. Certainly not while these differences are still there.

Despite 40+ years of womens lib and so called equality, it is still the man who is expected to be the higher earner in a relationship, in most cases.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #13  October 13,2009, 5:03am
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You are putting the cart ten miles in front of the horse and making way too many assumptions and you know what happens with assumptions, right? You have no clue who he is or what he is like or what content actually means to him or whether or not he would resent your income. Go meet the guy and see. EH is not matching you with "the one" regardless of their advertising, they are only introducing you to a stranger - it's up to you to figure out who that stranger is and whether you are actually compatible or not and you won't be able to do that via e-mails and questionaires.

Also, in every single relationship someone has to be more yielding and more giving - if you are both ambitious and 100% career oriented, it won't work out in the long run either.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #14  October 13,2009, 5:24am
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I agree with everyone else, meet him first and then see how you feel. Many women will tell you they wouldn't mind dating a man who made less money than she did, so long as (1) he treats her well, (2) he's not resentful of her superior financial status, and (3) he can financially take care of himself.

Ultimately, the only opinion that matters here is yours. Approach it with an open mind...it will be a while before income even becomes an issue (unless money becomes an issue on the first meet/date).
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #15  October 13,2009, 5:54am
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Let's say you are attracted to this guy- what's to say in the future if you do decide to have kids and stay home with them that he won't step up? what if you decide you'd rather work and he stays home? what if you lose your job and are forced to live on less? things change.

what if what if what if.

the fact is you are already thinking about dropping this guy based solely on his income, and the values and traits you've associated with that. It's a little presumptous.

Believe me, I've dated some of those -look-good-on-paper guys and it's usually ended in disaster.
 
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Edmondo is offline Edmondo Post #16  October 13,2009, 7:52am
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Well you have to step back and look at the forest through the trees and you want to look at the whole picture before making judgment.

How are you when you are together? Do you have a lot to talk about? Do you have similar interest?

What other people think is irrelevant. What is relevant is how you two feel about each other.

I have a buddy who is a house husband and basically does handy man type jobs. But he is always there for the kids.

I have gone out with women who made a lot less then me but we got along so it didn’t matter. I knew we couldn’t take off for the weekend to the Caribbean but we could have a BBQ in the back yard.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #17  October 13,2009, 8:02am
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scarlet13 wrote :
you haven't even met the guy- why are you talking about children and vacations?

i agree with Mr. Right- meet him first. maybe when he meets you he won't even like you.
Or she him.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #18  October 13,2009, 8:13am
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There has been some good advice so far. I will add this since I did not see it mentioned in the other posts.

While I don't think that one should choose mates based on money there is more to your situation than just income difference. You earn a higher income most likely because of drive and goals. This is part of your personality and values which it seems that this guy does not share. Long term success I would say is not favorable here.

However, I do have a philosophy that you should go out with almost anyone at least once.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope — Advice Member-Moderator Post #19  October 13,2009, 9:04am
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tbesq wrote :
I agree with everyone else, meet him first and then see how you feel. Many women will tell you they wouldn't mind dating a man who made less money than she did, so long as (1) he treats her well, (2) he's not resentful of her superior financial status, and (3) he can financially take care of himself.

Ultimately, the only opinion that matters here is yours. Approach it with an open mind...it will be a while before income even becomes an issue (unless money becomes an issue on the first meet/date).

I agree with this (especially the comment in bold), and have several high-earning girlfriends who married men with considerably lesser salaries. I think it's an issue that will not come into play until after you get to know each other, and an issue that you and he can come to terms with, even if having a family is one of the goals.

My closest friend in this situation married a guy who adores kids. She is having her first baby soon, and it wouldn't surprise me if he stays home with the baby after she returns to work. As a couple, they complement each other well. He's a great guy, and I hope Mari doesn't miss the opportunity to meet a similarly great guy by overthinking things. Good luck!
Last edited by lacedwithhope; October 13,2009 at 9:07am.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #20  October 13,2009, 9:22am
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Go meet him. Who knows, maybe he's a millionaire who's trying to screen out golddiggers! Right now he's just a vague internet blob, so to speak.

Going on a date is not a commitment to marry, have kids, etc. Even if finance issues end up being a reason not to marry, you might have a really nice experience with him, and learn things to take on to the next relationship.

If you fall in love, you might find yourself getting more creative about ways to work around differences like this. Would it be so bad to have a house husband taking care of the kids?

I would want to know why he's content with his job. Does he love it, even though it doesn't pay a lot? Is he serving some "higher purpose" with it? Or does he have some personality issues that prevent him from trying harder?
 
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