Romantic relationships and different forms of intimacy


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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #1  October 11,2009, 9:43pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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It has just been occurring to me recently how, while I enjoy different forms of intimacy with women, all forms of emotional intimacy don’t seem to be conducive to a romantic relationship.

I have a new female friend that I’ve been getting to know recently in a nonsexual way. We’ve gotten together a few times to talk, watch a video and have brunch (that lasts until dinner time). I do find her physically attractive, but for a number of reasons (that I won’t go into here) I don’t see any type of long term romantic relationship in the cards for us.

We’ve had some very intimate conversations about relationships, life, happiness, mortality (she had breast cancer some years ago) and other ‘deep’ topics. What I’ve noticed is that despite feeling intimate with her, in a way, after sharing what we have with each other….that this kind of intimacy doesn’t seem to inspire romantic feelings in me. As I don’t think a romantic relationship would work out for us this is probably a good thing (as I don’t want to hurt her)….yet it makes me wonder: is it an entirely different form of emotional intimacy that is conducive of a romantic and sexual relationship?

I’ve vaguely noticed this kind of thing before in the past with women I’ve had these kinds of intimate and more ‘philosophical’ discussions with, but I didn’t really put two and two together regarding the lack of romantic feelings from these until now. And on the other side of the coin…I almost never had these types of philosophical discussions with my ex wife, yet we were very close and emotionally intimate in other ways. I remember when I was married that I came to feel somewhat disappointed that I really couldn’t have these kinds of discussions with my ex….but perhaps it was an illusion to think that this might have made us closer as a romantic couple. The types of emotional intimacy that seem to inspire more romantic feelings in me are expressions of giving, caring, tenderness, gentleness etc… not ‘the meaning of life’ etc.

Do you have any thoughts on the relation between different forms of intimacy and romantic relationships? Are there types of intimacy that do or don’t make you feel romantically inclined toward someone? In part this is relevant to me because, if I meet a woman I’m interested in having a romantic relationship with, perhaps I should actually avoid the types of discussions that I don’t feel are conducive of developing romantic feelings.
Last edited by jayjay; October 11,2009 at 9:47pm.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  October 12,2009, 2:33am
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Just a wee too deep for the ol' Beagle this early in the morning, but posturizing ...

Maybe it is the difference between "having expectations" (as in the case of a romantic relationship) and "not having expectations" (as in the case of friendship)?

I kind of had this type of thing happen to me with a friend who I became romantically involved with. When we were friends, it seemed as though we could - and would - talk about everything and anything ...but when we became romantically involved, our conversatons changed and we actually started having difficulty communicating with each other.

With your friend? Even though you say you are physically attracted to her, I think the devil is in the "I won't get into" details as to why you can only see her as a friend ...and, therefore, you have no expectations of the outcome of what your discussions with her might lead to. This gives you - perhaps both of you, if she feels the same way - the freedom and legitimacy to cross over lines that likely wouldn't be crossed if you had romantic feelings for each other (or, at least, not so easily).
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  October 12,2009, 5:19am
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BikerBeagle wrote :
Just a wee too deep for the ol' Beagle this early in the morning, but posturizing ...

Maybe it is the difference between "having expectations" (as in the case of a romantic relationship) and "not having expectations" (as in the case of friendship)?

I kind of had this type of thing happen to me with a friend who I became romantically involved with. When we were friends, it seemed as though we could - and would - talk about everything and anything ...but when we became romantically involved, our conversatons changed and we actually started having difficulty communicating with each other.

With your friend? Even though you say you are physically attracted to her, I think the devil is in the "I won't get into" details as to why you can only see her as a friend ...and, therefore, you have no expectations of the outcome of what your discussions with her might lead to. This gives you - perhaps both of you, if she feels the same way - the freedom and legitimacy to cross over lines that likely wouldn't be crossed if you had romantic feelings for each other (or, at least, not so easily).
A wee bit too deep for me too
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  October 12,2009, 5:23am
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Isn't your whole long post just another dissertation on "chemistry"?

You will meet some people who are going to be just friends. Then you will meet others that, through that elusive thing called "chemistry", you will be drawn to differently and view them as a potential romantic partner.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  October 12,2009, 5:55am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Isn't your whole long post just another dissertation on "chemistry"?

You will meet some people who are going to be just friends. Then you will meet others that, through that elusive thing called "chemistry", you will be drawn to differently and view them as a potential romantic partner.
I really don't think so. I've had these types of discussions with women in the past....some that I've been romantically involved with and some I haven't...so with some of them the 'chemistry' has been there and with some it hasn't. My point is that regardless of whether I have an overall chemistry with a woman this type of intimacy doesn't seem to inspire romantic feelings in me, which in a way is a little unexpected.

Bikerbeagle...I've had these kinds of discussions with women I've been involved with in the past when the woman was the kind who enjoyed talking about these things...so it doesn't seem to be a matter of not being able to cross that line.

You wrote that when a friend previously turned into a romantic partner you started having trouble communicating. For me it just seems like a different type of communication and a different form of intimacy that inspires romantic feelings (at least in me). I'm actually wondering if I should avoid having, or at least limiting, these types of conversations with a woman I have a romantic interest in.
 
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PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #6  October 12,2009, 5:59am
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This is an issue of balance....good friendships are cerebral but good relationships are a balance of the mind and the body Geez JayJay....if you are going to analyze everything to death how are we gonna get you married off I think the one thing that kept my parents married for 44 years was the fact that every now in then my dad had the excitement of getting put in the doghouse and purposely put himself there some days. I think it's the rain making JayJay so deep and soulful this morning...too many negative ions in the air....go get your endorphins on
 
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librarybabe is offline librarybabe Post #7  October 12,2009, 6:00am
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I don't know Jayjay. The kind of emotional intimacy that you described with your friend is the kind I am looking for in romantic relationship. For one, I think it has more staying power because other things may change in a relationship, but being to relate emotionally by touching someone's mind and deepest feelings on all sorts of topics, that to me has longevity.

I hope your friend has the same feelings as you about your intimate conversations as you do. I would think having those kinds of conversations would make someone like me hope it was going to progress to something more.

I don't see why though relating to someone in deeper philosophical intimacy need prohibit the possibility of emotional/romantic intimacy that comes with the expressions of love you most appreciate: "giving, caring, tenderness, gentleness" Maybe it is just that you are afraid of losing the friendship, and so won't risk expressing other kinds of intimacy? Maybe if you start a new relationship that has the more philosophical intimacy, you should try to express the other kinds as well. I mean actively try to enjoy both kinds.

Oh well. I have to believe that both are possible in the same relationship, otherwise this is just another thing to file under "why Librarybabe is still single".
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  October 12,2009, 6:04am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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PR_Princess wrote :
This is an issue of balance....good friendships are cerebral but good relationships are a balance of the mind and the body Geez JayJay....if you are going to analyze everything to death how are we gonna get you married off I think the one thing that kept my parents married for 44 years was the fact that every now in then my dad had the excitement of getting put in the doghouse and purposely put himself there some days.
If having 'meaning of life' discussions makes me feel less romantically inclined toward a woman...what should I balance? Should I even have these discussions with a romantic partner?

OK...then you're in my doghouse! Never mind the rain and answer the question.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  October 12,2009, 6:10am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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librarybabe wrote :
I don't know Jayjay. The kind of emotional intimacy that you described with your friend is the kind I am looking for in romantic relationship. For one, I think it has more staying power because other things may change in a relationship, but being to relate emotionally by touching someone's mind and deepest feelings on all sorts of topics, that to me has longevity.

I hope your friend has the same feelings as you about your intimate conversations as you do. I would think having those kinds of conversations would make someone like me hope it was going to progress to something more.

I don't see why though relating to someone in deeper philosophical intimacy need prohibit the possibility of emotional/romantic intimacy that comes with the expressions of love you most appreciate: "giving, caring, tenderness, gentleness" Maybe it is just that you are afraid of losing the friendship, and so won't risk expressing other kinds of intimacy? Maybe if you start a new relationship that has the more philosophical intimacy, you should try to express the other kinds as well. I mean actively try to enjoy both kinds.

Oh well. I have to believe that both are possible in the same relationship, otherwise this is just another thing to file under "why Librarybabe is still single".
Thanks for sharing that....because I have wondered how this is for women, as I've never explicitly asked the women I've had these discussions with how it impacted their romantic feelings for me. And what you're saying makes sense....that it would seem to me that all forms of intimacy would inspire a better romantic relationship, but for me it doesn't seem to.

And regarding this woman it isn't that I'm afraid of losing her friendship that makes me not act or communicate in what to me are more romantically intimacy ways...it's just that I don't think such a relationship would work out for us in the long term. If I thought there was a chance...I'm one who doesn't mind risking a friendship.
 
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librarybabe is offline librarybabe Post #10  October 12,2009, 6:13am
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Jayjay, what did you say before, about what you are looking for in a relationship? I can't remember. You said something about relating intellectually or some such word as being negotiable to you. Wasn't one of your highest priorities. Maybe in that case, it would explain why these relationships don't work for you on a romantic level. I would think that it would have less to do with the conversations being a put off for you, than that these women are somehow different than the kinds that you do have romantic intimacy with. So I don't know whether you should avoid the conversations with someone you wish to be romantic with, or just not expect to find both in one woman.

I will warn you though. I have a girlfriend who recently divorced her husband because he looked for this philosophical intimacy in other women. He had what she termed emotional affairs with 5 or so different women throughout their marriage. So yeah, maybe she wasn't giving him something he needed, and maybe he is different than you. But she felt betrayed & he ultimately couldn't give up his desire to relate with a woman on this other level of intimacy. It makes me worry about trying to do without this kind of intimacy in a long term relationship.
 
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