interracial, meeting parents


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starbucks18 is offline starbucks18 Post #1  October 11,2009, 12:09pm
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I met someone on Eharmony that so far I am very happy with. He seems to be everything I have been looking for and I really enjoy spending time with him.
We are still in the begining stages of the relationship but I believe that we are headed somewhere. The time has not come for this yet, but I am nervous about him meeting my parents. I am white, he is black, and I do not think my father would be too happy about it right way.
Any advice for when this time comes?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  October 11,2009, 12:16pm
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Are you thinking about this from the perspective of getting your father to accept this partner, or making the meeting comfortable for you partner (which is where I would put the focus.)

If it is practical, I would try to have it on a neutral territory, not bring you partner to the parents’ house.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  October 11,2009, 12:28pm
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I like DLion's answer! Figure out what your concern is.

And, the neutral ground is a great idea. Simplify things.
 
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starbucks18 is offline starbucks18 Post #4  October 11,2009, 12:31pm
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At this point, my concern is more for his (my mate) comfort. I think that my dad will eventually be ok once he sees what kind of guy he is and his intentions. For right now I just want to make sure it stays pleasant.
 
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starbucks18 is offline starbucks18 Post #5  October 11,2009, 12:31pm
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and I like the neutral place idea!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  October 11,2009, 12:34pm
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Perhaps go out to eat together?

Is there a point of commonality? If they are both sports fans, perhaps a game or bar. If they are both intelluctual, a dinner which allows for conversation.
 
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starbucks18 is offline starbucks18 Post #7  October 11,2009, 12:37pm
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They both are really into music. My guy is a jazz musician. Maybe somewhere with music, so there doesn't have to be too much talking...
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #8  October 11,2009, 1:02pm
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Yes, that sounds right.

Good luck!
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #9  October 11,2009, 1:11pm
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starbucks18 wrote :
At this point, my concern is more for his (my mate) comfort. I think that my dad will eventually be ok once he sees what kind of guy he is and his intentions. For right now I just want to make sure it stays pleasant.
...not to rain on your parade, but his side of the family may not be so warm to the idea either...so be prepared for cousins, aunts/uncles, siblings and even his parents reactions. They may smile and be polite, but behind closed doors the true reactions emerge.

I am black/latina and my mother is totally against "Anglos"(who still uses that word?) and blacks/latinos "mixing" (her words) and dating. I have never brought any man home to meet her because of her outdated and racist ideas about whom should date whom, and why. That part of my life is separate and stays that way for now.

Oh yeah...her favorite catch phrase for explaining why she feels this way is "Cultural Suicide"....nice, huh?

However, the sunny side to all this is I am past the age where I need my mom's or my family's support or approval...and have not felt the need to bring any man home to meet my mom in years because I am not marriage-minded at this point, and am well past child-birthing years. Plus, most of the men I date are much older and they have grown kids and are not that effected by what family thinks of their dating choices. Thus, I can date whom I wish to, and could care less what my mom thinks. I just don't have any skewed perceptions that I can bring a man home for Thanksgiving or any holiday that is not black or latino and blindly hope for the best. When in an interracial relationship I see my family solo (my choice), or we spend time together..sans family... and that is how I handle that situation.

We may be living in the 21st century, but there are those that still hold on to the 'old ways' of thinking. You will need strength, fortitude, determination, and loads of love between the two of you to weather the possibly impending storm coming your way...and please make sure this is the 'real thing' and that the two of you aren't rushing needlessly headlong into the muck and mire. You really don't want to put yourself through all of the aggravation, and then find out later the love wasn't strong enough to withstand the opinions and hurtful comments of others. Build on your relationship and make it as strong as it can be (twice as strong)...and then do the 'meet the parents' thing.

Just some advice from someone that's BTDT....

I sincerely wish you well...Good Luck!
 
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alex751 is offline alex751 Post #10  October 11,2009, 4:32pm
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starbucks18 wrote :
I met someone on Eharmony that so far I am very happy with. He seems to be everything I have been looking for and I really enjoy spending time with him.
We are still in the begining stages of the relationship but I believe that we are headed somewhere. The time has not come for this yet, but I am nervous about him meeting my parents. I am white, he is black, and I do not think my father would be too happy about it right way.
Any advice for when this time comes?
Don't wait to tell them, start preparing now!

I have been in this situation a few times with varied reactions from then-girlfriends' parents. It's going to be important that you "prime" the folks well before actually introducing your SO to them. As someone I dated once suggested, it's important they view him as [your bf's name HERE] and not just as a "black man." Speak to your parents soon, and not just on a single occasion, but several occasions. It is in your interest to describe him as well as his accomplishments, which serves to "humanize" him.

In the long-run though, I think your father wants someone who treats his daughter with respect, (I'm assuming he does already.) and he can feel comfortable about this only with time. Allow your parents this time for adjustment and don't be overly judgmental if things don't go your way immediately.

The next thing I would advise is to keep the introduction in the nuclear family, not the extended family. That can come later when you have their support and understanding of your parents.

Tbesq offers good advice on these issues, so he may also wish to opine.

Feel free to pm me if you have additional questions.
 
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