Turned Matching Back on - Lessons learned and other thoughts


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stevex is offline stevex Post #1  October 9,2009, 2:30pm
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Let me begin with what will be what I feel a pretty long post. I have recently turned matching on eHarmony back on. Yes, that means things didn't work out with my most recent experience in the dating world. After about two months of dating her I slowed learned she wasn't really my type. Several lessons were learned here that I sadly don't think I learned in the past.

I think the first lesson, spend more time communicating before actually dating. I have spoken in the past that my preference would be a date as soon as possible and less time on the phone. The problem with this, it is far too tempting for two people to get physical early on and spend less time talking and getting to know eachother. Basically you end up with a sexual relationship, but when she or he doesn't match your sexual desires the relationship fails. I think that was one aspect.

The second aspect was simply our overall personalities, while she had a great sense of humor which is something I find very important it was a different kind of sense of humor than mine. Also, she did have a slight attitude about always having to be right which gets old very quickly. I think again, I jumped into a "relationship" before I spent enough time actually dating, another lesson learned.

I think the third thing was that for whatever reason I didn't feel a real spark. It is difficult to explain but after two months I didn't feel like she was the one. I could have continued having fun with her but felt that it was dangerous grounds to continue a relationship on that basis instead of just ending the relationship before things progressed to a point where it would have been even more painful later on down the road.

What I really feel bad about is as of recently I have started talking to a friend of mine who lives in New Jersey again. Her and I have communicated on the internet/phone for several years. We have had periods of less communication but we still remain in touch. I spoke about her in a thread on long distance relationships back in June when I wasn't seeing anyone and had plans to visit her in Jersey the last weekend of September. Now of course the last weekend of September I was seeing my now ex-girlfriend and my lady friend in Jersey and I really hadn't talked much so that kind of slipped away and never happened. Now my friend said some things via text message to me that indicated to me she was feeling some jealously. I was honest about how I felt with her remarks and asked her about it and she said "how can I be jealous of something I can't have, though I wish I was".

Lets take a time machine backwards, L. (the girl currently living in Jersey) and I started talking in 2006. We talked nearly every day and would have phone conversations that would last several hours. While those aren't extremely common anymore, when she does call we can manage to have conversations that will last several hours. Usually ending because one of us are about fall asleep. Bottom line, talking to her I do feel that spark but feel the distance issue will always be a problem. I can not afford to make many trips to to see her, I would be lucky to visit one every other month and seriously I don't believe you can have a meaningful relationship that takes place predominantly on the telephone and internet. We have discussed if after we met things went well we would find ways to see each other which would include her possibly visiting me here in Texas. I wouldn't make any rash moves to move to Jersey because she is a student and there is no telling where she will be after she finishes school. All in all it is way too early to discuss any of that. My point was to say though that I feel very close with L. and have often wished the situation were in reverse.

My friend J. told me that I simply had an issue with being happy, and that she felt that what I did was seek things that I can't have. I am not so sure that is true, but I am sure most of you are going to tell me to get a life and stop going over a woman that lives 3000 miles away. Who knows though.

So that is off my chest, I am sure there will be a lot of discussion. In the meantime I need to find some airfare to Jersey. Thinking I will stay in Newark with L. for a couple of days and then get the hostel experience after L. leaves to go back to Maryland with her family mid-way between my trip (she only has a few day window between finals and gong back home to Maryland -- I only have a few days vacation so I am taking the week of Christmas and spending the first few days with L. and the last couple of days in NYC).
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  October 9,2009, 2:43pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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stevex wrote :
...it is far too tempting for two people to get physical early on and spend less time talking and getting to know eachother. Basically you end up with a sexual relationship, but when she or he doesn't match your sexual desires the relationship fails.
What it sounds like you're saying here is a version of your not being 'sexually compatible'. That would seem like something you'd be more likely to discover only after you actually started getting physical. Wouldn't it?

I know how it feels to invest a couple months in someone...only to realize it isn't right. I think sometimes it just takes that time to really start getting to know someone and realize they aren't right for you.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #3  October 9,2009, 2:57pm
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stevex wrote :
I have spoken in the past that my preference would be a date as soon as possible and less time on the phone. The problem with this, it is far too tempting for two people to get physical early on and spend less time talking and getting to know eachother. Basically you end up with a sexual relationship, but when she or he doesn't match your sexual desires the relationship fails. I think that was one aspect.
This makes no sense to me. I don't see the cause and effect. The more you delay meeting for the first time, the less likely you are to control yourself physically? Sorry, not seeing it.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #4  October 9,2009, 3:25pm
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@jayjay -- Ironically you are right, in this instance talking longer might not have solved the problem and only dragged on things further than they should have.

@melman -- I didn't make myself clear. What I meant was, it might not be a bad idea to talk more before meeting to avoid getting physical before we have spent the necessary time communicating to see if we are a good match.

Then again, as I have said in the past. There is no science to it, and no matter what one does they risk making choices that in the end don't turn out for the better. Perhaps I should take more risks.
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #5  October 9,2009, 3:33pm
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Of course, there's always the option of meeting early and not rushing the physical side. For me there are a lot of benefits to meeting someone in person in deciding whether to pursue a relationship besides just getting physical...body language, general sense of attraction, observing their mannerisms and how they interact with other people, etc.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #6  October 9,2009, 3:33pm
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stevex wrote :
@melman -- I didn't make myself clear. What I meant was, it might not be a bad idea to talk more before meeting to avoid getting physical before we have spent the necessary time communicating to see if we are a good match.
Still not seeing your point.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #7  October 9,2009, 3:50pm
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stevex wrote :
@melman -- I didn't make myself clear. What I meant was, it might not be a bad idea to talk more before meeting to avoid getting physical before we have spent the necessary time communicating to see if we are a good match.
melman wrote :
Still not seeing your point.
He should just say 'take it slow'.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #8  October 9,2009, 3:53pm
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Well Cardguy has a point, two people can meet early on and not get physical early on. In this situation though I allowed myself to get physical too early.

Like jayjay says though, ironically what I am complaining about turned out for the better as I learned we weren't really compatible sexually.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #9  October 9,2009, 3:57pm
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stevex wrote :
In this situation though I allowed myself to get physical too early.
Which - say it with me now - had nothing to do with the timing of the first meeting. OC, email and phone are just "pretend dating". Nothing really happens one way or the other until you start meeting face-to-face.

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Like jayjay says though, ironically what I am complaining about turned out for the better as I learned we weren't really compatible sexually.
Sounds like you put the cart way, way before the horse in that regard. If you were only seeing her for 2 months, you weren't even in a "relationship" for sure, and if you were already being physical, that's your mistake and I hope you have learned something there.
Last edited by melman; October 9,2009 at 4:04pm.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #10  October 9,2009, 4:03pm
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Melman,

You are likely very correct. And sometimes it takes someone bluntly saying how it is to realize reality.

With that said, now I have to focus on if I want to attempt the long distance thing with my long time friend up north or not.
 
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