Turned Matching Back on - Lessons learned and other thoughts


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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #11  October 9,2009, 4:06pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Steve....also consider the possibility that you didn't do anything 'wrong'. Maybe what you did was exactly the right thing for you to do in that situation. Just because it took you 2 months to determine you weren't right for each other doesn't mean you necessarily should have done things differently. Sometimes it can just take that long to figure this out.
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #12  October 9,2009, 4:24pm
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jayjay wrote :
Steve....also consider the possibility that you didn't do anything 'wrong'. Maybe what you did was exactly the right thing for you to do in that situation. Just because it took you 2 months to determine you weren't right for each other doesn't mean you necessarily should have done things differently. Sometimes it can just take that long to figure this out.
I agree completely with this. Done this myself twice this year. It can take two or even three months just to figure out the realtionship just isn't right. ... and then another two or three months chatting on line and going on dates to find another one for a two or three months relationship. All this to try and find a long term girlfriend. However. Unless you try how do you know?
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #13  October 9,2009, 4:36pm

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Hi Steve,

I am sorry it did not work out for you. My take from this thread and from reading some of your other posts - I get the feeling that maybe you are just the type that likes the idea of a relationship. So much so that you are in a rush to get there. My advice is to just step back and start "dating" again. Don't be in a hurry to get to the relationship stage - that will happen naturally.

And I agree with Melman, prolonging meeting is not the way to go. And I would venture to guess in your case, it actually may cause you to become more attached to someone than you should be prior to meeting.

Good luck and sorry that you had to turn matching on again.
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #14  October 9,2009, 5:46pm
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Steve, I agree with the posters above that said that you didn't do anything wrong. If you don't try how will you know? If you learned something from it then that is a bonus.

Another thing to consider (and I have a hard time remembering myself sometimes) is that each relationship is different. They start differently and sometimes run their course differently. It may be a good idea to spend more time communicating a different way earlier but then again that might not work with the next girl.

Best of luck with L.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #15  October 9,2009, 6:44pm
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jayjay wrote :
What it sounds like you're saying here is a version of your not being 'sexually compatible'. That would seem like something you'd be more likely to discover only after you actually started getting physical. Wouldn't it?

I know how it feels to invest a couple months in someone...only to realize it isn't right. I think sometimes it just takes that time to really start getting to know someone and realize they aren't right for you.
I didn't get that at all from the OP.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #16  October 9,2009, 6:51pm
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Seems that the first part of your post relates to an inability to keep your pants zipped and / or your match to keep her panties on.

Uh, can we all say self control?

I do disagree with your premise that you should spend more time getting to know each other electronically before meeting. It is only through face to face contact and observing each other interacting with other people that you can really get to know someone. So I still believe that a meeting sooner than later is best.

As for Miss NJ I could not really tell if you have ever met her. It seems likely that you have built an electronic fantasy relationship with her.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #17  October 9,2009, 7:30pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I didn't get that at all from the OP.

That's what I thought Steve meant when he wrote:

"...but when she or he doesn't match your sexual desires the relationship fails."
 
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melman is offline melman Post #18  October 9,2009, 7:39pm
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To avoid taking anything out of context, here is the OP:

wrote :

I think the first lesson, spend more time communicating before actually dating. I have spoken in the past that my preference would be a date as soon as possible and less time on the phone. The problem with this, it is far too tempting for two people to get physical early on and spend less time talking and getting to know eachother. Basically you end up with a sexual relationship, but when she or he doesn't match your sexual desires the relationship fails. I think that was one aspect.

The second aspect was simply our overall personalities, while she had a great sense of humor which is something I find very important it was a different kind of sense of humor than mine. Also, she did have a slight attitude about always having to be right which gets old very quickly. I think again, I jumped into a "relationship" before I spent enough time actually dating, another lesson learned.

I think the third thing was that for whatever reason I didn't feel a real spark. It is difficult to explain but after two months I didn't feel like she was the one.


I think we have agreed that a relationship doesn't go physical/etc. just because you didn't spend enough time in OC. As Gr8Guy said, there seems to have been a lack of good old-fashioned self-control.

But I don't think that was the major problem. His second and third reasons (not a good personality match, and no "spark") are the real root issues.

I don't think this was really a "relationship". It was a few dates, with the additional complication of getting too physical too soon. Two months into anything is way too soon to be thinking about physical compatibility. It's just too early. Live and learn.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #19  October 9,2009, 8:04pm
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Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work out.

I agree with the other guys, that postponing meeting someone in person doesn't seem to help. They're still on their best behavior and a little too controlled in their communications. People don't usually loosen up until you meet in person.

My standard length of "relationship" is usually about 3 weeks. I guess I make guys comfortable enough to be their true obnoxious selves in that amount of time. Personally, I'd rather meet and find out early, as opposed to wasting time communicating with an image someone is trying to project.

Ending the relationship doesn't mean either of you "failed". It just means you weren't a good match. Don't stress.

No clue on the other girl. I've never done a LDR before.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #20  October 9,2009, 8:09pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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chawks64 wrote :
My standard length of "relationship" is usually about 3 weeks. I guess I make guys comfortable enough to be their true obnoxious selves in that amount of time. Personally, I'd rather meet and find out early, as opposed to wasting time communicating with an image someone is trying to project.
If you can get men to show you their real selves within 3 weeks this is a good thing...even though it might not feel like it when they're real self is obnoxious.
 
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