Won't Introduce me to Family...


Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
StupidCupid is offline StupidCupid Post #1  October 8,2009, 8:25pm
StupidCupid's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 3

See profile

I met a guy online about a year and half ago.....
We've been talking almost every day since, and he finally came to see me last week for 5 days.
Before we met, we were both very interested in each other romantically, and pretty much both said that if we hit it off in person, we would want to take the relationship further.
We both had a blast, and he told me he didn't want me to be with anyone else, and that he doesn't want to be with anyone else.

We're planning on me flying to his state in 5 months time, but the issue is he doesn't want me to meet his family.
When he was here, I introduced him to my Mom, my sister, my friends and co-workers.

I know from past stories his family is very dysfunctional, and I wasn't sure I even wanted to meet them. But the fact that he said to me "I'm scared for you to meet my Mom, I don't want you to" really made me feel bad about myself.

I am a bigger "ethnic" girl, and his past girlfriends were all skinny blondes. He said "You know I don't care about your weight and that I love you, but I'm nervous about what my mother would have to say about it. I know if you go and meet her, she'll make you feel very uncomfortable, and that you'll get mad at me for not doing anything, and that it'll just end up a big mess with you upset with me. Then my family might say things about the way you look, and that I'd get mad at them, and that'd just cause more drama between us. I just want you to come this time and not have to worry about all that...I just want us both to enjoy your visit"

Now, it should be mentioned that he's having a very hard time with his family right now bc of issues going on that have nothing to do with me...just a lot of drama with his family right now.

I couldn't help it, and I told him that it really bothered me that he didn't want to introduce me to his family, and that they didn't even know I existed in the capacity that I do...he got mad and said

"Why are you doing this? I thought you said if we met you'd relax and now it's like all you're doing is pressuring me to make future decisions that are months away! It hasn't even been a week yet for crying out loud! If you're trying to freak me out and push me away, you're doing a bang up job! Between you, my mom and my brother I think I'm going to snap and lose it!"

Am I being unreasonable about this? Should I not let it bother me, and be more understanding about whatever's going on in his family right now? Or is he ashamed of me, and not wanting to commit to me or make me more "real" in his life?
 
  Reply With Quote
GEF2 is offline GEF2 Post #2  October 11,2009, 6:49am
GEF2's Avatar

hopes for better weather.

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2009

Posts: 377

See profile

You definitely have a right to be bothered by this. The fact that he doesn't want you to meet his family means that he is not serious about you-despite what he's telling you. Actions speak louder than words. It doesn't matter how f'd up his family is-he is not protecting you by not introducing you to them. So, does this mean that if you end up with this guy that you will never ever meet them? don't make excuses for him. If you're going to be a serious couple, you're going to have to meet them eventually. I think you have every right to be insulted. If it were me, I would 'pull back' from him and really think about how much he really cares about me. It sounds like not too much.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  October 11,2009, 7:03am
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

You seem to be new around here so I'll introduce you to the conventional wisdom....that you shouldn't wait 1 1/2 years 'getting to know' someone online before meeting in person. By waiting that long you invest a very large amount of yourself, your emotions, and time...without knowing if you'll even like each other. I suggest that you think of your situation the following way. When he came to visit you had your first date. Or maybe 5 dates since he was there for 5 days. If you go to visit him that will be your 6th date. That's hardly a lot of time spent together. Also...I'm not likely to be introducing a woman to my family on a 6th date.
 
  Reply With Quote
TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  October 11,2009, 7:04am
TheThinker's Avatar

Just what you want to be...you will be in the end

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2009

The Island of Rhode

Posts: 6,422

See profile

wrote :
I met a guy online about a year and half ago.....
I know this phrase is becoming more and more accepted, but...
You don't meet anyone online...you meet someone in person.

Think of how weird that phase would be if you substituted the word "phone" for "online"??
"We met on the phone..."

Uh..no you didn't.

Anyway...
Maybe his mom is a weirdo? I don't necessarily see it as reflection of him.
I've known many good people who have screwed up mothers, or dads(my ex was one of them)
I never held it against them.
Maybe sit down with him, listen to what he says and hopefully you guys can agree to put it off a little until,when he finally feels comfortable with it, he's ready for you to meet Betty Davis, er...his mother...

After all....you two just met.
Last edited by TheThinker; October 11,2009 at 7:08am.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  October 11,2009, 7:08am
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,659

See profile

You can choose your friends, you can’t choose your family.

In my opinion, if a person avoids his or her family due to dysfunction or differences in values, that is a fine choice, and dating partners gain nothing by trying to insert themselves into that dynamic.

One interpretation of your post is that he has one or more racist family members, and has elected not to associate with them, or expose you to that. I would do the same. In something like this, I think he is right.

If the issue is more about your appearance being something he is ashamed to be seen with, that is a separate, unrelated problem, which will continue to come up until you correct it, or he comes to terms with it. Not a good start.

Then we have the whole problem about whatever situation caused 1.5 years delay to meet?
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  October 11,2009, 7:19am
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,659

See profile

GEF2 wrote :
The fact that he doesn't want you to meet his family means that he is not serious about you-despite what he's telling you.

No, it doesn’t. If he is close to his family, then it a concern. If he is not, then this is simply a fact in his life that implies nothing (unless you keep in the back your mind that a dating partner’s family represents a reserve of economic and social support, from which you may eventually draw, should the need arise. In this case, he may not have that reserve.)

It is not that uncommon that a person has at least one parent who is intolerant of racial, theological, or cultural differences in an offspring’s partner; or exhibits behavior problems, such as alcoholism or abusiveness. Any of these are legitimate reasons to maintain one’s distance.

GEF2 wrote :
I think you have every right to be insulted.

Actually, he has a right to be insulted that she is looking past him and attempting to use his family as proxy data to get to know him.

She should judge him for him, for his choices, and most importantly for how he treats her, not for family over which he has no control.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  October 11,2009, 7:33am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

I can't begin to list the red flags I see in your post.

Waiting 1 1/2 years to meet in person when you are supposedly building a romantic relationship. It is not like we are living in the early 1800s and you have to spend months traveling across country in a stagecoach. All what jayjay said.

On the first meeting he wants to be exclusive and you are not going to see each other for another 5 months. Big red flag.

His dysfunctional family? Now I may be reading a bit between the lines here but it would seem that the rest of his family gets along with each other and he gets along with none of his family Maybe it is he that is on dysfunctional?

Families that have drama to the extent that someone is going to talk about it and not want to introduce you to their family make drama an everyday part of their life. I don't want to have that in my life, do you?

Since you have nothing in your profile here it is hard to tell, but I suspect that you are young. You need to spend a lot of time dating people that you can actually meet on a very regular basis in person.
 
  Reply With Quote
clearlyoblique is offline clearlyoblique Post #8  October 11,2009, 7:34am
clearlyobliqu…'s Avatar

is retiring

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 2,719

See profile

The guys have it covered here.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  October 11,2009, 7:38am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
No, it doesn’t. If he is close to his family, then it a concern. If he is not, then this is simply a fact in his life that implies nothing (unless you keep in the back your mind that a dating partner’s family represents a reserve of economic and social support, from which you may eventually draw, should the need arise. In this case, he may not have that reserve.)

It is not that uncommon that a person has at least one parent who is intolerant of racial, theological, or cultural differences in an offspring’s partner; or exhibits behavior problems, such as alcoholism or abusiveness. Any of these are legitimate reasons to maintain one’s distance.

...
While I won't dispute that you have the choice to not be close to your family. If one is not close to any of their family while the rest of the family is close to each other then where is the problem likely to lie? With the person who is distant from all his family not the rest of the family.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  October 11,2009, 7:39am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

clearlyoblique wrote :
The guys have it covered here.
Don't see how, we are certainly not in consensus on this.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« The Rain Check | Dating | Monday November 16th weekend / date roundup! »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Is talking to his family about every problem an issue? Peaches80 Relationships 17 January 28,2011 3:54am
Guys - when u introduce her to your family and best friends what does it mean? soawesome Relationships 14 December 1,2009 7:01pm
Love me, love my family, is this just his pattern? harasarah Relationships 12 August 26,2009 12:39pm
My girlfriend wants to spend more time with her family than me anymore. Iceman696941 Relationships 7 August 12,2009 10:07pm
His family won't include me sbrae Ask a Dating Expert 10 July 9,2009 7:43pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Ingy - I'm not sure what you're reading, but I've consistently said he was totally my type. Yes, I have said he wasn't a looker, but I have also said I was relatively certain I would warm to him ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“OP, do you have celiac disease? If not, I hate to burst your bubble but there's no health benefit to giving up gluten. Gluten is problematic only to people who have reactions to it, and you'd know ... ” –  jimmyh452

Join the “Living Without....” discussion

“ Most folks don't want to see matches that don't fit within their preferences. I know I didn't. That's why they set their preferences! ” –  FairOne

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Yeah, this article was pretty disgusting. Not surprising how many women try to justify such tactics. The woman in the article clearly cares more about getting married than about who she marries. A ... ” –  jimmyh452

Join the “How to Get the Proposal You Want...Without Asking For It” discussion

“LOL....Yet another thread started by a "newbie" who is gone after one post just to rile up the community.....” –  Ingytravel

Join the “who pays?” discussion

“ I did try to follow a comic book series once. It was called Starfire and she had a costume change due to her outfit being caught on a nail. It was similar to something that people found ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Avengers” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:57pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0