Closure after a breakup?????


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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #1  October 2,2009, 10:44am
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A friend of mine was sharing with me that she was sending an email to a guy she had been dating after he disappeared. She said it was for her benefit and closure. It got me to thinking that I have never heard a guy say he needed closure after a relationship! That doesn't mean that guys don't need it - maybe they have a different term for it.

So my question is - is "closure" a female requirement only? Also, how far invested in a dating relationship do you have to be to need "closure"? What does closure mean to you - is it saying how you feel, wishing the other party the best.....?


As for myself, I have only had two relationships that I felt I needed "closure" from afterwards. For me that was sending a final email or letter saying how I felt (and how I was hurt by his actions in one instance) and genuinely wishing him the best. To me I can't have closure without the last part and really meaning it.

One final note - It seems to be the person who was broken up with usually is the one that needs the closure. The one doing the breaking up never seems to need to find that peace that closure can bring.
Last edited by yoga_gal; October 2,2009 at 10:51am.
 
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smileatjen is offline smileatjen Post #2  October 2,2009, 10:52am
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I used to think closure was important. Actually for me, the definition of closure has changed. I don't need to know why he didn't call or reach out to me to let me know why he doesn't want to date. I just have to move on inside of me. And close the fact that I don't need to hear why things didn't work out, but need to figure out for me what I want in my life. I used to send final emails etc., but the person usually doesn't really care about the other person's feelings only that it was easy for them. They made their decision and didn't care to communicate it in a non-cowardly way.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  October 2,2009, 10:52am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I don't need it. Or, perhaps it's more accurate to say that the type of closure I need (if one can call it that) is simply getting over the relationship emotionally. That doesn't require any type of contact with the woman.

Even if she was the one who wanted to stop seeing me I have no need to analyze or figure out 'why' or to find this out from her. It doesn't really matter to me 'why'.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  October 2,2009, 11:35am
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smileatjen wrote :
I used to think closure was important. Actually for me, the definition of closure has changed. I don't need to know why he didn't call or reach out to me to let me know why he doesn't want to date. I just have to move on inside of me. And close the fact that I don't need to hear why things didn't work out, but need to figure out for me what I want in my life. I used to send final emails etc., but the person usually doesn't really care about the other person's feelings only that it was easy for them. They made their decision and didn't care to communicate it in a non-cowardly way.
I agree with this, as my view on 'closure' have changed over the years.

Now I think of closure as being overrated. I don't really need it.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #5  October 2,2009, 11:55am
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jayjay wrote :
I don't need it. Or, perhaps it's more accurate to say that the type of closure I need (if one can call it that) is simply getting over the relationship emotionally. That doesn't require any type of contact with the woman.

Even if she was the one who wanted to stop seeing me I have no need to analyze or figure out 'why' or to find this out from her. It doesn't really matter to me 'why'.
+1 on both counts.

There is always emotion involved in ending a relationship. I see closure as a (usually) futile attempt at rationally analyzing an emotional decision.

Can someone honestly tell you why they aren't 'feeling' it for you anymore?
 
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islandrain80 is offline islandrain80 Post #6  October 2,2009, 12:05pm
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It was important for me. A guy I was really into didn't want to make time for me, and turned out not to be interested 'at this time'. So I sent an email, said a piece of my mind (but kept it decent). It really helped the process of getting over him a little easier. He never replied, but I said what I wanted to.
 
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trackstar is offline trackstar Post #7  October 2,2009, 12:13pm
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Oh, this makes me laugh. My ex-fiance definitely does not fit your mold. He broke up with me three weeks before our wedding. Yet, he is the one who wants and is still seeking "closure," months and months after the fact. Actually, he has sent me the same e-mail, with the subject line "closure" three times now. . .

I have no need to end things on a friendly note, spending hours talking about the whys and wherefores and how we're both really great people who just don't work together. Barf. I'm happier without him. That's all I need to know.
 
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Glider_Pilot is offline Glider_Pilot Post #8  October 2,2009, 4:17pm
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I used to believe in 'closure', but as time passed and I watched what happened with myself and people who tried to get 'closure', I realized something.

Wanting 'closure' is just another form of hanging on to the relationship. Seven times out of ten, the 'closure' discussion turns into an attempt to refute the reasons that the breakup happened, to 'undo' the breakup. And the other three times out of ten seem to turn into a a way of getting even - "Here's all the things I've decided I don't like about you. So there for hurting me!", or "I've found somebody else, and here's all the ways he/she is better than you..." In my mind, 'getting even' means you're still hanging on to the relationship. If you really didn't care anymore, why would you feel the need to get even?

It's very astute of the OP to note that it's the person who was dumped that usually feels the need for 'closure.' The person who initiated the breakup has already moved on once it's done. The relationship is over for them. That difference in behavior clarifies what's going on with the other person - the 'dumpee' - fairly explicitly.

When you've been dumped, give it up and move on. He/she is gone. However good you thought it was, there was some flaw with the relationship that was so serious that this person you used to respect decided that it wasn't going to work. Isn't that 'closure' enough?
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Ketril is offline Ketril Post #9  October 2,2009, 4:25pm
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My last two serious relationships both ended badly. The first one was a 7 year long distance relationship where she had fallen in love with someone else. Closure for me was realizing that the relationship had outlived it's purpose and any opportunity to change it into something more had long since passed.

My last relationship lasted about 2 years with us living together for about a year and a half. We both loved each other, or at least I think we did. But she became abusive towards me over time and reality just sucks some times, you know? So I had to leave, multiple times before it was for good. She contacted me a couple of months later wanting to try to salvage things. I probably shouldn't have, but I opened the door a little to her. It was a mistake and we both just ended up hurting each other again. The funny thing is that I think it gave her closure as she got married to some new guy about 8 months later. Meanwhile, I'm still recovering from it. Go figure.

Anyway, I tend to believe that while the idea of closure is nice, thinking you can get it from anyone other than yourself is a myth. I can accept that I have been wronged, but I will rarely be ok with it. I agree with others here who say it is figuring out how to emotionally become ok with what has happened and move on.

Maybe closure is getting a chance to express your feelings about how you were hurt. Maybe it is removal of self doubt by hearing the other person say you didn't deserve how they mistreated you. Maybe it is coming to grips with or getting confirmation that the painful decision to end things was the right thing to do. All of these thing, while maybe having an external component, are taking care of an internal emotional turmoil. Closure for me, is quelling that turmoil in whatever way I can. I'm still figuring that out for my last relationship even though I was the one that ended it.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #10  October 2,2009, 4:58pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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My last relationship ended messily. I couldn't even say for sure which one of us finished it, I think we argued so much that we simultaneously realised that we could never make a go of it and so broke contact.

Having said that, for a long time I wanted him to 'explain' to me what had been going on in his head. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to contact him and 'explain' what had been going on in mine.

You could argue that getting 'feedback' or an evaluation from a past lover can help you have healthier future relationships but since "closure" correspondence tends to be sent or received with hurt what clear conclusions can you draw from it?

Luckily, in a final and sadly out of character act of kindness, my ex and I both managed to resist the need to inform each other of our misgivings. As a couple we simply didn't work. I knew it. He knew it. What further clarification can you have?
 
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