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alex751 alex751 is offline
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I'm a university professor and am curious as to what the experiences of other academics have been with online dating.

I tried online dating a few years ago and often found it awkward either being matched up with students or accidentally contacting them. The most embarrassing situation occurred when a student I contacted approached me at the end of the semester expecting to date, after I made it clear my contacting her was a mistake. I never date students, so this was a non-starter.

What's your experience? Is it different for men as opposed for women? Do share.
Last edited by alex751; November 18th, 2009 at 07:23 pm.
- September 29th, 2009, 06:49 am
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Hi Alex,

I just got out of a relationship with a professor so maybe my experience can shed a little light on the situation.

She moved to my hometown for a tenure-track position late this spring.

I've achieved a relatively high level of education (two master's and a professional accounting designation) so I didn't find her intimidating at all.

We had some common experiences, moving a lot for work/school reasons and I did have an unsuccessful stint in a PhD program. We also had common interests in travel, music, dining out and movies.

I was intrigued when we were matched on eH and things went very well to start. We got serious very quickly at her insistence, but it fizzled out pretty quickly.

I thought that dating a professor would make her open to debate and discussion. We had some similar tastes in literature, but some differences of opinion. The same was in politics. I found it difficult because when these differences came up she wasn't open to debate, but she closed the debate after strongly expressing her view.

When she dumped me two of the four things she stated were my not liking the writing of her favourite author and our divergent political views. I felt this was unfortunate because if she had taken the time to really discuss the politics she would have seen I was a lot closer to her views than she was able to see by cutting of the debate as she did.

Not sure if this is helpful for you, but it might be...
- September 29th, 2009, 08:19 am
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I would have nothing against dating a professor. I have been matched with a couple yet they seem to not be interested in dating me. I may see in your post why. My BSE just is not important enough to them.

It would seem that you must be rather young if you are being matched to your students. This does seem to present a problem that most of us would not face.
- September 29th, 2009, 09:35 am
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librarybabe librarybabe is offline
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alex751 wrote :
I'm a university professor and am curious as to what the experiences of other academics have been with online dating.

I tried online dating a few years ago and often found it awkward either being matched up with students or accidentally contacting them. The most embarrassing situation occurred when a student I contacted approached me at the end of the semester expecting to date, after I made it clear my contacting her was a mistake. I never date students, so this was a non-starter.

The other issue that comes up is that women sometimes express being intimidated communicating with professors, so I tend to stick with dating a limited pool of professors and physicians.

What's your experience? Is it different for men as opposed for women? Do share.
I feel for you, and I doubt you are alone in your dilemma. I found it rather ironic that the most common job that I find in my eH matches is college professor. It is ironic in that IRL they are the only guys my own age I meet on a daily basis, but I have refused to consider them as dating prospects because I am taking classes at the college where I work. I have pursued a few matches who were profs at other colleges, but I did wonder if our difference in education level would be problematic. Never reached the point of dating any, so I don't know.

I can't imagine how embarrassing it must be to you to be matched with students from your own university. That may be the one legitimate reason I can see to not allowing anyone to see your photo until a later stage of communication. Even if a student/match was quick enough to know they had been matched with one of the faculty from her college, at least she wouldn't know which one, unless you have an unusual first name.

Too bad you can't limit distance to not include your own area!
- September 29th, 2009, 10:58 am
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librarybabe librarybabe is offline
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You can limit your preferences by education level. I know it may feel snooty if you don't really care, but it would at least eliminate the undergrad population of your college and make it less likely your dates would be intimidated.

It can be changed under "my settings > background & beliefs"
Last edited by librarybabe; September 29th, 2009 at 11:02 am. Reason: more info.
- September 29th, 2009, 10:59 am
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Obviously it is unethical to date someone who is currently your student. Most of the universities I've been to expressly forbid instructors from dating those they are currently giving grades to, but not other students at the university who are not in their classes. For many professors students are also too young for them anyway...but in that case they're no different than other non student matches who are outside their age criteria.

I recently dated another faculty member who I met IRL...and another faculty member just contacted me via another dating site. One thing in the message from this faculty member was....she seemed to be intentionally trying to be 'witty'. I didn't especially care for that...but it didn't put me off from writing back to her.

When I meet women I try to make sure they get to see that I'm a 'down to earth' kind of guy, despite being a professor. My head isn't stuck in the clouds, nor am I the kind of person who looks down on others with very little education. Like when I recently gave a woman my phone number by giving her my business card I was a little worried that my job title might put her off as it seemed likely she might not have gone to college at all...but in the end she didn't seem to be put off by it.

Another aspect of dating and relationships for professors is the fact that we basically have to live where we find a job. We can't just simply decide to move to a new city and find a job there. This can have potential implications for relationships....and this is further complicated if two academics are trying to make a relationship work. In the end I'm pretty reluctant to get involved with another academic, for a number of reasons.
- September 29th, 2009, 11:20 am
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alex751 wrote :
I'm a university professor and am curious as to what the experiences of other academics have been with online dating...The other issue that comes up is that women sometimes express being intimidated communicating with professors, so I tend to stick with dating a limited pool of professors and physicians.

What's your experience? Is it different for men as opposed for women? Do share.
I have dated and are friends with a few (male ) college professors. I admire them, but I am not intimated by them. In my 20+ year career in healthcare I have dated two patients -- both times they initiated things. Overall, I wouldn't recommend it unless their medical care is transferred to another practitioner first (it's similar to the student/instructor thing). But the professor thing is cool by me.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; September 29th, 2009 at 11:31 am. Reason: Ironically, I get contacted by a lot of students on Match. Hmmmm.
- September 29th, 2009, 11:27 am
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alex751 alex751 is offline
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librarybabe wrote :
I can't imagine how embarrassing it must be to you to be matched with students from your own university. That may be the one legitimate reason I can see to not allowing anyone to see your photo until a later stage of communication. Even if a student/match was quick enough to know they had been matched with one of the faculty from her college, at least she wouldn't know which one, unless you have an unusual first name.

Too bad you can't limit distance to not include your own area!
I am older now and also teach less but do more research, so the problem of being matched with students is less onerous. However, it does still occur. My minimum age requirement is 28, and there are graduate students meeting that criterion.

For that particular incident, I quickly informed the dean of the situation on the outside chance there might be a future dispute regarding end-of-course grading.
- September 29th, 2009, 11:33 am
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I would date a college professor. I have been match with some college professors. I never heard back from them, or I was turned down. I think I should change or put I have a BA, and I will be working towards a graduate degree. I think some college professor limit their pool, but there are individuals just as smart with lesser degrees. Now, you do not want to be match with a student at your own school. In fact, I am positive you cannot date a student at your university haha. Keep your options open, and be willing to talk to people. Once you get to Open Communication, you will be able to tell if you can at least talk to them.
- September 29th, 2009, 11:35 am
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To the OP--Perhaps you are younger than I am or have your age set for a really wide range. I never worried about being matched with a student because they are all too young by around 10 years to the lower limit I set for eH. That or requiring a completed degree might be a good way to filter out any students (as someone else recommended above).

I also had listed "education" for my occupation rather than being very specific. When matches who had contacted me asked me more about my job, they didn't seem to be scared off by me being a university professor.

I have in the past mainly dated within the university setting and married another academic. That was purely because of the environment I was in and the only people I was meeting were in academia. With eH, the possibilities are so much more, and I was matched with very few men who were similarly employed in a college or university. I think you should try to expand your dating pool, even if it means being a little less specific in your profile--you can always elaborate later once someone has decided that they'd like to more about you, and they are less likely to be intimidated by something like your job title.
- September 29th, 2009, 11:42 am
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