Dating as a college professor?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
alex751 is offline alex751 Post #1  September 29,2009, 5:49am
alex751's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2009

Midwest

Posts: 122

See profile

I'm a university professor and am curious as to what the experiences of other academics have been with online dating.

I tried online dating a few years ago and often found it awkward either being matched up with students or accidentally contacting them. The most embarrassing situation occurred when a student I contacted approached me at the end of the semester expecting to date, after I made it clear my contacting her was a mistake. I never date students, so this was a non-starter.

What's your experience? Is it different for men as opposed for women? Do share.
Last edited by alex751; November 18,2009 at 6:23pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #2  September 29,2009, 7:19am
shoopthedoop's Avatar

is happy with the way things are going!

Enthusiast

Joined: Jul 2009

Edmonton

Posts: 915

See profile

Hi Alex,

I just got out of a relationship with a professor so maybe my experience can shed a little light on the situation.

She moved to my hometown for a tenure-track position late this spring.

I've achieved a relatively high level of education (two master's and a professional accounting designation) so I didn't find her intimidating at all.

We had some common experiences, moving a lot for work/school reasons and I did have an unsuccessful stint in a PhD program. We also had common interests in travel, music, dining out and movies.

I was intrigued when we were matched on eH and things went very well to start. We got serious very quickly at her insistence, but it fizzled out pretty quickly.

I thought that dating a professor would make her open to debate and discussion. We had some similar tastes in literature, but some differences of opinion. The same was in politics. I found it difficult because when these differences came up she wasn't open to debate, but she closed the debate after strongly expressing her view.

When she dumped me two of the four things she stated were my not liking the writing of her favourite author and our divergent political views. I felt this was unfortunate because if she had taken the time to really discuss the politics she would have seen I was a lot closer to her views than she was able to see by cutting of the debate as she did.

Not sure if this is helpful for you, but it might be...
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  September 29,2009, 8:35am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 18,864

See profile

I would have nothing against dating a professor. I have been matched with a couple yet they seem to not be interested in dating me. I may see in your post why. My BSE just is not important enough to them.

It would seem that you must be rather young if you are being matched to your students. This does seem to present a problem that most of us would not face.
 
  Reply With Quote
librarybabe is offline librarybabe Post #4  September 29,2009, 9:58am
librarybabe's Avatar

is Mrs. Rix! At last!

Enthusiast

Joined: Mar 2009

living a dream in the Northwest

Posts: 677

See profile

alex751 wrote :
I'm a university professor and am curious as to what the experiences of other academics have been with online dating.

I tried online dating a few years ago and often found it awkward either being matched up with students or accidentally contacting them. The most embarrassing situation occurred when a student I contacted approached me at the end of the semester expecting to date, after I made it clear my contacting her was a mistake. I never date students, so this was a non-starter.

The other issue that comes up is that women sometimes express being intimidated communicating with professors, so I tend to stick with dating a limited pool of professors and physicians.

What's your experience? Is it different for men as opposed for women? Do share.
I feel for you, and I doubt you are alone in your dilemma. I found it rather ironic that the most common job that I find in my eH matches is college professor. It is ironic in that IRL they are the only guys my own age I meet on a daily basis, but I have refused to consider them as dating prospects because I am taking classes at the college where I work. I have pursued a few matches who were profs at other colleges, but I did wonder if our difference in education level would be problematic. Never reached the point of dating any, so I don't know.

I can't imagine how embarrassing it must be to you to be matched with students from your own university. That may be the one legitimate reason I can see to not allowing anyone to see your photo until a later stage of communication. Even if a student/match was quick enough to know they had been matched with one of the faculty from her college, at least she wouldn't know which one, unless you have an unusual first name.

Too bad you can't limit distance to not include your own area!
 
  Reply With Quote
librarybabe is offline librarybabe Post #5  September 29,2009, 9:59am
librarybabe's Avatar

is Mrs. Rix! At last!

Enthusiast

Joined: Mar 2009

living a dream in the Northwest

Posts: 677

See profile

You can limit your preferences by education level. I know it may feel snooty if you don't really care, but it would at least eliminate the undergrad population of your college and make it less likely your dates would be intimidated.

It can be changed under "my settings > background & beliefs"
Last edited by librarybabe; September 29,2009 at 10:02am. Reason: more info.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  September 29,2009, 10:20am
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

Obviously it is unethical to date someone who is currently your student. Most of the universities I've been to expressly forbid instructors from dating those they are currently giving grades to, but not other students at the university who are not in their classes. For many professors students are also too young for them anyway...but in that case they're no different than other non student matches who are outside their age criteria.

I recently dated another faculty member who I met IRL...and another faculty member just contacted me via another dating site. One thing in the message from this faculty member was....she seemed to be intentionally trying to be 'witty'. I didn't especially care for that...but it didn't put me off from writing back to her.

When I meet women I try to make sure they get to see that I'm a 'down to earth' kind of guy, despite being a professor. My head isn't stuck in the clouds, nor am I the kind of person who looks down on others with very little education. Like when I recently gave a woman my phone number by giving her my business card I was a little worried that my job title might put her off as it seemed likely she might not have gone to college at all...but in the end she didn't seem to be put off by it.

Another aspect of dating and relationships for professors is the fact that we basically have to live where we find a job. We can't just simply decide to move to a new city and find a job there. This can have potential implications for relationships....and this is further complicated if two academics are trying to make a relationship work. In the end I'm pretty reluctant to get involved with another academic, for a number of reasons.
 
  Reply With Quote
lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  September 29,2009, 10:27am
lacedwithhope's Avatar

loves the word "queeved..."

Volunteer Community Leader

Joined: Aug 2008

At the left coast

Posts: 7,333

See profile

alex751 wrote :
I'm a university professor and am curious as to what the experiences of other academics have been with online dating...The other issue that comes up is that women sometimes express being intimidated communicating with professors, so I tend to stick with dating a limited pool of professors and physicians.

What's your experience? Is it different for men as opposed for women? Do share.
I have dated and are friends with a few (male ) college professors. I admire them, but I am not intimated by them. In my 20+ year career in healthcare I have dated two patients -- both times they initiated things. Overall, I wouldn't recommend it unless their medical care is transferred to another practitioner first (it's similar to the student/instructor thing). But the professor thing is cool by me.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; September 29,2009 at 10:31am. Reason: Ironically, I get contacted by a lot of students on Match. Hmmmm.
 
  Reply With Quote
alex751 is offline alex751 Post #8  September 29,2009, 10:33am
alex751's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2009

Midwest

Posts: 122

See profile

librarybabe wrote :
I can't imagine how embarrassing it must be to you to be matched with students from your own university. That may be the one legitimate reason I can see to not allowing anyone to see your photo until a later stage of communication. Even if a student/match was quick enough to know they had been matched with one of the faculty from her college, at least she wouldn't know which one, unless you have an unusual first name.

Too bad you can't limit distance to not include your own area!
I am older now and also teach less but do more research, so the problem of being matched with students is less onerous. However, it does still occur. My minimum age requirement is 28, and there are graduate students meeting that criterion.

For that particular incident, I quickly informed the dean of the situation on the outside chance there might be a future dispute regarding end-of-course grading.
 
  Reply With Quote
whatalife1683 is offline whatalife1683 Post #9  September 29,2009, 10:35am
whatalife1683's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Aug 2009

California

Posts: 99

See profile

I would date a college professor. I have been match with some college professors. I never heard back from them, or I was turned down. I think I should change or put I have a BA, and I will be working towards a graduate degree. I think some college professor limit their pool, but there are individuals just as smart with lesser degrees. Now, you do not want to be match with a student at your own school. In fact, I am positive you cannot date a student at your university haha. Keep your options open, and be willing to talk to people. Once you get to Open Communication, you will be able to tell if you can at least talk to them.
 
  Reply With Quote
MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #10  September 29,2009, 10:42am
MelinCali's Avatar

is moving!

Power Poster

Joined: Nov 2008

Earth

Posts: 8,113

See profile

To the OP--Perhaps you are younger than I am or have your age set for a really wide range. I never worried about being matched with a student because they are all too young by around 10 years to the lower limit I set for eH. That or requiring a completed degree might be a good way to filter out any students (as someone else recommended above).

I also had listed "education" for my occupation rather than being very specific. When matches who had contacted me asked me more about my job, they didn't seem to be scared off by me being a university professor.

I have in the past mainly dated within the university setting and married another academic. That was purely because of the environment I was in and the only people I was meeting were in academia. With eH, the possibilities are so much more, and I was matched with very few men who were similarly employed in a college or university. I think you should try to expand your dating pool, even if it means being a little less specific in your profile--you can always elaborate later once someone has decided that they'd like to more about you, and they are less likely to be intimidated by something like your job title.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« 1ST DATE A CHARM..SECOND WAY TOO INTENSE! | Dating | A thought occured to me yesterday... Question to ladies »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
dating and geography cp30 Dating 100 September 22,2010 6:28am
Dating Multiple Partners & Sex parakeetjordan Dating 69 April 2,2010 10:39pm
Full figured women-how to get more out of online dating outlaw1 A Man's Point of view 9 August 14,2009 4:05pm
Is There Something Dating Articles Aren't Telling Women? outlaw1 A Man's Point of view 22 August 12,2009 9:04am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:29am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0