Dating as a college professor?


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alex751 is offline alex751 Post #11  September 29,2009, 10:44am
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whatalife1683 wrote :
I would date a college professor. I have been match with some college professors. I never heard back from them, or I was turned down. I think I should change or put I have a BA, and I will be working towards a graduate degree. I think some college professor limit their pool, but there are individuals just as smart with lesser degrees. Now, you do not want to be match with a student at your own school. In fact, I am positive you cannot date a student at your university haha. Keep your options open, and be willing to talk to people. Once you get to Open Communication, you will be able to tell if you can at least talk to them.
I misspoke when I stated that I limit my pool. I do try to date broadly, but more often than not, these are the women who are responsive.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #12  September 29,2009, 10:45am
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jayjay wrote :
When I meet women I try to make sure they get to see that I'm a 'down to earth' kind of guy, despite being a professor. My head isn't stuck in the clouds, nor am I the kind of person who looks down on others with very little education. Like when I recently gave a woman my phone number by giving her my business card I was a little worried that my job title might put her off as it seemed likely she might not have gone to college at all...but in the end she didn't seem to be put off by it.

Another aspect of dating and relationships for professors is the fact that we basically have to live where we find a job. We can't just simply decide to move to a new city and find a job there. This can have potential implications for relationships....and this is further complicated if two academics are trying to make a relationship work. In the end I'm pretty reluctant to get involved with another academic, for a number of reasons.
Do you put any sort of educational preferences on your match settings?

I would never look down on people with very little education. As a student I worked part-time jobs where basically no education was required. I did find some very stimulting and interesting people to interact with among my coworkers who did not have the formal education. They were invariably the exception.

I have found with online dating that higher education levels tend to correspond with people I find more intellectually stimulating. The receptionists and xxxx assistants I dated through eH just didn't work out as the compatibility wasn't there.

I understood when I dated the professor the limitation of finding work as an academic. Fortunately, I am in a pretty portable career and can find decent work almost anywhere. The geographic limitations on where you can work as an academic was a contributing factor to me leaving the PhD program...
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #13  September 29,2009, 10:52am
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jayjay wrote :
Another aspect of dating and relationships for professors is the fact that we basically have to live where we find a job. We can't just simply decide to move to a new city and find a job there. This can have potential implications for relationships....and this is further complicated if two academics are trying to make a relationship work. In the end I'm pretty reluctant to get involved with another academic, for a number of reasons.
Yes, this is particularly problematic. I was the trailing spouse for years, as my ex and I were both academics, but I was behind him in my education. It does often mean looking for two jobs and living apart for a time to keep both careers on track, choosing positions you might not otherwise consider. Definitely not ideal.

I have solved this problem now by finding a lawyer in another state who can't practice in California because he'd have to write the bar exam there. Yeah, that's lots better.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope — Advice Member-Moderator Post #14  September 29,2009, 11:06am
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MelinCali wrote :
Yes, this is particularly problematic. I was the trailing spouse for years, as my ex and I were both academics, but I was behind him in my education. It does often mean looking for two jobs and living apart for a time to keep both careers on track, choosing positions you might not otherwise consider. Definitely not ideal.

I have solved this problem now by finding a lawyer in another state who can't practice in California because he'd have to write the bar exam there. Yeah, that's lots better.


(But it makes sense to me...)
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #15  September 29,2009, 11:19am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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MelinCali wrote :
To the OP--Perhaps you are younger than I am or have your age set for a really wide range. I never worried about being matched with a student because they are all too young by around 10 years to the lower limit I set for eH.
Yeah....um, some of us men are more 'open minded' than you about age criteria.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #16  September 29,2009, 11:23am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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shoopthedoop wrote :
Do you put any sort of educational preferences on your match settings?


I have found with online dating that higher education levels tend to correspond with people I find more intellectually stimulating. The receptionists and xxxx assistants I dated through eH just didn't work out as the compatibility wasn't there.
I don't set any type of educational criteria at all. Also, I myself don't care about 'intellectual stimulation' in a relationship. What I care about is emotional stimulation.... a woman who is capable of intimacy. A woman like this could just as likely be a receptionist or xxxx assistant.
 
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alex751 is offline alex751 Post #17  September 29,2009, 11:40am
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jayjay wrote :
When I meet women I try to make sure they get to see that I'm a 'down to earth' kind of guy, despite being a professor. My head isn't stuck in the clouds, nor am I the kind of person who looks down on others with very little education. Like when I recently gave a woman my phone number by giving her my business card I was a little worried that my job title might put her off as it seemed likely she might not have gone to college at all...but in the end she didn't seem to be put off by it.
Agreed. My head is not stuck in the clouds either. But let's be pragmatic. I'll probably have more in common with someone who has "some college" under the belt and can appreciate the academy lifestyle and what it entails. One is always pushing the envelope, trying to be a leader in one's field. This takes considerable time, requiring constant innovation.

I would never consider not dating someone just because they have little education, but for me, academia is such an important ingredient of who I am and why I love my career, it's difficult imagining someone without a connection to appreciate this.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #18  September 29,2009, 11:45am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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alex751 wrote :
Agreed. My head is not stuck in the clouds either. But let's be pragmatic. I'll probably have more in common with someone who has "some college" under the belt and can appreciate the academy lifestyle and what it entails. One is always pushing the envelope, trying to be a leader in one's field. This takes considerable time, requiring constant innovation.

I would never consider not dating someone just because they have little education, but for me, academia is such an important ingredient of who I am and why I love my career, it's difficult imagining someone without a connection to appreciate this.
I don't mean to imply this describes you personally, but I think a lot of academics have trouble with relationships because their careers are so important to them and they are so involved in their work. I know a number of academics whose entire lives are really their research, traveling to conferences and giving talks, etc. It's hard for me to imagine them ever retiring happily because they do almost nothing other than their work. Their marriages remind me more of business partnerships than of intimate couples.

This past weekend I was also talking with a woman who is divorced from a professor. She told me about how when they were first married she used to attend all the myriad of activities that went with his profession. As some years went by she started developing more interests and activities of her own. At that point he simply wasn't willing to give up part of even his social activities to accomodate her new activities, interests and friends. He simply wanted to be able to continue doing his own thing.
Last edited by jayjay; September 29,2009 at 11:48am.
 
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alex751 is offline alex751 Post #19  September 29,2009, 12:03pm
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jayjay wrote :
I don't mean to imply this describes you personally, but I think a lot of academics have trouble with relationships because their careers are so important to them and they are so involved in their work. I know a number of academics whose entire lives are really their research, traveling to conferences and giving talks, etc. It's hard for me to imagine them ever retiring happily because they do almost nothing other than their work. Their marriages remind me more of business partnerships than of intimate couples.

This past weekend I was also talking with a woman who is divorced from a professor. She told me about how when they were first married she used to attend all the myriad of activities that went with his profession. As some years went by she started developing more interests and activities of her own. At that point he simply wasn't willing to give up part of even his social activities to accomodate her new activities, interests and friends. He simply wanted to be able to continue doing his own thing.
The story you describe is regrettable but true, for some. In my circle of colleagues - and this applies to me as well - academia is appealing precisely because it is flexible. I only have to be on campus when I am lecturing. One day, I hope, this flexibility will complement family life - summers and winter breaks off, generous maternity leave (up to a year) for both mothers and fathers.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #20  September 29,2009, 12:09pm
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alex751 wrote :
The story you describe is regrettable but true, for some. In my circle of colleagues - and this applies to me as well - academia is appealing precisely because it is flexible. I only have to be on campus when I am lecturing. One day, I hope, this flexibility will complement family life - summers and winter breaks off, generous maternity leave (up to a year) for both mothers and fathers.
Probably after tenure, especially for women. I've heard a number of female professors say they felt too pressured prior to getting tenure to have a family. One told me she thought the best time for a female academic to have a baby was during a post doc. That there just wasn't enough time before or after this. Personally, I don't want to get into the extremely high pressure atmosphere that goes with top tier research universities. I want to have a life in addition to my research.
 
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