NewYorkLady is offline NewYorkLady Post #1  September 28,2009, 4:40pm
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What's the deal these days with who pays for what? Please bring me up to speed!
I'm 60 and when I was dating 40 years ago, it was customary for the guy to pick up the tab. Then I was married for 30 years, and my husband did the same. I've been divorced now and dating about 10 years and it always surprises me when the guy expects me to buy my own coffee (if we're just having coffee) or movie ticket or split the cost of a meal. Because this is not how I was raised and been treated all these years, I always feel hurt and insulted when the guy doesn't at least make the offer to pay. I am happy to pay my share but I think he should at least make the initial offer.
What do all of you think?
Maybe I'm behind the times but I'm having a very hard time getting over this. ~ New York Lady
 
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alex751 is offline alex751 Post #2  September 28,2009, 4:43pm

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This has been discussed several times. You should see the recent thread called "Paying for things on a date..."
 
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grneydldy is offline grneydldy Post #3  September 28,2009, 4:58pm
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Yes, this has been discussed frequently, but in the event that you missed those posts, here's a summation. We can't agree. Some of us think the guy should pay, some think the girl should and every point in between is also a belief of someone. Essentially, you need to do what you feel is best. I always offer to pay my 1/2 and always have the cash with me to do it, but I've never once had my sincere offer accepted. Just yesterday, I was on a 3rd date and we were browsing through Sur La Table. I selected about $40.00 worth of items to give as a gift, and he tried to pay for my items. I would not allow him. He said, "It's only $40" to which I replied, "Yes, and you can use your $40 on your or your children, but thank you very much." It was really sweet of him, but there's no way I'm ever going to allow anyone else to pay for a gift I'm buying someone, especially if I barely know that person. Besides, I wouldn't want him to EVER think I was with him for his money, so I didn't allow that can of worms to be opened.

Best of luck to you finding someone whose beliefs and dating styles match your own!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  September 28,2009, 4:59pm
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Maybe you noted that in New York and other places, Ladies have jobs?

Why shouldn't they pay for their dating, and everything else?

In any case, first meetings from online dating sites ought to be split. Co-workers or friends who go on a date ought to split the costs, like they split the job openings (or have it done to them.)

A random stranger who walks up and asks you out ought to pay for you - but if you choose not to see him again, that should be split as well. If you do see him again, that one should be on you.

"But ... but ... but ..."

Nope. Heard it all before.
 
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JerryC is offline JerryC Post #5  September 28,2009, 5:02pm
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I went to the same school. The guy paid for the meal, movies or coffee and I don't have a problem doing it. Hopefully, the woman won't be insulted if I tell her not to worry about it. That's still in the future for me. I deal with it when the time comes.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #6  September 28,2009, 5:18pm
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FYI, here is a link to the other recent thread that focused on this issue: http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...ings-date.html (Paying for things on a date...)

Some of this is generational, some is a culture shift, some has to do with regional differences... There are lots of influences operating on gender roles in dating these days. But yeah; it can be pretty confusing!

I hope that as you read through some of the responses here you'll understand that it's not a personal insult when the man doesn't offer to pay (at least he doesn't intend it as such). You and he do have different ideas about "date" behavior, though, so that's something to take into consideration...(there are other men out there, though--like JerryC here--who would consider it rather ungentlemanly to ask a woman to fork over the $2 for her cup of coffee when the bill comes...).
 
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NewYorkLady is offline NewYorkLady Post #7  September 28,2009, 5:50pm
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Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me. I really appreciate them, and I've started to read the thread about paying for things on a date.

Grneydldy, you echo my thoughts almost perfectly.

Neardc, I agree it's probably largely a generational and cultural thing, and so I need to keep that in mind before I take it personally.

JerryC, as Neardc insinuated, you're a real gentleman. Thank you so much for being willing to exert yourself in these ways!

D_Lyon, your way does indeed seem fairest. It's just my background, my culture....it's hard to change what has always made me feel comfortable with a man.

Thank you all for your input. It was so encouraging to get your thoughtful comments so quickly. All the best to you!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  September 28,2009, 6:48pm
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NewYorkLady wrote :
What's the deal these days with who pays for what? Please bring me up to speed!
I'm 60 and when I was dating 40 years ago, it was customary for the guy to pick up the tab. Then I was married for 30 years, and my husband did the same. I've been divorced now and dating about 10 years and it always surprises me when the guy expects me to buy my own coffee (if we're just having coffee) or movie ticket or split the cost of a meal. Because this is not how I was raised and been treated all these years, I always feel hurt and insulted when the guy doesn't at least make the offer to pay. I am happy to pay my share but I think he should at least make the initial offer.
What do all of you think?
Maybe I'm behind the times but I'm having a very hard time getting over this. ~ New York Lady
Uh, if you are married is not the money both yours and your husband's? If he takes it out of his wallet does that then make it his money?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  September 28,2009, 6:51pm
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A lot of bras were burned to give you women equality. You can't have it both ways.

If he asks you out then he should expect to pay. If you ask him out then you should expect to pay. I don't go dutch and I also don't expect to be doing all the asking.
 
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MoneyHoney is offline MoneyHoney Post #10  September 29,2009, 7:14am
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After a first meet-up the man I was with suggested that on our next date it would be my "turn" to treat. I light-heartedly replied, "I can't remember the last time I paid for my own drink, much less a date's."

In my usual circle of friends the men pay for everything. Even if I am out with my best friend and her boyfriend, the boyfriend will always pay for whatever I am having, and in fact, one gentleman will usually pick up the tab for the entire group / table.
 
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