How much do you say about a non-existent love life?


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Turtle_speed is offline Turtle_speed Post #1  September 28,2009, 11:15am
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Ok.... I think I've found a place where I can ask a nagging question and not feel stupid for asking.

I am a 35 years old, fun, intelligent, confident woman with average looks. I am comfortable in almost any social situation, except my dating experience is close to nil. I went on my first date when I was 17, which did not lead to date number 2. I didn't date again until 2 years ago. I was fixed up with a nice guy. We dated a half a dozen times, but I never got my first kiss, and I could tell he was less interested than I in him, so I decided to drop it. No dates since. None of those dates went poorly. I have had nothing but positive experience, it just has been next to no experience.

I wasn't sure I liked the idea of dating, so I told myself that I preferred to meet guys as friends, and hope that it would one day grow to love. That didn't happen. Plenty of guy friends, no 2nd date. Add to that the idea that I only wanted to date guys I saw long-term potential in (before dating). Now I think I would have been better dating anyone for the sake of dating rather than have to admit so little experience now.

At one point I decided to give up on even the idea of dating. I have been working full-time and going to school off and on for most of my adult life, so I found it easier to focus on the friendships that I had, than to actively seek out guys to date. I've met plenty of people in college, some even I would have dated, but they were usually the ones who were already taken.

I haven't lived in a social vacuum, and yet I feel like somehow anyone who found out the truth that they would think I was a freak. I've gained some wisdom from learning from other's experiences, and so am a little less naive than a teenager. Some friends who know my lack of experience still turn to me for advice.

My question is, if you met someone who seemed attractive and normal but found out they had never so much as kissed anyone by my age, what would you think? Would you go running for the hills? I have managed to avoid discussing my lack of love life from friends, classmates and the guy I dated. But as people usually like to find out about past relationships, I kind of doubt I would be able to get serious with anyone and keep it quiet. Is there anything that would make it seem less cause for alarm? At this point I would just like to date to get some experience. Should I just avoid telling any of my dates?

Thanks for your advice.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #2  September 28,2009, 11:31am
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I think this is something that will definitely come up with a partner if you have something serious develop, but it is not really good conversation during the first few dates to talk about exes anyway, so easy to avoid.

I think you can probably share what you have said here--you haven't had much time for dating because you were working and pursuing your education, but now you are at a place in your life where you are looking for find someone to share it with. That is honest and doesn't really sound so bad, does it?

I don't think there is any way you can predict how a potential partner would take this information--perhaps he would be thrilled to meet someone who has not been jaded by their past relationships. Perhaps it will be a red flag to him and he will be cautious. We all deal with the information given to us from someone we are dating in different ways depending on our personalities and past experiences.

I think you are right to start dating for the sake of dating. Don't focus on finding "the one"--that's too much pressure. Dating is about having fun, and you might be able to get that dating experience you think you need before you meet someone who is right for you in the process.

Remember: it's not lying if you don't volunteer information. This could be on a need-to-know basis and someone you go out with on a date might not need to know (if he doesn't ask). You might not be going out on a second date with him anyway since most first dates are also the last.
 
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Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #3  September 28,2009, 11:31am
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Welcome Turtle-speed!
You can tell people you date... after a few dates when you think things are going well.
I am dating a man just like you and it is going pretty well. He had absolutely no experience but is getting it now. I had the honor of giving him the first kiss he'd ever had from a woman and also a few other first experiences... for example we just went skinny dipping for the first time in his life the other night (and he loved it.)
You just need to be open to possibilities and personalities and adventure.
It is scary but you have to be brave. It is even very scary for those of us with experience.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #4  September 28,2009, 11:44am
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Dating to get some experience certainly seems like a good idea.

Don't be too concerned about your lack of dating experience. From your post and profile it appears to me that you will probably be attracted most to people without a lot of experience as well - i.e. not many previous relationships.

You'd be surprised how many people out there haven't had a lot of relationships.
 
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Turtle_speed is offline Turtle_speed Post #5  September 28,2009, 11:46am
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Thank you both. I feel like an adult until I get on this subject, so I appreciate the encouragement. Now the trick is giving my love-life a kick start!
 
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trackstar is offline trackstar Post #6  September 28,2009, 11:55am
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Usually, I think guys ask about that wanting to make sure that you haven't, er, um, "dated" too much, or that there's no crazy ex out there that's going to stab them in the back. But, that's generally not something that comes up right away, and I certainly don't think you are under any kind of obligation to make that revelation right from the outset. Hopefully, by the time it does come up, you'll be fairly certain that the guy you're with is a nice, understanding type, which of course is the only kind you'd want anyway. Anyway, your explanation seems reasonable to me . . .your attention was just focused elsewhere. If a man told me that, I would have to acknowledge that we had some very different life experiences, but if he was "normal" and willing to devote energy toward dating now, I would not run for the hills. For some people, having a partner with "experience" is important, and that's fine for them, but I'm kinda willing to bet that someone like that would not be right for you anyway.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  September 28,2009, 12:02pm
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Uh, folks I did not write this under an alias though I could have.

I am a bunch older than you and in much the same situation. While it is not nearly as odd for a mid 30s person to have never been married as for someone my age, your relationship history is going to come up. Frankly I have not come up with an adequate answer but for you it may be that you have been working on your degree or career.

As for as dating almost anyone for the experience of dating, this is a very sound idea and is part of the program in How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. You may want to get the book and give it a read.
 
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Turtle_speed is offline Turtle_speed Post #8  September 28,2009, 12:07pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Uh, folks I did not write this under an alias though I could have.

I am a bunch older than you and in much the same situation. While it is not nearly as odd for a mid 30s person to have never been married as for someone my age, your relationship history is going to come up. Frankly I have not come up with an adequate answer but for you it may be that you have been working on your degree or career.

As for as dating almost anyone for the experience of dating, this is a very sound idea and is part of the program in How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. You may want to get the book and give it a read.
Thanks! I've been making up for my lack of relationships by mulling over relationship books. Checked the book on Amazon, seems like it may help with the kick-start.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  September 28,2009, 12:19pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Turtle_speed wrote :
I am a 35 years old, fun, intelligent, confident woman with average looks. I am comfortable in almost any social situation, except my dating experience is close to nil.
I don't ask my dates anything about their past dating experience and I wouldn't think it necessary for you to say anything about your lack of experience. The only thing might be simply to tell them that you haven't been in a serious relationship.

To be honest, I don't think what you tell men regarding this is going to be the issue. The issue is that, while you describe yourself as above, there ARE reasons why you have hardly dated. This isn't just a coincidence or something that just randomly happened. There are aspects of your personality that have made you unlikely to date much. To move into a more positive experience with dating and eventually to form a long term relationship I think you need to come to terms with whatever might be keeping you from doing these and begin to change your behavioral patterns.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  September 28,2009, 12:20pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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trackstar wrote :
Usually, I think guys ask about that wanting to make sure that you haven't, er, um, "dated" too much...
Now why does that sound like code for something else.
 
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