Need advice from women about a woman?


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alex751 is offline alex751 Post #1  September 27,2009, 8:43am

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I met a woman on Match 6 weeks ago.

When we spoke on the phone initially, I found that we had mutual interests. She had recently been stood up by someone online and also had expressed her disappointment with the quality of the general dating pool and lack of etiquette. During that first phone call, I also laid out my intentions: entering a committed LTR that will eventually lead to marriage and children. This issue is important for me, so I brought it up again on our first date.

Since that conversation, we've had 5 formal dates, where I've done much of the planning -- from picking her up to selecting the venue or activity. We speak on the phone once a week. She lives 50 miles from me and has expressed a willingness to come to my town (always nice).

That said, I am finding myself frustrated with the seemingly tortoise-like pace of dating her. When calling, I usually get voice mail. Mind you, she returns my calls the same or following day, but the lack of spontaneity and waiting is still frustrating.

A more substantial concern is that I don't yet feel we have an "emotional connection." I don't feel she's opening up to me the way women normally do in the first few dates. I don't feel she's asking a lot of questions to learn about who I am. For example, she's not asked me any basic questions about my family. Beyond kissing (which is always passionate), we've not been physically intimate and I will not pursue this until there's a well-developed emotional connection. There are moments when seeing her when I think, "Wow! It's finally going to happen," but it doesn't.

A little more background on her. She's smart, has a great career in a technical field but her interests are wide-ranging, as she's very artsy too. She sings, dances and plays piano. She's lived in the area for most of her life and knows it inside out, whereas I've been here for only a year or so. I should also mention that although we're not exclusive, she's not dating other people. Since I'm not a big fan of dating multiple people, I quit pursuing other women after our second date. The one odd thing I've learned is that her first long-term relationship occurred in her early 30s.

My question - mainly for women - is how can I get her to open up more?

What can I do or say to help foster an emotional connection?
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #2  September 27,2009, 8:48am

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honestly....it sounds like maybe she doesn't realize you might feel this way.

It sounds a little crazy...but honestly, if I were her I would really appreciate it if you told me that, so that I could correct it.

She should be asking you more questions about yourself...maybe she is afraid to do so ...or she is self absorbed.

I think the only way to know is to mention how you feel and then you will get a reaction either way.

She will either be like 'oh my God, I didn't realize I was doing that, I feel so bad' or you might get more of a defensive, non-commital type thing from her....

I think you should have an honest talk with her. Instead of trying to just get this behavior somehow.
 
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alex751 is offline alex751 Post #3  September 27,2009, 10:26am

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cp30 wrote :
honestly....it sounds like maybe she doesn't realize you might feel this way.

It sounds a little crazy...but honestly, if I were her I would really appreciate it if you told me that, so that I could correct it.

She should be asking you more questions about yourself...maybe she is afraid to do so ...or she is self absorbed.

I think the only way to know is to mention how you feel and then you will get a reaction either way.

I think you should have an honest talk with her. Instead of trying to just get this behavior somehow.
This is good feedback, consistent with what I planned to do, so it's reassuring to hear.

I didn't not understand your last comment. Please elaborate.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  September 27,2009, 10:30am
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How about if you say to her "We need to talk."

I would say that she either is not all that interested in you. Or she is the type that won't open up. Or she figures that she is being open with you and this is as good as it is going to get.
 
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alex751 is offline alex751 Post #5  September 27,2009, 10:46am

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
How about if you say to her "We need to talk."
I would say that she either is not all that interested in you. Or she is the type that won't open up. Or she figures that she is being open with you and this is as good as it is going to get.
Thanks for your input. The problem is there's a lot of baggage around that phrase, "We need to talk." It conjures up images of a Come-to-Jesus meeting! That something is inherently wrong - which might be the case here. A diplomatic, non-confrontational approach would be to continue dating and bring it up casually, but directly, during some one-on-one time.

I believe this woman's worth it, so I will give her more time. If she does not eventually open up, then there's the answer.
 
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earthlyangelchristina is offline earthlyangelchristina Post #6  September 27,2009, 11:43am
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I say tell her that you would like to talk. Some of my older lady relatives refer to this kind of talking as talking turkey. Means it is time to talk and get to the facts. Just don't be demanding, but with class. It really isn't right that one person feels a lack of communication. She might not know how much you dig her, and she might be trying to play by the rules with watching her steps with you. I hope this helps.
 
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Jacquiem is offline Jacquiem Post #7  September 27,2009, 12:38pm
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"You know, Sara, I like talking to you and I'm always so interested to hear about your family and your friends and your background. But you don't seem to ask me about that stuff. Is there a reason why you don't?"

I like that better than "We need to talk..." I hear that and I'm thinking, "Uh oh....."
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #8  September 27,2009, 1:02pm
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Jacquiem wrote :
"You know, Sara, I like talking to you and I'm always so interested to hear about your family and your friends and your background. But you don't seem to ask me about that stuff. Is there a reason why you don't?"

I like that better than "We need to talk..." I hear that and I'm thinking, "Uh oh....."
I completely agree. When a guy says, "We need to talk," I'm thinking, "What did I do now?" or "Great, this isn't going to be good." Even worse, it could mean the break up talk is coming. That's a sure fire way to make me incredibly uncomfortable.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #9  September 27,2009, 3:01pm
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alex751 wrote :
The one odd thing I've learned is that her first long-term relationship occurred in her early 30s.

One of the questions I had as I read your post was how old is this woman? Also, when was her last relationship? I am asking because I am pretty sure that I was behaving this way with a man who was trying very hard to get to know me. My problem was that I had been in a long term marriage, divorced for quite a while with very few dates and I was way out of practice. I know myself very well and I am a very confident person - men even tell me that is what they like about me. But - when it came to dating I could hold a conversation but when it came to freeing more personal information about myself - I was stumped! I came to the conclusion that it was because I was so out of practice talking about myself that I became almost tongue tied when this man asked me a question. Also other than phone conversations all of our dates took place in places that were kind of noisy and crowded - not an ideal way to get to know someone. I had no problem at all asking this person all about his life and his family. Once I figured out what I was doing I opened up more. She may not even realize that she is doing it.

My question - mainly for women - is how can I get her to open up more?

I would say go someplace really quiet where you can talk with no distractions. This may make her feel better about opening up. Make her dinner at your place and just talk. Maybe she will open up.

As far as the distance thing - that is frustrating my friend! But it's 50 miles - so that's about an 45 minutes to an hour without traffic right? If I wanted to see someone badly enough one hour is not bad at all.

What can I do or say to help foster an emotional connection?
Once she starts opening up to you that may help with the emotional connection.

GOOD LUCK!!
 
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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #10  September 27,2009, 3:10pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
How about if you say to her "We need to talk."

I would say that she either is not all that interested in you. Or she is the type that won't open up. Or she figures that she is being open with you and this is as good as it is going to get.
Hey your not a woman!
 
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