Dumped because she couldn't see it turning into an LTR.


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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #1  September 27,2009, 12:53am
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I met a woman on eH and we dated for about three months, she just ended it and I'm looking for a little advice on how to proceed.

Things moved relatively quickly but she was the driving force behind how quickly things moved.

1. She gave me a key to her place. (Then I reciprocated.)
2. She took me shopping for toiletries to keep at her place.
3. She asked me to fly back to her hometown with her for a cousin's wedding about a month ago, which we did.
4. She used the L word first, then asked me if I felt the same way. I said I did, which I think I felt at the time.

About three weeks ago she had a minor freak out about living in a new city, starting a new job and a new relationship. We talked about it that night. I dropped off a card for her a couple days later saying I was there to support her and would be there for her as she worked things out. She thanked me for the card and apologized for freaking out.

I really do like this woman, I backed off a little bit to try and give her some space.

Tonight after dinner and a movie she told me that she had thought about things and had decided she couldn't see things working out with us long-term so she ended it. Part of her reason for breaking it off was as I backed off, we saw each other less and didn't talk on the phone as much, she didn't feel like she was missing the contact with me. I made it clear that I didn't feel the same way. It was a very mature breakup, no yelling/tears/histrionics on either side.

After 800+ matches on eH and 20 or so first dates in 9 months (on and off) at eH, I truly felt she was the one. We are pretty compatible on a number of levels. At least I feel we are. The differences she pointed out were pretty minor in my eyes. In the U.S. setting she would be a liberal Democrat and I'm more of a moderate Democrat. I don't really like her favourite author and I'm not a cat person. I didn't see any of these as deal breakers.

We agreed to meet for lunch next weekend to exchange the stuff we have at each other's places and have one final discussion.

How should I handle this meeting? She works in academia, so I am thinking we should meet one more time after the end of the term. I feel this would allow her time to really think about things. I'm not fooling myself and am pretty sure nothing will have changed by then. I would like to keep that option open and feel one final meeting after she has had a chance to think things over couldn't hurt.

I understand the need to move on, but don't think I'll really be short-changing myself as I really don't have any desire to start trying to date anyone else in the next two months.

What are your thoughts?
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #2  September 27,2009, 3:06am
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shoopthedoop wrote :
What are your thoughts?
(from the vantage point of someone 61 years old, )


I think you got off "REAL" easy.


From what you said, about her, the woman strikes me as a selfish, self-obsessed control freak, dressed --- so to speak --in a very nice, stylish and sexy ball gown.

I happen to think, also, that her cat may be a *lot* more important, too, to her, than you think it is; -- likely more than *you* could turn out to be, especially if she lets it sleep in bed with her. (I saw that a LOT with childless professional females in big cities, quite a lot.)

Who knows?

I think you actually dodged a bullet here and should be thankful.

~~~~

Just put yourself back out there when you are ready.

My feeling (personally) is that generally, all things considered, many more women seek a LTR,, at any age, then men do when you do the numbers..

The fact that you are looking for one, should make it a LOT easier for you in the future, then, than you think it is.


Things should work out just fine for you.
Last edited by 6dle899; September 27,2009 at 3:16am.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #3  September 27,2009, 4:29am
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I’m more or less in agreement with 6dle on this one (though, I’m unclear where the whole cat paragraph comes into play? LoL) Anyways, this sounds like a classic case of a relationship that burns too hot at the beginning and fizzles out very quickly.


If the two of you only dated for 3 months, and it was 3 weeks ago that she had her minor freak out (which in turn caused you to back off a bit to give her space, which in turn was one of her reasons for ending things…) then it was roughly 2 months since meeting one another and already you had swapped keys and were sharing space in each other’s medicine cabinets.

I realize everyone has their own pace with things, but in hindsight, does that seem rushed to you? Were you 100% comfortable with the pace, or more or less going along with it? Would YOU have suggested swapping keys, shopping for toiletries, “using the L word” if you were not entirely sure you felt it at the time? Did it all seem natural, or did it seem quick to you, even though you did like her a lot? (not questions you need to answer here in a post, just food for thought)


As far as my thoughts on what YOU should do… it’s just my opinion, but, if someone ended it with me on the basis that they couldn’t see it going anywhere long term, and they realized that they were not missing their contact with me, I’d probably just wish them luck with everything and leave it at that. I’d send them their things back, and ask them to do the same. I wouldn't need a lunch meeting and “one final discussion” to more or less be told the same thing again.
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Last edited by lucky173; September 27,2009 at 4:32am. Reason: because I keep forgetting what font it is!! grrrrrr
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #4  September 27,2009, 6:42am
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[QUOTE=lucky173;752832]I’m more or less in agreement with 6dle on this one (though, I’m unclear where the whole cat paragraph comes into play? LoL) Anyways, this sounds like a classic case of a relationship that burns too hot at the beginning and fizzles out very quickly.

I realize everyone has their own pace with things, but in hindsight, does that seem rushed to you? Were you 100% comfortable with the pace, or more or less going along with it? Would YOU have suggested swapping keys, shopping for toiletries, “using the L word” if you were not entirely sure you felt it at the time? Did it all seem natural, or did it seem quick to you, even though you did like her a lot? (not questions you need to answer here in a post, just food for thought)


As far as my thoughts on what YOU should do… it’s just my opinion, but, if someone ended it with me on the basis that they couldn’t see it going anywhere long term, and they realized that they were not missing their contact with me, I’d probably just wish them luck with everything and leave it at that. I’d send them their things back, and ask them to do the same. I wouldn't need a lunch meeting and “one final discussion” to more or less be told the same thing again.
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Dugl is offline Dugl Post #5  September 27,2009, 7:33am
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3 months....really ? Did she have an expiration date ? Personally, I'd give a new puppy a longer trial period than that, but you may have offered yet another clue to the divorce rate.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 Post #6  September 27,2009, 7:46am
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Sounds like cold feet to me - on her part that is. She plunged right in and now she is freaking out. I've done that before (when I was younger) and then realized whoops this is moving too fast, and I feel suffocated. You might like this woman but don't put yourself through the agony of seeing her. Send her stuff back via UPS with a nice noncommital note. "I enjoyed our time together, sorry you feel the need to move on..." The next move is hers, and if she's truly interested she'll be back. Don't call. No further contact. Good luck.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #7  September 27,2009, 8:06am
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Let me understand this. She has been living in a new city and started a new job since just before you met through EH?

Adding clarification question: Is she moving away from you, that she didn't see LTR with distance?
Last edited by MelinCali; September 27,2009 at 8:29am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  September 27,2009, 8:24am
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6dle899 wrote :
(from the vantage point of someone 61 years old, )


I think you got off "REAL" easy.


From what you said, about her, the woman strikes me as a selfish, self-obsessed control freak, dressed --- so to speak --in a very nice, stylish and sexy ball gown.

I happen to think, also, that her cat may be a *lot* more important, too, to her, than you think it is; -- likely more than *you* could turn out to be, especially if she lets it sleep in bed with her. (I saw that a LOT with childless professional females in big cities, quite a lot.)

Who knows?

I think you actually dodged a bullet here and should be thankful.

~~~~

Just put yourself back out there when you are ready.

My feeling (personally) is that generally, all things considered, many more women seek a LTR,, at any age, then men do when you do the numbers..

The fact that you are looking for one, should make it a LOT easier for you in the future, then, than you think it is.


Things should work out just fine for you.
The surveys say you are wrong. Particularly the older the women are
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  September 27,2009, 8:24am
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BTDT kind of sucks.
 
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w_elissa is offline w_elissa Post #10  September 27,2009, 8:32am
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Dugl wrote :
3 months....really ? Did she have an expiration date ? Personally, I'd give a new puppy a longer trial period than that, but you may have offered yet another clue to the divorce rate.

Really...I've had a few 3 month relationships. You have the lovely new period and then after 3 months you take another look and revaluate everything. One time I decided to end it, the other time he did. I think 3 months is a great trial run period. At that point people relax and you start to really see them. If I make it past 3 months, I made it to a year with someone. But, if you know it's not right at the 3 months it's not good to drag something out to 6 months or a 1 etc...because then it just gets harder to end.
It's different if you aren't sure. However, what I've learned is if I'm not sure...than it probably isn't right.
 
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