Living together before marriage? Good idea or not?


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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #1  September 26,2009, 6:19pm
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With the high rate of divorce in our country do you think living together before marriage would help discover if a couple is compatible or would it hurt? Is it better to live together without a commitment and discover if marriage is a good idea or does it make marriage less of a commitment is one takes place?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  September 26,2009, 6:32pm
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I'm not a fan of living together. Commitment is something you decide to do, not grow into. Dating is the deciding stage, not living together. Compatibility will always be imperfect, but the commitment that two people make to one another (with or without marriage...but in my case it would need to be with) is what allows the compromises that allow the incompatibilities to be worked out.

At this stage in my life, there is simply too much at risk to be making trial runs. That's just my opinion. YMMV.
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #3  September 26,2009, 6:48pm
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There are a number of studies that have indicated the couples who cohabitate before marrying are more likely to get a divorce.

Now, there is an argument that this because the people who are at greater risk for divorce are more likely to cohabitate, so that that cohabitation itself doesn't increase the risk of divorce, but the idea that cohabitation makes a good "trial run" for marriage doesn't really seem to have evidence to back it up.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #4  September 26,2009, 6:57pm
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It is something that I would absolutely insist on... for at least a year.

It is hard to tell if you could live with a friend or family member as a roomate.... so how would it not be even more risky to get married & then see if you could live together??
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #5  September 26,2009, 7:00pm
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More recent data are a bit more mixed....

If you marry your cohabiting partner -- and that person is the only partner with whom you've cohabited -- your risk of divorce is actually lower than predicted.

If, however, you've cohabited with multiple partners...your odds are quite a bit worse...

And, if you move in together after you've already decided to marry/have become engaged, it also doesn't appear to increase your risk of divorce.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #6  September 26,2009, 7:01pm
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cardguy wrote :
There are a number of studies that have indicated the couples who cohabitate before marrying are more likely to get a divorce.

Now, there is an argument that this because the people who are at greater risk for divorce are more likely to cohabitate, so that that cohabitation itself doesn't increase the risk of divorce, but the idea that cohabitation makes a good "trial run" for marriage doesn't really seem to have evidence to back it up.
Cohabitation cannot tell you if a marriage will work... but it will tell you if one definitely WON"T.
 
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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  September 26,2009, 7:07pm
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Good question!

If he and I had already discussed a desire to get married (to each other, lol) I would live together first, yes, with the understanding that the relationship will continue to move forward in the direction we had both discussed.
 
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skitermon is offline skitermon Post #8  September 26,2009, 7:12pm
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bigfincat wrote :
Cohabitation cannot tell you if a marriage will work... but it will tell you if one definitely WON"T.
I agree with bigfincat, it will tell you if you are not compatible.

Let's all be adults here... People put on a different "face" when dating. They show you their best side. How many of us have seen something from someone we thought we knew that surprised us? It is human nature.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  September 26,2009, 7:13pm
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cardguy wrote :
There are a number of studies that have indicated the couples who cohabitate before marrying are more likely to get a divorce.

Now, there is an argument that this because the people who are at greater risk for divorce are more likely to cohabitate, so that that cohabitation itself doesn't increase the risk of divorce, but the idea that cohabitation makes a good "trial run" for marriage doesn't really seem to have evidence to back it up.

Excellent post, exactly what I was about to write.

Ditto, NearDC (which is a given.)

I am sure I would live together prior to marriage (and I do not consider cohabiting a sign that marriage is intended - I see these as unrelated decisions.)
 
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skitermon is offline skitermon Post #10  September 26,2009, 7:17pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I am sure I would live together prior to marriage (and I do not consider cohabiting a sign that marriage is intended - I see these as unrelated decisions.)

DITTO!
 
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