Living together before marriage? Good idea or not?


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myrtlebeachmale is offline myrtlebeachmale Post #41  September 27,2009, 10:20pm
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Commitment counts

Marriage is a tough road full of ups and downs. It really is a high level/high risk commitment. Find someone who knows how to delay gratification and make a life long, no matter what happens commitment.
 
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trackstar is offline trackstar Post #42  September 28,2009, 9:21am
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I have lived with two men. . .the first I dated for a year before moving in. We were both in law school and moving in together was just a practical way to save money that neither of us had. During the second year we lived together, we got engaged. . .at some point before the wedding I discovered he was up to some . . .things I couldn't live with. . .porn addiction, stalking porn stars, phone sex with classmates, planning trysts with classmates, collecting womens' underwear, very, very strange porn interests (not exactly leaving wet towels on the floor). Had I not been living with him, I probably would not have made that discovery, despite dating him for three years. . . and I would have been dealing with those issues in a marriage.

The second. . .we moved in together with the intention of becoming married the following year, to save for a downpayment on a house. That one wasn't exactly who I thought he was either. . .but that's an even longer story. Anyway, he called off the wedding three weeks before it was to take place. It would have been nice to not be living together then. Let me tell ya. I'm not sure that living together had anything to do with us breaking up, but it did give me the opportunity to really see his ugly side and see the broken engagement as sort of a relief. For instance, I doubt he would have punched holes in the walls of an apartment that I rented by myself. . .

Not too sure how I feel about living together now. It makes it harder to leave a relationship, but at the same time, makes the reasons for leaving pretty apparent. I would agree that commitment is what makes things work, not "trial runs" or anything of that kind, but how the heck can you ever really know that your partner is similarly committed? Finding out you're the only one makes you feel like such an idiot. ..

Oh well, I'm only four months into my current relationship - all that nonsense shouldn't come up for a good long time :-)
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #43  September 28,2009, 10:04am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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trackstar....for myself, I'd never start living with a woman for practical reasons. I'd start living with her because we really wanted to strictly for personal/relationship reasons....or not at all.
 
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DiliG is offline DiliG Post #44  September 28,2009, 10:26am
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Absolutely never ! Personal choice that aligns with my value system (Christian).......and I make it a point to let that be known very early in to a relationship/dating (even before) ! So there will be no confusion later on !
 
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Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #45  September 28,2009, 10:35am
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I have lived with men several times over the course of my adult life and usually these were men I knew I did not really want to marry except for the last one.

The last one I lived with for 4 years... we did great while we lived together and then got married but it only lasted 3 more years and things became very stale and we stopped being able to communicate well. It fizzled. We both are of the opinion that getting married somehow ruined it for us although we thought we'd like being married when we did it. Somehow marriage took the spark out of our love, especially for him.

I am tempted to only live with men from now on... not marry them. Marriage changes things (in a bad way) for me at least, or so it seems.

I am dating someone now who wouldn't dream of living together before marriage. I will be lucky if I can test drive him in bed, even, before marriage. Maybe if things go well I can test out the not-living-together-before-marriage theory and see if it works for me.

It is like jumping off a diving board blind-folded in my opinion however; scary!
 
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i8barbie is offline i8barbie Post #46  September 28,2009, 4:36pm
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Divorce has become something we look at as an easy option, an easy way out. If you live together before marriage, you start to have this mindset that you can leave at any time if you are not happy with something the other person is doing, or you are not totally head over heels for them anymore.

We live in a society where we give up too easily and walk out when it's most convenient for us, rather than actaully making a real effort to make things work.

I am a person that works very hard for what I have, and to keep it, and I do the same in relationships. I will not give up easily or without a fight. That said, if I make a commitment to marry someone, I dont need to live with them beforehand, it cheapens the whole point of the relationship.

Hope that makes sense!
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #47  September 28,2009, 5:00pm
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i8barbie wrote :
Divorce has become something we look at as an easy option, an easy way out. If you live together before marriage, you start to have this mindset that you can leave at any time if you are not happy with something the other person is doing, or you are not totally head over heels for them anymore.

We live in a society where we give up too easily and walk out when it's most convenient for us, rather than actaully making a real effort to make things work.

I am a person that works very hard for what I have, and to keep it, and I do the same in relationships. I will not give up easily or without a fight. That said, if I make a commitment to marry someone, I dont need to live with them beforehand, it cheapens the whole point of the relationship.

Hope that makes sense!
I respect that opinion but I don't quite see it the same way.

For the very large majority of people, divorce is not an easy option at all. One or both partners usually gets to a point of pretty great unhappiness before that step is taken.

I see it as such a necessary thing sometimes & not at all such a negative thing. Freedom from severe unhappiness is huge IMO.

I also don't see how we can get into the mindset of anyone that enters into that living situation.

I respect your decision not to move in with someone but don't agree with your reasons behind it. You really don't need any reason at all to not go that route though.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #48  September 29,2009, 4:38pm
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As an ideology, two people shouldn't have to cohabitate before getting married. The ideology states that two people, now married and committed to each other, will fight through the initial rough patches involved with cohabitation because they have taken an oath before God to do so.

In reality, of course, people will divorce for just about any reason these days. I can't see how bad living habits would be any different. I don't know if cohabitating before marriage gives a marriage a better chance for success, but I can see why people would think it's a good idea. I have two guy friends (one married, one engaged for a year, getting married next summer) who lived/live with their fiancees prior. So far so good for both.
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #49  September 29,2009, 4:56pm
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I would want to live together as a committed couple for a minimum of a year or two before taking the next step.
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #50  September 29,2009, 5:00pm
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bigfincat wrote :
I respect that opinion but I don't quite see it the same way.

For the very large majority of people, divorce is not an easy option at all. One or both partners usually gets to a point of pretty great unhappiness before that step is taken.

I see it as such a necessary thing sometimes & not at all such a negative thing. Freedom from severe unhappiness is huge IMO.

I also don't see how we can get into the mindset of anyone that enters into that living situation.

I respect your decision not to move in with someone but don't agree with your reasons behind it. You really don't need any reason at all to not go that route though.
Well said.
Thank you.
 
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