Living together before marriage? Good idea or not?


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neardc is offline neardc Post #31  September 27,2009, 3:18pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Are you suggesting that only a small portion of cohabiting individuals are doing so to provide the answer to “should we get married?” I would have thought that to be most of them.

For sure, some established beforehand they will not marry, but it seems unlikely that would be all but a “small subset.”
I think that it is often seen as a next step in the relationship, or a practical way to deal with life or financial issues, or simply something that "happens." Marriage (or the potential thereof) is not necessarily part of those discussions. That is different from deciding together that you would like to marry, but want to test first if you can get along together in the same household...

(And, I'm begging you to please stop posting with all of those dang smilies!!! It makes it very difficult to understand the tone of your posts and not feel that you are insulting or taunting us....)
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #32  September 27,2009, 3:19pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
I'm not a fan of living together. Commitment is something you decide to do, not grow into. Dating is the deciding stage, not living together. Compatibility will always be imperfect, but the commitment that two people make to one another (with or without marriage...but in my case it would need to be with) is what allows the compromises that allow the incompatibilities to be worked out.

At this stage in my life, there is simply too much at risk to be making trial runs. That's just my opinion. YMMV.
I'm with you. I have also read some studies that said that people who live together before marriage are likely to get divorced. Also at my age I don't have the time, patience, or inclination to make "trial runs" either. There is never really any guarantee that a marriage will last forever. I would rather not live with what could turn out to be several people over time - just to "try to see if we can live together" if we get married. It makes absolutely no sense to me.

I think that if people want to live together without marriage they should just say that and not pretend like they want to see if they would get along together if they got married.
Last edited by TiffanyDiamond; September 27,2009 at 3:42pm.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #33  September 27,2009, 3:26pm
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I can only think of 5 couples I know who have lived together. Two of them just had their 25th (or more) wedding anniversaries. I'd call them successful. One has been married about a year, so I guess I'll have to wait and see how they turn out though they seem very stable and happy together. One got divorced after 10 years of marriage. I don't think their living together prior to marriage had anything to do with their eventual break up. The happiest couple I know is unmarried/living together. They currently have no intention to get married. They own a house together and like things the way they are. They've told me the one thing that might pursuade them to get married would be to get health insurance for him as he's not currently covered. But he's quite healthy so they're not planning any changes.

For me, I've been married once and we did not live together beforehand. If a future partner really wanted to get married, I would do so with a prenuptial agreement. If a future partner really wanted to just live together, I would probably do that, too, but would want a written agreement up front about sharing expenses and such. Whichever way it went, I would not cohabitate (marriage or not) without feeling a commitment in my heart first and being certain he felt the same level of commitment.

After the heart is committed, the question of getting married or not seems more of a financial one at this stage in my life. If I were younger and interested in having kids, I would insist on marriage rather than just living together.
 
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grlnxtdr is offline grlnxtdr Post #34  September 27,2009, 3:30pm
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Jacquiem wrote :
I can't say whether living together before marriage it's a good idea for anyone else but me. And for me, it's not.

I think if I am in a committed, long-term, marriage-headed relationship, we've spent a LOT of time together. We've seen each other when we were sick. In a bad mood. Angry. A little depressed about something. He will have seen me on my bad hair days and I will have seen how often he REALLY does his laundry. In the course of spending time with each other at each other's homes, over the course of being in the relationship, all this compatibility stuff will be found out - I come to your house and see how you live, and you do the same at mine. I get to know your friends, family, and you get to know mine. Over time, it becomes tiring to keep those "best foot forward" masks on and you eventually see the actual real person you're dealing with.

I don't feel I have to live with someone before I marry them to find that out. I just have to spend enough time with them in an honest and open relationship. I think that's one of the biggest problems with marriages today and why people divorce so much; they don't take their time finding out who the person they're marrying really is. I don't think you have to live with someone to do that.
I agree. If you have been in the relationship with eyes wide open , then it should not be a surprise when you marry them. Assuming you have been dating for 1 or more years prior to living together, if you begin to live with that person and discover that "Oh my God, they leave wet towels on the floor," are you really going to throw a year or more relationship away for that? Everyone has thier can't stand and must haves...I know I could not live with someone that was very messy, but if i had ever visited their home while dating I could get a feel for how they live. Sure they might clean up before I get there, but over time they would become more lax. I really can't think of one issue that you could not observe while dating that person long enough.

I guess if you live with them, then you can no longer paint a rosey picture on the behavior and lie to yourself that it doesn't matter because you will be home soon.

I have a good friend that lived with a fiancee before they got married, within less than a year he broke up with her. He told me that he could not stand how messy she was. I asked him if he knew this about her prior to moving in, he responded "yes, but she did not live in my home so it did not matter." He was able to ignore the beahavior until it directly effected him. I don't think he really needed to live withher to discover that, he just needed to observe and take his observations seriously.

For me, I could not live with a person prior to marriage. If I am gonna make that kind of commitment to someone, I need a big "farwell to my single life party" aka a wedding, to say goodbye to all my freedom and hello to doing someone elses laundry and sharing the remote.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #35  September 27,2009, 3:41pm
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neardc wrote :
(And, I'm begging you to please stop posting with all of those dang smilies!!! It makes it very difficult to understand the tone of your posts and not feel that you are insulting or taunting us....)

I don't do it! Somehow they seem to come in when someone else replies.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #36  September 27,2009, 3:53pm
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neardc wrote :
What reason do you have to believe that marriage was the alternative to living together (that if the cohabiting couples hadn't lived together they would have married)? That's not really a valid assumption... Or, are you just talking about the small subset of couples who were cohabiting as a deliberate, time-limited "trial marriage" period to determine if they were going to go ahead and wed at the end of that period?

In any event, I think you may be misunderstanding the implications and conclusions from the studies a bit.
I think that his point is still valid in that too many variables exist that prevent any study on the subject from being very meaningful.

There certainly are some that when faced with advancing the relationship to the next level would say yes to marriage if cohabitation were not a level to step up to. For most, there would be a decision on that to either call it quits or step it up.
 
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Mangosteen is offline Mangosteen Post #37  September 27,2009, 8:54pm
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Hm. I guess I disagree with the majority of the responders here. I would like to live with the person I plan to marry beforehand, probably for a year, and I think it would be a good idea for me. It's not to say that I would take it as less of a commitment, but I would like to be able to know that there are no especially annoying habits that I'd have to deal with later (and vice-versa - I tend to be messier than people assume). It's not just about that... as someone else pointed out, I've had great friends who turned out to be not-so-great roommates, and that would also be good to find out.

My parents are strongly conservative on this topic, but I've tried to make it clear the reasons I think this is best for me. Of my friends who've been married and some now divorced, the living together prior to marriage hasn't been a strong indicator one way or another (my mom also loves to point out that oftenly quoted statistic that others have mentioned here).
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #38  September 27,2009, 8:59pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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neardc wrote :
I think that it is often seen as a next step in the relationship,

or a practical way to deal with life or financial issues, or simply something that "happens."

Marriage (or the potential thereof) is not necessarily part of those discussions. That is different from deciding together that you would like to marry, but want to test first if you can get along together in the same household...


(And, I'm begging you to please stop posting with all of those dang smilies!!! It makes it very difficult to understand the tone of your posts and not feel that you are insulting or taunting us....)
I think it's catching.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #39  September 27,2009, 10:05pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I don't do it! Somehow they seem to come in when someone else replies.
Lol.... they are embedded in your posts somehow, though; it must have to do with whatever program you are using to compose your posts (or maybe something to do with your using Ariel font?). Try clicking on the "switch to editor mode" button in the upper right corner after you paste in your responses and you'll probably see some coding symbols (I can see them when I quote you)...

If you cut-and-paste your posts into Notepad first, and then paste them here, that should strip out the coding, too...

Since it only happens with your posts, it's gotta be "you" not "us"!

(And, JayJay: )
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #40  September 27,2009, 10:07pm
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neardc wrote :
Lol.... they are embedded in your posts somehow, though; it must have to do with whatever program you are using to compose your posts (or maybe something to do with your using Ariel font?). Try clicking on the "switch to editor mode" button in the upper right corner after you paste in your responses and you'll probably see some coding symbols (I can see them when I quote you)...

If you cut-and-paste your posts into Notepad first, and then paste them here, that should strip out the coding, too...

Since it only happens with your posts, it's gotta be "you" not "us"!

(And, JayJay: )
Just weird .. I can never see the smilies in D's posts, but I can when others quote him. Perhaps we have a coding gremlin running amok!
 
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